Series 1 Episode 40: The Tyrant of France

Serial: The Reign of Terror
Episode: 4 (The Tyrant of France)
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companions: Barbara, Ian, and Susan

Writer: Dennis Spooner
Director: Henric Hirsch
Producer: Verity Lambert
Original Air Date: 29/08/1964

THEY SEEK HIM HERE, THEY SEEK HIM THERE

In which the Space Baes are reunited, Ian has the rules of Classic Who sussed, Susan has narrative lurgy, the Doctor meets Robespierre, Team Tardis has the counterrevolution out looking for the Doctor, everyone is sort of looking for James Stirling, and there are no fewer than three betrayals in the space of one episode. More importantly, however, though they seek it here/there/everywhere, they still haven't found this damned elusive episode, so welcome to the first officially-animated missing episode of the series!

Let’s get animated!

So to recap, the Doctor is in trouble because the guy who sold him is swanky clothes is attempting to inform on him as a traitor. Yikes.

Elsewhere, in Robespierre’s…office? Let’s call it his office. Anyway, Lemaitre and the Doctor arrive…there…and Lemaitre hands over the execution lists. The Doctor then has to give a first-hand account of the current state of affairs in the region of which he is an officer, and is only too happy to give his two pennies’ worth, not only on his region, but also concerning Paris. Robespierre isn’t keen on the opinions of someone who has only been in Paris for a day, and proceeds to harangue the Doctor about his shitty execution rates; the Doctor suggests mildly that maybe they just have fewer enemies and that Paris should take his region as an example. God I wish we could see this in its original, non-animated format, as it’s always enormously entertaining to see Billy get his bullshit on.

The Doctor then goes on to question the need to ferret out the traitors and asks Robespierre what this reign of terror can possibly gain. So much for non-interference! The Doctor reckons that for every opponent you put to the guillotine, two more spring up, which is…topical. I’m also forcibly reminded of that rather excellent bit of dialogue in Genesis of the Daleks where Davros talks about rebellion being an idea in the mind that only festers if suppressed too soon.

Anyway, Lemaitre thinks the Doctor should shush, but Robespierre wants to let him speak. Well, actually, Robespierre just wants to have a crazy monologue about death and bewail the fact that he’s going to leave a pretty shitty memory behind. When the Doctor and Lemaitre leave, Robespierre mentions how they never did get to talk about his province; the Doctor gives him some low-level sass in return.

Back at the house, animated Susan looks ill, and animated Barbara looks worried. Danielle comes in with some wine; Susan asks what it is; Danielle tells her to just drink it. We see just how worried Babs must be about Susan when she actually refuses more wine (or maybe she doesn’t want to get drunk in the company of Creepy Léon). Creepy Léon, however, does want more wine; Danielle, in a masterful moment of passive-aggression, tells him it’s on the table. My appreciation for this character grows and grows, as she’s clearly not a fan of Léon. Also this entire paragraph has been about wine.

Danielle disapproves of Creepy Léon so very hard.

Susan snoozes, and Babs worries about her having caught an advanced case of death in prison. We also gain a disturbing insight into the behaviour of fevered Gallifreyans:

‘When I went upstairs, she’d kicked off all her clothes and was shivering with cold. I was so worried, I thought I’d better bring her down here.’ 

I’d be worried, too, Babs. Also did we need this amount of detail? Why does Susan get naked when she’s ill? Anyway, Babs is being a total helicopter parent and wants Léon to get her to a physician they can trust, even though nearly all of them are informers. Which is probably a handy plot device to get them all into peril again.

Anyway, Creepy Léon fucks off to arrange things with the trustworthy physician which definitely won’t be a trap of any kind. Animated Barbara’s face is mostly unreadable, so again the jury is out as to whether she likes Léon or whether she also finds him creepy. At any rate, Susan’s awake, and also has questions for Barbara, suggesting that she likes him; Barbara laughs, and simply carts her up the stairs to bed.

On a side-note, you notice just how often there are periods without dialogue in these serials when the gaps are having to be filled by animated beats. It also makes me sad because I realise just how much face acting these guys do on a regular basis.

As soon as Babs and Susan are gone, Jules and Jean come back in…through the window AND CARRYING A LIFELESS MALE BODY BETWEEN THEM. Who on earth could it be? Well, whoever it is, they had to knock him out and OH LOOK IT’S IAN. Well, obviously. Though actually the animated face doesn’t look an awful lot like Ian in this shot. But it’s definitely Ian.

He came in through the bathroom drawing-room window...

...protected by a silver spoon.

Back at the prison, the Doctor is moaning about how he didn’t get to say half of what he wanted to say to Robespierre and that the latter twisted his words; Lemaitre tells him that ‘politicians usually do’. Satire. Also did The Aztecs never happen or is this just evidence for the Doctor always having been something of a hypocrite as far as non-interference goes? Anyway, the Doctor wants to get out of dodge, but Lemaitre insists that he stay and talk to Robespierre in the morning, getting the jailer to arrange suitable accommodation for the Doctor. Foiled again.

Lemaitre goes off to talk to the informing shopkeeper. Meanwhile, the Doctor tries to blag his way out of jail, saying he won’t be able to stay which is a pity as he asked Lemaitre to put him up. Weasel. But OH CRUMBS as the Doctor turns to leave, the jailer turns a gun on him! If Lemaitre says he stays, he stays. Well then.

Lemaitre now has the story about the exchange of robes and papers, and is keeping the ring and original togs as evidence…which is handy. Lemaitre compensates the shopkeeper and buys his silence. Clearly Lemaitre has something up his sleeve.

Back at the house, Ian is coming round. Enter Babs, who engages in a little small-talk about Susan’s Gallifreyan Flu (Gal Flu?), only to stop dead mid-sentence BECAUSE SHE’S SPOTTED THE BAE!

Space Baes: Reunited

AND DEAR LORD THEY’RE DOING THE OLD ‘IAN! BARBARA! IAN!’ ROUTINE AND WHY DID THEY HAVE TO LOSE THIS EPISODE AND DENY ME THE REALITY OF A HUG SO GRATUITOUS THAT THE ANIMATORS ACTUALLY PUT IN SOME SHOTS OF JULES AND JEAN LOOKING AWKWARD?

Ahem. Then this happens:

Oh my lord. I can’t decide whether this is gorgeous, gorgeous bathos or whether Ian is just emotionally stunted, but reacting to the sight of the Bae apparently back from the dead by exclaiming ‘THIS IS GREAT!’ is fucking priceless. Also, welcome back from your holidays, William Russell.

Also also, in this week's weekly attempt to shoehorn the Scarlet Pimpernel musical into the blog, I choose to imagine that this is what Ian actually meant to say when he said 'this is great'. If I had the time and skills, I would amuse myself endlessly making animated!Ian sing this by making his jaw go up and down (and occasionally scrunching his eyes dramatically):

Anyway, clearly by the time Babs is informing Ian that they don’t know whether the Doctor even made it to Paris, the Space Baes have forgotten there’s anyone else in the room, because Jules takes this opportunity to remind them that there are other people here.

Babs dutifully introduces Jules as the man who saved their lives (what about Jean?); Ian asks him whether he happens to be Jules Renan, which of course he is. Coincidence looms large in the Early Classic Whoniverse. At any rate, once it’s been established that Ian was indeed looking for him, Jules decides this calls for wine, and sends Jean down to the cellar for some. I like Jules. Exit Babs to check on Susan, telling Ian to talk to Jules; Ian reckons that sounded like an order. Well of course. Because Babs has a track record of being subtle as a brick in these matters...

See Marco Polo

Anyway, it’s established that Ian was looking for Jules for entirely un-Barbara/Susan-related reasons. He sounds really fucking grim actually, or maybe I’m just looking at his grumpy animated face too much. But honestly I think he’s pretty harrowed by the whole dead cellmate thing. At any rate, Jules hasn’t heard of James Stirling (the man Webster, the dead cellmate, mentioned and to whom he begged Ian to send a message) either. How infuriating. But Jules suggests Ian tells him the whole story…over a glass of wine. Seriously, Jules is the best.

There’s some recapping of the spy subplot, the most important bit of which is that Stirling must be going by an unknown alias in order to operate. Which doesn’t help anyone. Jean doesn’t like the idea of being used by the English like this, but Jules reasons that England is at war with the people ruling France and so are they. They all drink wine, awkwardly.

Ian seems legit concerned about his mission to find Stirling, which I suppose fits with his characterisation insofar as he’s usually the one who cares about the politics etc. of the place they’re in beyond their being a means of getting back to the Tardis. However, it is still a bit odd that he’s this invested in it when now all he has to do is sit tight until Jean locates the Doctor. Maybe he’s resigned himself to the Doctor being dead, too, and is trying to find some purpose in this new life if it turns out he has to live it out here.

Once Jean has gone to seek the Doctor, Jules speculates that Léon might be James Stirling. Lol. Ian wants to meet him, and Jules agrees. Apparently this calls for another drink; the clink of the bottle seems to summon Barbara from her bedside vigil, and Ian calls merrily ‘just in time’. So. Much. Wine. Oh and Susan is getting worse. Ye GODS she gets shoddily served by the writers in the serial.

Back in prison, the Doctor is sneaking about and harrumphing. The bed was hard, and a draught blew through like the north wind, and if he gets rheumatism apologies won’t cure it. Gallifreyans are legit allergic to squalor, I’m sure of it. Lemaitre tells the Doctor it’s going to be quite an eventful day, which can’t be good.

Back at the house, clearly Ian has had enough wine to make him aggy, because when Danielle informs them that Léon says the physician won’t come to the house, there’s a disturbing animation of his crotch getting up from a chair, and he insists they MUST do something for Susan.

They arrange for Susan to go to the physician instead, and Ian wants to go with her; Jules thinks it’ll look less suspicious if Barbara goes with her instead, and Ian once again demonstrates his solid grasp of the Rules of Classic Who:

Your fears, Ian, are entirely valid. Then this happens:

Oh Ian, you’re just doing my job for me at this point.

Chez the physician, it turns out Susan was just being a massive drama queen because she had a feverish chill. However, he’s surprised at her condition and wonders how she caught it; her symptoms suggest she’s not been looking after herself. Then Susan utters a tragic truth:

‘Well, I’ve done nothing unusual.’

I can’t actually argue with that. Poor lamb.

Barbara goes on to inform the physician that Susan has an enormous appetite (and doesn’t sleep long?) and just wants the doctor to give her something. The physician wants to know what they’ve been doing with their hands like this is Gone With The Wind or something, and Susan chimes in that they’ve been doing some gardening before Babs cuts them both off. The physician prescribes a course of leeches but has to run out and get some so yeah they should stay there and out he runs like the clappers. Susan doesn’t like him and can’t stand the thought of leeches, and Barbara has picked up on his being shifty as hell, so they decided to get out of there…ONLY TO DISCOVER THAT THEY ARE LOCKED IN! Crumbs!

And sure enough, back at the prison, the physician is telling the jailer all about the escaped prisoners, and soldiers have been send after them. Double crumbs!

I can’t tell from the animation, but apparently Babs has been trying to tear down entire structures with her bare hands again, because she says the door is stronger than it looks. There are approaching footsteps; the physician appears in the doorway, pointing the finger; the soldiers enter the room. Bugger.

SHINY

Back at the house, Ian continues to nail all the Rules of Classic Who and is panicking about Babs and Susan not being back yet. Jules says it’s not unusual to be kept waiting by a physician, but Ian’s having none of it:

Spot on, mate.

Jules tells Ian he’s got his meeting with Léon now, but Ian us grumpy as hell and says he can wait; Jules offers to go fetch Babs and Susan if it’ll make Ian happier. Ian agrees to keep his spy date on condition that Jules leaves immediately. Bless his cotton socks, he’s properly shaken up this week. Worryingly, Léon is waiting in a disused church. Definitely not a trap, then.

Back at the jail, Babs and Susan are once again being gloated at by the boorish, pervy jailer. Pausing only to register WITH SOME IRE that Susan was basically given a fever so that the two women could end up back in peril, it seems Susan is to be dragged off to the cells while Barbara is to be interrogated. This is all on Lemaitre’s orders.

But OH JOY OF JOYS it seems Babs is to be questioned by none other than the Doctor! And YET AGAIN I AM DENIED WHAT SOUNDS LIKE A HEARTWARMING REUNION feat. a ‘my dear Barbara’ even if it turns out Lemaitre is listening at the door. The relief in their voices is gorgeous, anyway.

Over in the disused church, Ian is definitely not walking into a trap or anything…until the point where he definitely is. Léon looms out of the darkness…followed by some soldiers.

For fuck’s sake.

IS IAN GOING TO BE MURDERED BY CREEPY LÉON? WILL BARBARA AND THE DOCTOR FIGURE OUT A WAY TO GET SUSAN OUT OF THE CELLS AND BACK INTO THE NARRATIVE AS A FULLY-FUNCTIONING CHARACTER, OR WILL SHE STAY THERE UNTIL THE END OF THE SERIAL? DOES THE FACT THAT THIS HAS NOW BEEN ANIMATED MEAN THAT THE BEEB IS RESIGNED TO NEVER FINDING THESE MISSING EPISODES OR CAN A GIRL STILL DARE TO DREAM?

Summary (as applicable to this episode)

Does it pass the Bechdel test? Yup.

Is the gaze problematic? Nope.

Is/are the woman companion(s) dressed 'for the Dads'? No. Though Susan and Barbara finally get to show a bit of clavicle. Scandalous.

Does a woman fall over/twist her ankle (whilst running from peril)? Nope.

Does a woman wander off alone for the sole dramatic purpose of getting into trouble so she can be rescued later? Nope. But the two women go to the physician alone so they can be betrayed by said physician, separated from Ian, and bundled off to jail/into peril so they can be rescued later.

Is/are the woman companion(s) captured? Yup.

Does the Doctor/a man companion/any other man have to rescue the woman companion(s) from peril? Ian is dying to get his rescue on but has to go and walk into a trap instead.

Is a woman placed under threat of actual bodily harm? Ish? I'm assuming they're going to guillotine Susan and Babs. Also leeches.

Does a woman have to deal with a sexual predator? The creepy jailer is back so yes.

Is/are the woman companion's/s' first/only reaction(s) to peril gratuitous screaming? No.

Does a woman companion go into hysterics over something reasonably minor? No. Well, Susan is a little too horrified about the leeches, but then again I'm not overly keen on the idea either.

Is a woman 'spared' the ordeal of having to do/witness something unpleasant by a man who makes a decision on her behalf/keeps her deliberately ignorant? No. Though Babs does rather order the men to have manly discussions in her absence, which is weird.

Does a man automatically disbelieve or belittle something a woman (companion) says happened to her? No.

Does a man talk over a woman or talk about a woman as though she isn't there? No, though Jules does treat his sister like a maid. 

Does the woman companion have to be calmed/comforted by the Doctor/a man companion/a man? No, but there are plenty of hugs going round.

Is a woman the first/only person to be (most gratuitously) menaced by the episode's antagonist(s)? Nope. Susan and Babs get captured again, but Babs is reunited with the Doctor, and Ian is left staring down the barrel of a gun.

Is a man shamed into doing/not doing something because the alternative is a woman doing/not doing something? No.

Does the woman companion come up with a plan? No. Well, Babs is keen to get Susan to a physician in case she's dying of her allergy to squalor, but it's not exactly a plan.

Does the woman companion do something stupid/banal/weird which inspires a man to be a Man with a Plan? No.

Does a woman come up with a theory and is it ridiculed by the Doctor/a man? No and no.

Does a woman call the Doctor out on his bullshit? N/A.

Does a woman get to be a badass? Not so much.

Is the young, strong, straight, white male lead the person most often in control of the situation? Not really. The aristos seem to have most control over stuff, and haven't let Ian off the leash yet.

Is there past/future/alien sexism? A bit with Danielle and also Léon's icky chivalry.

Does a 'present'-day character call anybody out on past/future/alien sexism? No.

Does an past/future/alien person have the hots for a woman companion and is it reciprocated? Yes and...question mark?

Did a woman write/direct/produce this episode? No/No/Yes.

Verdict

Susan is still being treated appallingly in this serial and now has Gal(lifreyan) Flu (triggered by her allergy to squalor...which is my new Whovian headcanon) specifically so she and Babs can go and see a treacherous physician who dobs them in to the authorities. And now it looks like she's going to be behind bars and out of the action for a bit. Maybe it's Carole Ann Ford's turn for a holiday? Babs is a bit of a mother hen with Susan but is also low-key on top of stuff and once again unflappable. I enjoy the re-emergence of the whole 'Ian go to talk to these people now because I said so...BARBARA OUT' routine, because it amuses me, and I'm glad the Space Baes have been reunited. Though why oh why did we have to lose an episode in which there are many adorable reunions all round? Why couldn't they have lost one of the slower episodes of The Sensorites instead?I love that Ian has grasped the Rules of Classic Who so thoroughly, and am endlessly intrigued by his continued investment in revolutionary politics despite everyone having apparently learned their lesson about interfering with history in The Aztecs. He also needs a nice sit down and a glass of wine after all that dead cellmate business. Fortunately, there is all the wine in this episode. The Doctor gets to be a sassbasket, which I adore, though again, why oh why do we not get to see all this Billy gold? Woe alas. Hopefully next week Babs will get to be a lot more proactive without Susan raining on her parade since she's been paired up with the Doctor. Maybe they'll even get to rescue Ian? And please for the love of all that's holy let's give Susan something to do.

Series 1 Episode 39: A Change of Identity

Serial: The Reign of Terror
Episode: 3 (A Change of Identity)
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companions: Barbara, Ian, and Susan

Writer: Dennis Spooner
Director: Henric Hirsch
Producer: Verity Lambert
Original Air Date: 22/08/1964

STRIKE A POSE AND BEAR THE WEIGHT OF WELL-TAILORED CLOTHES (and other stories)

In which the Doctor is 'why the Lord created men', Susan has a headache, Barbara drinks wine, and William Russell is still on holiday.

Eee by gum it’s been an age.

Right, so what’s happening? Erm, oh yes, Babs and Susan have been whisked off to the guillotine. Ian is unhappy about this, but doesn’t seem to be able to do much more than stare through the bars of his cell like a gorm. Because William Russell is still on holiday. Still, maybe this means we get to see our favourite desmoiselles deliver themselves from their own distress? Here’s hoping.

Infuriatingly, at this point, we cut to the streets of Paris, where assorted crones are hacking away and the Doctor is not appreciating the stink of the streets.

Elsewhere, in an alcove, two gents in Poldark hats (oh no wait one of them has a hat the name of which escapes me but which looks like a sandcastle had sex with a bowler hat) are trying to cultivate patience. It seems they’re here to rescue whoever’s for the chop from the chop. How convenient! Though apparently the executioners are shit at their job because they never change their route from the prison to the guillotine, so maybe they just don’t give a shit that these Scarlet Pimpernel wannabes keep snatching their victims.

Back in jail, Ian is, surprisingly, not tearing the place down or indeed giving any indication that he is even in the building when the jailer comes to give him his food. Because William Russell is still on holiday. Handily, the jailer leaves the keys in the door when Lemaitre, the bossman who was having all the bants with Ian last week, starts yelling for him. I’m glad that post-Sensorites Ian seems to be a bit more chilled about the smallest possibility that the Bae may be in danger, but I’m baffled that, at a point where his chums are actually going to be beheaded, he’s not even trying to jump the jailer. Maybe it’s because he’s also come round to the idea that everything is always already fated so is resigned to quietly cracking up. Maybe it’s because William Russell is still on holiday.

One of these must be the key to unlocking Ian's character
development in this episode.

Anyway, the jailer’s boss is a dick and throws all the food against the wall and is checking the execution figures.

Meanwhile, Ian, WHO IS JUST CASUALLY BENDING DOWN TO GET HIS FOOD OFF THE FLOOR AND NOT IN ANY WAY ATTEMPTING TO ESCAPE happens to spot that the keys are still in the door. He steals them, removes the key he needs, then puts a similar-looking key back in the door. INSTEAD OF JUST UNLOCKING THE DOOR AND RUNNING FOR IT. AND THEN HE JUST SITS DOWN TO EAT HIS BOWL OF SLOP. Ian, sweetheart, it’s a smart plan if you’re attempting a foolproof but leisurely escape, but TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE RIGHT NOW.  Also I may be cheating by referencing a future episode, but I’m absolutely using this as Exhibit A in my case for this being the moment when Ian gives Barbara up for dead and decides to live out the remainder of his life working as a spy to overthrow the regime that killed her; the reason we’re not getting any manpain from him is because he planned to store it up and use it at a later date to motivate him in his new career as eighteenth-century Bond. Or maybe it’s because William Russell is still on holiday.

The long arm of the lawless.

Anyway, when the jailer returns, he pretends to see William Russell happily eating slop in his cell, breathes a sigh of relief, and retrieves his keys.

Back in the streets, Barbara, a half-dead-looking Susan, and another random aristo are being carted off to the guillotine. In a cart. It looks rickety as fuck, and our poor actors aren’t having to do much acting as far as ‘looking like you’re being dragged through an enclosed space by a horse that doesn’t have much room to manoeuvre’ is concerned. Also, there’s a real horse. Production values for the win.

Anyway, Babs makes one last, desperate attempt to galvanise Susan: she reckons the horse has thrown a shoe and that the moment the soldiers start to unhitch it, they should make a run for it; Susan, however, doesn’t feel very well, and doesn’t think she can. Barbara is a better human being than I am and does not at this point employ the Chesterton Method of giving her a good shake, but simply gets her schoolteacher on and says she’ll help her but that Susan ‘MUST make an effort’; Susan says she’ll do her best. At this point, two random women start laughing at them; Barbara glares at them.

Baby's first hangover.

I continue to be furious at the way in which Susan is treated in this serial. The writers just don’t know what to do with her, and while it’s good that we get to see all of the series regulars at their lowest ebb and vulnerable and on a bad day and whatnot, this really does feel like she’s being made deliberately useless to scupper Barbara’s initiatives and make it necessary that they be rescued by a third party.

Speaking of which, the two rescuers are now waiting in the wings to do some rescuing and are feeling lucky about the horse. Back on the cart, however, things are not going so well: Barbara gives Susan the signal, but Susan is all NO I CAAAAAAAAAN’T and tells Barbara to go on without her. Barbara is again a far better human than I am and simply tells her to pull herself together rather than giving her a good slap and dragging her bodily through the streets, but Susan insists that her head is splitting and her back’s aching. AND BARBARA YET AGAIN CAPITULATES AND JUST STAYS WITH HER LIKE THE SOUL OF COMPASSION THAT SHE IS AND HUGS HER AND ON THE ONE HAND I AM FULL OF ADMIRATION THAT SHE WOULD RATHER DIE THAN LEAVE HER FRIENDS BEHIND BUT ON THE OTHER HAND SUSAN GET IT THE FUCK TOGETHER. Even assuming that Susan has a migraine, which is absolutely fucking awful and genuinely incapacitating, ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE GUILLOTINED IS NOT A VIABLE CURE FOR A HEADACHE.

Seriously, these writers are pissing me off.

But oh. Hurray. Here come the men with guns to save the day. How they didn’t accidentally shoot any of the prisoners is anyone’s guess. Or maybe they did, because I can’t see the other random aristo anywhere. Maybe he ran for it. Anyway, they rescue the women, and OH SO NOW YOU’RE OK TO MAKE A RUN FOR IT, SUSAN. Though admittedly Barbara is pretty much carrying her along. At any rate, the writers in their wisdom decided that the only way the women could make it to safety would be with the aid of some random aristo vigilantes. And gave Susan a convenient headache to engineer a damsel-in-distress scenario. Fuck. The. Patriarchy.

But before I abuse capslock any further, let us return to a more genteel quarter of the city, where the Doctor has gone shopping. And is immediately drawn to the fanciest clothes in the place. Because, as I decided some weeks ago, this is essentially the Doctor's secondary theme tune:

Anyway, the shopkeeper is a nosey bastard and definitely some sort of informer, but the Doctor goes on and asks him all about where the prisoners are usually kept anyway. And asks to be kitted out in what turns out is a Regional Officer of the Provinces outfit…because he just happens to be a Regional Officer of the Provinces. His bullshit is beautiful when he’s doing it to people in whom I’m not emotionally invested.

Alas he has no dosh and wants to swap his own clothes for it; the shopkeeper dismisses it as fancy dress; they spar for a bit, but the shopkeeper agrees if the swap includes the Doctor’s fancy ring. Is it my imagination, or is that ring not special in later episodes? I’m thinking Zarbi? Anyway, a deal is struck.

But back to Babs and Susan, who is feeling better already and is sitting in a chair in the dining room (drawing room?) of a swanky house. Maybe Gallifreyans are just allergic to squalor. Which is why they’re so fancy. Headcanon, anyone?

A random maid who knows her lowly place even in the middle of a popular revolution supposes they’d like a bath and some food, and enlists one of the aristos (Jean) to help. He looks so delighted to be asked that I’m assuming this is some sort of eighteenth-century code for backstairs hanky-panky.

Babs can’t begin to thank the remaining aristo enough, but he insists she doesn’t mention it and apparently has a Christian names only rule; his name is Jules. The other two return with plates and a towel after what must have been a very brief assignation, and it seems I misread the mobcap on the woman because she’s not a servant but Jules’s sister, Danielle; I’m pretty sure we never see her again. (Though I’m now convinced that their names are not Jules and Jean but Jules et Jim.)

Jean and Danielle: 100% shagging

Jules tells them he’s making plans to smuggle them out in the morning, but Susan protests because obv she thinks her grandfather is still somewhere out in the countryside suffering from smoke inhalation; Barbara takes this opportunity to point out that Ian is still in the clink.

Which brings us nicely back to jail, where surely Ian must’ve figured out that the Bae and his Space Daughter are mostly likely dead by now. He manages to unlock his cell and does lots of unnecessary and actually probably not that stealthy zipping about the prison corridors. Stepping over the jailer, who has handily passed out from the drink, he escapes…BUT OH WHAT’S THIS? Lemaitre (which I’ve just realised means The Master…thanks, A Level French), the bossman who was all up in Ian’s grill last week, WATCHES HIM GO. Apparently he’s being let off the leash so that the Master (ok ok I know it’s purely coincidental, I just like pretending I’m in the middle of an elaborate Moffat arc at all times) can see whether Webster (the dead guy in Ian’s cell) really did give him a message for James Stirling. Whilst I do appreciate the continued absence of manpain from the recently sort-of bereaved Mr. Chesterton, it is odd that he’s just going through the motions, without dialogue or any discernible motivation. Maybe it’s because, for all their flapping over one another when they’re not actually in that much danger, Babs and Ian’s default reaction to news of one another’s certain demise is basically ‘nope, you’re wrong there’. Or maybe it’s because William Russell is still on holiday.

So sneak etc.

Back at the house, Susan is feeling much better after a hot meal and is clearly recovering from her extreme allergic reaction to being in an unlovely place. Babs wants to help clear up, but they wrote in that woman Danielle especially so she could do that thing, and anyway, she and Jean must use this time to resume their backstairs dalliance under Jules’s nose (oh let me have my fun). Anyway, Susan and Babs work out where they were on the map from Susan’s calculations about the relative position of the sun. Jules looks grim when they point out the house they were in, and immediately calls Jean away from doing the dishes with Danielle. Susan starts talking about her grandfather again but Babs cuts her off so they can show Jean the house; I’m beginning to think that Babs suspects the Doctor is dead at this point, as she doesn’t seem to want to let Susan dwell on the subject.

Anyway, it turns out Jules and Jim Jean know about those two guys who were shot by the soldiers in the first episode, and that this isn’t the first time one of their escape routes has been rumbled. Apparently their third musketeer, Léon, is in charge of that route, and oh someone is definitely informing on them; I wonder if these two things are related.

The women try to work out where exactly it was that
Susan lost her character development.

At any rate, Jules promises to send someone to look for the Doctor at the house that burned down, and to work on getting Ian out of prison, and generally won’t rest until the four of them are reunited. Good man.

At this point, Susan gets another headache and is sent to bed. Barbara follows…to tuck her in? I dunno. But there’s a knock at the door, and oh it’s the mysterious Léon! And OH Léon tells them about a mysterious stranger who’s been asking for Jules at the Inn near the prison. So Ian made it to the pub, then.

Enter Barbara, and EWWWWW Léon immediately starts creeping on her in an ‘I will kiss your hand intensely’ sort of way whilst murmuring emphatically ‘the pleasure is all mine’. She’s going to need another bath to scrub off the slime from this slimer. He promises to ‘take good care of her’, and Jean looks mildly horrified (about how rapey this all sounds); Jules drags Jean away to leave Barbara to be leched-on. Then this happens:

Oh Barbara, you really need that drink. And are probably going to need a fair few glasses for your own sanity if you’re going to have to endure being stared at in such a predatory manner all evening. I can’t tell whether she’s into it or whether she’s finding it all a bit awkward, as a) I’m definitely projecting my ‘WTF’ feelings onto her and b) she slapped the jailer when he came onto her so I’m assuming she’d let Léon know if she were unhappy with the situation, possibly with violence; however, c) while no means no, not saying no doesn’t mean the same thing as consent, so I’ll leave you to your own conclusions as to whether Babs is staring at him because she’s into him or whether she’s staring at him because she’s a coiled spring and is as grossed-out as I am. (I should also stress that I don’t begrudge her the odd dalliance here and there, because who wouldn’t find the prospect of a bit of historical slap and tickle with a few smouldering looks thrown in an appealing end to a shitty day, but frankly this out-of-the-blue ‘lust at first sight’ thing between these two makes me feel genuinely uncomfortable. I was into Barbara’s all-too-fleeting fling with Ganatus in The Daleks because they actually spent time together and got on like a house on fire whilst they flirted outrageously to pass the time whilst spelunking, plus Ganatus is jokes, but this is just shoehorned in so his inevitable betrayal will have more dramatic impact.) And my skin is kind of crawling. Maybe it’s because this Léon character has never even met Barbara before and literally the first thing he does is put the moves on her and it’s yucky. Or maybe it’s because…

Anyway, back in jail, the jailer is drinking booze from a jug the way I would be drinking that wine from a glass if I were Barbara back in that room. A familiar voice rings out: it’s the Doctor! And sweet God above he looks FAB. U. LOUS.

Kitted out in All The Tat, he proceeds to shout at the jailer, present him with false credentials, and generally yell about how important he is; he is thoroughly enjoying himself. The jailer defers to him, and the Doctor goes on to mention how three traitors—a man, a woman, and a young child—were brought to the jail having fled from his province. The jailer tells the Doctor that the women were dispatched to the guillotine, and OH MY HEART Billy I salute your acting face. That’s Gandalf-level face acting right there.

When you think your Granddaughter and Space Daughter
have been guillotined.

Fortunately for my bleeding ventricles, the Doctor doesn’t look crushed at the news that his Granddaughter and Space Daughter are dead for long, because the jailer mentions that a rescue has taken place. There’s more good acting as the Doctor is momentarily too stunned to register this new development but shortly afterwards is too-quickly too sharp and steely, and wants to know by whom they have been rescued. It’s really lovely to watch Billy in this scene, actually: while the jailer witters on, you can just see him breathing a little more heavily to calm himself down and manage the sudden flood of relief so that it doesn’t show on his face. Beautiful stuff. And subtly done. And you can see the change in the quality of the bluster, from really having a ball bossing the jailer around in his fabulous hat to shit suddenly getting serious and having to balance the urgent need for information against not blowing his cover.

Moving on to a new paragraph of my love-letter to Billy Doing Acting, it is at this point that the Doctor demands to know what’s happened to the man, and when the jailer tells him that his Space Bro has escaped and knocked him out and fought him with the strength of ten men (lies and filth), the Doctor pulls the most incredible face and doesn’t seem to have trouble believing it. So, as he muses to himself, all three of them are now somewhere in Paris.

What even is your face.

Enter Lemaitre, who looks the Doctor up and down and asks for his papers. Yadda yadda bad guy being sneaky he tells the Doctor to come with him to meet the top brass with him seeing as how his province is getting discussed in the morning and yeah now the Doctor gets to meet Robespierre.

Back at the house, Barbara’s wine glass is empty, and Léon is asking her where she comes from; Babs is evasive and says he probably won’t like the answer seeing as how she’s English so that makes them enemies. Because war. Léon says he prefers to think that means she has no interest in France or the revolution. How prophetic and post-Brexit of him to intuit isolationist disinterest in European affairs. She says that’s a strange thing to say, and he says perhaps he’ll explain one day. How cryptic. Babs goes to see if Susan’s all right, and Léon stands by the fireplace like a poser.

Back in jail, someone is trying to see someone who’s just gone to see Citizen Robespierre…it’s the shopkeeper from before! And he’s here with ‘evidence against a traitor’…THE DOCTOR’S RING!

MERDE! WILL THE DOCTOR BE RUMBLED? DOES SUSAN ACTUALLY HAVE MENINGITIS? WILL BARBARA HAVE TO SPEND ANY MORE TIME WITH CREEPY LÉON? HAS IAN TRULY GIVEN UP HOPE AND IS HE NOW INTENDING TO STAY IN THE PUB FOREVER? WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT WEEK WHEN THE ANIMATION TAKES OVER? WILL WILLIAM RUSSELL EVER COME BACK OFF HIS HOLIDAYS?

Summary (as applicable to this episode)

Does it pass the Bechdel test? Yup.

Is the gaze problematic? Nope.

Is/are the woman companion(s) dressed 'for the Dads'? No. Though Susan and Barbara finally get to show a bit of clavicle. Scandalous.

Does a woman fall over/twist her ankle (whilst running from peril)? No but Susan does have a headache that prevents her from running.

Does a woman wander off alone for the sole dramatic purpose of getting into trouble so she can be rescued later? Nope. But Susan gets a convenient illness every time they want to shoehorn in some men who can rescue the women.

Is/are the woman companion(s) captured? Rescue-captured?

Does the Doctor/a man companion/any other man have to rescue the woman companion(s) from peril? The Doctor seems to be on a one-man mission to save his Crew, but he spends most of the episode pissing about with feathers; Ian's locked up and immediately opts for a long-term escape plan and then doesn't go on a rescue mission so much as go to the pub, so Babs and Susan have to try to save themselves YET ARE PREVENTED FROM DOING SO BY BULLSHIT WRITING INVOLVING HEADACHES so have to be rescued by random aristos.

Is a woman placed under threat of actual bodily harm? Yup. Everyone is.

Does a woman have to deal with a sexual predator? Leon is a bit predatory so I'm going to say 'ish'.

Is/are the woman companion's/s' first/only reaction(s) to peril gratuitous screaming? No.

Does a woman companion go into hysterics over something reasonably minor? No.

Is a woman 'spared' the ordeal of having to do/witness something unpleasant by a man who makes a decision on her behalf/keeps her deliberately ignorant? No. Though Babs seems willing to let Susan die rather than allow for the possibility of her Space Daughter having to deal with her headache any longer.

Does a man automatically disbelieve or belittle something a woman (companion) says happened to her? No.

Does a man talk over a woman or talk about a woman as though she isn't there? No, though Jules does treat his sister like a maid. 

Does the woman companion have to be calmed/comforted by the Doctor/a man companion/a man? No, but Susan has to be cuddled and comforted by Babs a lot.

Is a woman the first/only person to be (most gratuitously) menaced by the episode's antagonist(s)? I think there's all-round jeopardy this week.

Is a man shamed into doing/not doing something because the alternative is a woman doing/not doing something? No.

Does the woman companion come up with a plan? Barbara comes up with an escape plan but Susan pours cold water on it at every opportunity.

Does the woman companion do something stupid/banal/weird which inspires a man to be a Man with a Plan? No.

Does a woman come up with a theory and is it ridiculed by the Doctor/a man? Yes and no.

Does a woman call the Doctor out on his bullshit? N/A.

Does a woman get to be a badass? Not so much.

Is the young, strong, straight, white male lead the person most often in control of the situation? Not really. The aristos seem to have most control over stuff. 

Is there past/future/alien sexism? A bit with Danielle and also Léon's icky chivalry.

Does a 'present'-day character call anybody out on past/future/alien sexism? No.

Does an past/future/alien person have the hots for a woman companion and is it reciprocated? Yes and...question mark?

Did a woman write/direct/produce this episode? No/No/Yes.

Verdict

Susan gets more shoddy treatment this week, and the fact that (as I think I may have mentioned) William Russell is still on holiday makes Ian's characterisation a little...off. On the one hand, we don't get any manpain, which is refreshing, but on the other hand his half-arsed escape attempts just don't ring true. Interesting, though, that the one time (?) we get to see what Ian would be like if he thought Babs were actually dead is when William Russell isn't really there so he just goes to the pub and resigns himself to life as counter-revolutionary spy. Barbara is proactive and no-nonsense, which I always love, though her interactions with Léon give me the creeps. Though again, she's willing to die with Susan rather than administer any kind of tough love. The Doctor is loving his new wardrobe, and we get to see some good acting from Billy, which is gorgeous. Next week we're into the animated episodes, so I fully expect to be howling about not getting to see the Space Baes reunited as Zarquon intended. Though mostly I expect to be howling about how nobody knows what to do with Susan in this serial; the change from her fantastic characterisation in The Sensorites to being a dramatic dead weight in these episodes is genuinely upsetting. Especially as her function in this week is to give the writers an excuse to have the two women rescued by an all-male third party rather than being allowed to make their own escape.

Series 1 Episode 38: Guests of Madame Guillotine

Serial: The Reign of Terror
Episode: 2 (Guests of Madame Guillotine)
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companions: Barbara, Ian, and Susan

Writer: Dennis Spooner
Director: Henric Hirsch
Producer: Verity Lambert
Original Air Date: 15/08/1964

WHERE'S THE GIRL WHO WAS BURNING FOR LIFE? (and other stories)

In which Susan gives up, Babs is propositioned for sex in a Parisian jail, Ian gets himself involved in an English spy ring, and the Doctor commits murder (probably).

And we begin with NO RESOLUTION to the whole ‘the Doctor is about to be roasted alive in a burning house’ predicament, just a recap before we’re taken to ‘PARIS’ via a handy, captioned cityscape and FOOTAGE OF A GUILLOTINE GUILLOTINING. I kind of wish I hadn’t wasted the ‘Madame Guillotine’ song from The Scarlet Pimpernel on last week’s episode now. Though I've decided this week's WTF theme tune is 'Where's the Girl', as it combines a lament for a lost 'renegade heart' (Susan) and the creepy, sexually-predatory overtones of Barbara's jailbird fate this week.

Anyway, we’re now at the ‘CONCIERGERIE PRISON’ (or so the sign tells us), where assorted crones (tricoteuses?) are chuckling with their knitting outside the gates. Inside, Babs is trying to sort shit out with the presiding official, asking whether they’ll be allowed to tell their story; they won’t. Said official is satisfied of their guilt of being in the company of traitors; the sentence is…DEATH! And oh gosh the camerawork that’s meant to fool us into believing William Russell isn’t on holiday is hilarious: only Barbara and Susan are in shot, and then they cut away to Ian looking grim against a curtain before cutting back to Babs et al. Slow hand clap.

Russ just wants to be in Shagaluf already.

Glorious Babs DEMANDS the right to speak (hurrah!) only to be told she has no rights (BOOO!) and that they’re all going to be guillotined; the official orders that they be taken to the cells, and points his scrunchily-unforgiving face towards the camera.

In the prison, there’s more hilarious pretending William Russell is there, as we are led to believe he’s already been slung into a cell thanks to Susan yelling ‘IAN!’ and flinging herself at the door behind which he is apparently refusing to stay back by the wall. Oh BBC, you missed a trick by not recording him yelling back.

Susan is bundled out of shot while the lumpy jailer (who has a comedy northern accent because he's working class and those are the Rules of the Beeb) takes Barbara to one side. And OH GOD NO, he basically tells Babs she’ll get preferential treatment in return for sexual favours, only this is a kids’ show and it’s all done through innuendo. That is…horrifying. Barbara, unfortunately, has dealt with far worse (I’m looking at YOU, Vasor, you appalling would-be rapist...Ye Gods did that actually happen?), and merely looks mildly embarrassed for him. Until the point at which he straight up propositions her and she gives him a look of white-hot rage AND SMACKS HIM IN THE FACE. DAMN RIGHT, BABS. Still, I can’t quite believe what I've just witnessed. Or that Babs is getting leched-on so regularly that it's now old hat. Or that she's that polite to this particular lech for that long. Seriously, though, we wonder why we have rape culture and a society where women are expected to deal with this kind of bollocks on a regular basis and be pleasant to arseholes like this until the last possible moment.

Anyway, in return for refusing to trade her body for a less revolting cell, Babs gets to be locked up with Susan in the shittiest cell of them all. Susan observes that the smell is godawful; Babs says it reminds her of when they were prisoners before in prehistoric times; Susan says there’s an important difference, which is that the Doctor and Ian were with them, then. EXCUSE ME, SUSAN, LET’S HAVE LESS OF THAT. Who was it who came up with the whole Flaming Skull thing in the first place, eh? You did, you morbid little weirdo. And Babs was having a bad day then, and wasn’t her usual enterprising self, so of course she was…er...mostly useless. But who took out the Daleks with mud pies? Barbara. Who came up with the thought transference plan on the Sense Sphere? Barbara. And who came up with taking out the Sensorites by thinking defiant thoughts? You did! Together, you are kickass women who very often don’t need no man; don’t be a party pooper.

And oh, she heard me, apparently, because now she reckons knowing where they are might help, so she asks Barbara to lift her up so she can see through the bars because she’s a short-arse. Which Barbara does. And it’s inexplicably endearing. Nothing doing, though, and soon Susan is (understandably) wishing she knew what had happened to her Grandfather; Barbara, who seems to be in practical optimism mode, is sure he made it out of the house.

I know Susan is tiny, but this is still impressive.

Well it looks like we’re about to find out, because here’s the Doctor a-coughing and a-spluttering and being revived by the urchin boy from last episode! Hurrah for discount Gavroche! (Yes, yes, I know it’s the wrong revolution, pipe down.) And OH CUE GUSHING the newly-revived Doctor has the following burning question for his urchin saviour: ‘Where are my friends?’

I mean the fact that he chooses this term when his granddaughter is among the missing is a bit odd, but oh for all his blather about dumping the humans in the next place the Tardis lands, it seems friendship has indeed taken hold. Gavroche (or whatever his name is) tells him his crew is about to join the headless hunt, at which point the Doctor calls him ‘a very brave boy’, can’t begin to thank him enough, and determines to rescue his friends. Gavroche is woodenly horrified but the Doctor tells him he rescued him so now the Doctor must rescue them; Gavroche wants to come with him, but has to look after his mum. Oh and his name is Jean-Pierre. He bids him farewell with a cute little salute and yeah the surprising rapport with kids is a joy to behold.

So now the Doctor (or his body double, rather) goes strolling across the fields to Paris.

Back at the prison, Babs and Susan are feigning sleep when the jailer looks in on them. Babs is raring to get their escape on, but Susan is being a real downer:

SUSAN: Oh, what's the use? We'll never get out of this dreadful place.
BARBARA: Oh, you mustn't lose heart, Susan.
SUSAN: I'm not going to fool myself.
BARBARA: Well, think of the times we've been in trouble before. We've always managed to get out of it in the end.
SUSAN: Oh, we've been lucky. We can't go on being lucky. Things catch up with you.
BARBARA: I've never heard you talk like this before. You're usually so optimistic.

Blimey. Seems like Susan’s finally reached the end of her tether. Everyone’s allowed a low point, and everyone gets to despair, and Susan does have the added worry of not knowing whether her grandfather is alive or dead, but the way this pans out dramatically annoys me because Susan is basically there to poor cold water on Barbara’s escape plans by being negative and not helping so that the serial isn’t over in five minutes. Which, as I say, bugs me.

Anyway, Babs continues to show gumption enough for two, observing that there have been times when they’ve made their own luck, and hatching a plan to crowbar her way out of the cell and into the sewers using planks of wood from the bed. You have GOT to admire this woman. Sensing that her cellmate is currently about as much use as a chocolate teapot, she steers Susan bodily into a corner like a shop dummy on wheels and tells her to look out for the guards while she continues to tear the bed apart with her bare hands.

Nobody puts baby in a corner. Except Barbara.

Meanwhile, there are groans coming from Ian’s cell; the jailer tells the moaner to shut up or he’ll give the place a bad name. Inside the cell, it transpires it’s not Ian who’s getting vocal but rather his cellmate Webster, who’s busy dying of a gunshot wound. Ian has apparently been dividing his time between tending Webster and hatching escape plans. He’s really rather sweet with his bedside manner.

At any rate, Webster’s not getting out of there alive, and he appeals to Ian as a fellow Englishman (how does he know?) to promise to go and find an English guy called John Stirling (can’t get a more Englishy surname than that) who has information that will be useful in the event of an English war with France, which is...imminent? Ongoing? I genuinely can't be arsed to look it up. Anyhoo, Ian can hardly refuse a guy who is quite literally dying in his arms, and promises; Webster tells him to find a guy called Jules Renan at the sign of Le Chien Gris, and then dies. Ian is left to cover up the corpse.

Goodnight, sweet...Thingummy...

I’m always interested to see the extent to which the humans in particular think of their travels as actually real, especially when they’re stranded in their own planet’s history. Post-Aztecs Barbara seems to have developed a kind of positive fatalism, whereby she assumes that everything has always already happened so everything will more or less work out if they manage to keep their heads above water long enough not to be murdered, and seems to have sworn off getting involved with the politics; Ian, however, is about to find himself embroiled in some sort of English Secret Service subplot purely because he wants to honour the wishes of a dying man who, from his temporal point of view, has already been dead for more than a century.

Anyway, the Doctor (or his body double) is still strolling along country roads that actually look quite French to me, so well done, location people. He comes across a group of tax-dodgers digging a road under the supervision of a bullying boss, and stops to ask directions to Paris…and to sass the bully in question:

DOCTOR: I'm sure you're very experienced at this job, my man. But, as an impartial onlooker I think I might have a bit of an advice to give you.
OVERSEER: Well, I'll listen to anything that'll get this job finished quickly.
DOCTOR: Well, if you were to expend your energy helping with the road, instead of bawling and shouting at them every few seconds, you might be able to get somewhere. Good day to you, sir!

Alas this isn’t quite the mic-drop moment he’d hoped for: the overseer asks him for papers he doesn’t have, and when it becomes apparent that the Doctor hasn’t payed his taxes either, the overseer hands him a pick and sets him to work at gunpoint. And refers to him as ‘skinny’. Oh Doctor, you do pick your battles, don’t you?

Back in the cells, Babs is also putting her back into some manual labour and needs a breather. Her hands are torn to pieces, and Susan’s are worse, but she wants to take over from Babs to take her mind off things. Attagirl, Susan. But oh, it really hurts her hands, so Babs steers her back over to the bed where they sit and rest and look bloody knackered but are also rather pleased with themselves for having made progress. My proactive darlings, I salute you.

Someone’s coming, and Babs hastily covers the hole they’ve made with a blanket; Susan thinks their time’s up, but it’s only the jailer come with food. He spots the blankets and is having none of Babs’s ‘wot me guv’ routine; he nearly rumbles them but just as he’s about to pick the blankets up (revealing the hole they’ve been digging), the jailer is called away by some bigwig called Lemaitre; Babs and Susan cuddle to express their relief.

I will never not gif Babara smiling.

Meanwhile, Ian is staring at the bars to relieve the tedium of sharing a cell with a corpse, while Lemaitre examines said deado. He asks Ian how long Webster’s been dead, and when Ian doesn’t answer he pins him up against the wall by the throat. Ian is so done by this point he merely looks at his attacker in bored condescension as he answers his questions, taking care to sass him by calling him ‘citizen’ in a pointed manner. Lemaitre asks Ian whether Webster spoke; Ian lies to his face and says he didn’t. I’m a bit concerned for Ian these days, or maybe it’s just the old Chestertonian thing of not quite being himself when he’s not welded to the side of the Bae. At any rate, he’s looking grimmer and more detached than ever…which could have something to do with the fact that he’s just watched a man die, or indeed the fact that this mostly left-leaning character is on the wrong side of the French Revolution. In fact, Ian allying himself with the aristocracy for this serial strikes an odd note.

Anyway, Lemaitre is asking the jailer whether he heard Ian and Webster talking; the jailers says they did but not for long. Lemaitre decides to take Ian off the execution list…I think? Well, he crosses somebody’s name off the list, anyway. Could be the dead guy. Either way, looks like interesting times for Ian and his new frenemy.

#sorrynotsorry

Back in Susan and Barbara’s cell, our faves are reflecting on their lucky escape; Babs is cheerily musing on the wonders of the kind of slop you’ll eat when you’re hungry; Susan makes a bleurgh-type noise, allows her slop to splodge from the spoon, and puts her food down. EAT YOUR FOOD, SUSAN. Anyway, they get back to work; Babs says it’s her turn, but Susan wants a go until…EEK! IT’S RATS!

Ah, the sixties. Because there isn’t a table to hand, Susan immediately leaps onto the bed, shrieking. I mean…fair enough, I suppose. I’d probably jump if I lifted up a blanket and there were rats under it. Babs hops to it and blocks up the hole again, and Susan has had just about enough. She says she can’t go on with their escape attempt with all those rats down there…AND BARBARA JUST AGREES TO GIVE UP!?!? WHAT. THE. FUCK. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. She literally says ‘we’ll just stay where we are’, which is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. I appreciate that they’re at the end of their tether, but why the hell is she indulging Susan to the extent that she agrees to SIT THERE AND WAIT FOR DEATH? It’s ludicrously out of character and my blood is pretty-much boiling at the thought that the writers expected people to swallow this out-of-character nonsense because ladies are scared of rats and would literally rather die than be confronted with them ever again. I repeat: when confronted with the choice between death or rats, they choose death. I WILL CLEAR THIS PLACE.

Barbara accepts death.

(Though...hang about. Having said that this is out of character for both Barbara and Susan, I am now reminded of that time on Skaro when Babs was willing to stay and wait for death with Ian who was trapped in some Dalek casing. Which is a disturbing trend.)

Back on the road, the Doctor is still digging with the tax dodgers. Noticing that the overseer is counting his money and is therefore a greedy bastard, the Doctor hatches a plan and tells his new pals to run with it. And it’s fucking silly but I fucking love it. His plan is to yell in excitement until the overseer comes running and then go OH LOOK IT’S AN ECLIPSE. I’m deaded. (Though the infotext suggests this is not as random as it seems, as apparently there was a partial eclipse over Paris on 31 January 1794. Well then.) While the overseer is looking for the non-existent eclipse, the Doctor picks his pocket; when the overseer goes back to counting his coins, the Doctor pretends to have found a coin in the dirt. The overseer starts digging for himself and doesn’t want anyone else to help because it’s his, his own, his precious; while the overseer is busy, the Doctor MURDERS HIM WITH A SPADE. THE FUCK...!? It seems the stone-wielding Doctor from An Unearthly Child is still alive and kicking.

But oh wait! Phew! It seems the freshly-felled overseer is snoring. I mean, the Doctor has put coins on his eyes like on a dead person, and the infotext tells me the snoring and the Doctor saying ‘pleasant dreams’ were unscripted ad libs (implying that the Doctor does actually kill him in the script), but he’s alive when the Doctor leaves him, which is a small mercy. Also, I now want a version of The Princess Bride in which William Hartnell is Wesley.

Just...y'know...gleefully battering a man to death.

And so the Doctor goes on his merry way along French-looking country lanes, and is now only 5km from Paris.

Back in the cells, Susan is sleeping on Babs when the jailer tells them to get out and get in line; Susan asks where Ian is; the jailer tells her he was lucky because Lemaitre crossed him off the list. So that did happen. And OH SHIT they’re being dispatched for the guillotine!

Back in Ian’s cell, Ian hears the hullaballoo outside, and looks through the bars; horrorstruck, he realises his fellow travellers are for the chop.

Ian reverts to his factory settings.

MON DIEU! HOW WILL BARBARA AND SUSAN GET OUT OF THIS ONE? WILL IAN HULK HIS WAY OUT? WILL THE DOCTOR DEVELOP MO FARAH-LIKE SPEED ACROSS THE 5K? WILL SUSAN FIND HER GUMPTION AND GO ALONG WITH BARBARA’S NEXT ESCAPE PLAN WITHOUT GIVING UP AT THE FIRST SIGN OF INTERFERENCE FROM RODENTS? WHAT MANNER OF DEUS EX MACHINA IS WAITING IN THE WINGS TO GET US OUT OF THIS CLIFFHANGER OF ALL CLIFFHANGERS?

Summary (as applicable to this episode)

Does it pass the Bechdel test? Hurdles it.

Is the gaze problematic? Nope.

Is/are the woman companion(s) dressed 'for the Dads'? No. Though Susan and Barbara finally get to show a bit of clavicle. Scandalous.

Does a woman fall over/twist her ankle (whilst running from peril)? No running this week.

Does a woman wander off alone for the sole dramatic purpose of getting into trouble so she can be rescued later? Nope.

Is/are the woman companion(s) captured? Everyone is captured.

Does the Doctor/a man companion/any other man have to rescue the woman companion(s) from peril? The Doctor seems to be on a one-man mission to save his Crew, but he spends most of the episode pissing about with shovels, and Ian's locked up, so Babs and Susan have to save themselves YET ARE PREVENTED FROM DOING SO BY BULLSHIT WRITING INVOLVING RATS AND UNCHARACTERISTIC PESSIMISM.

Is a woman placed under threat of actual bodily harm? Yup. Everyone is. Plus Babs is propositioned.

Does a woman have to deal with a sexual predator? Yup. Yuck.

Is/are the woman companion's/s' first/only reaction(s) to peril gratuitous screaming? No.

Does a woman companion go into hysterics over something reasonably minor? Susan is stereotypically hysterical about the rats, though she has had a rough day.

Is a woman 'spared' the ordeal of having to do/witness something unpleasant by a man who makes a decision on her behalf/keeps her deliberately ignorant? No. Though Babs seems willing to let Susan die rather than allow for the possibility of her Space Daughter encountering any more rodents.

Does a man automatically disbelieve or belittle something a woman (companion) says happened to her? Not really applicable this episode as the women are in their own cell this week.

Does a man talk over a woman or talk about a woman as though she isn't there? No.

Does the woman companion have to be calmed/comforted by the Doctor/a man companion/a man? No, but Susan has to be cuddled and comforted by Babs a lot.

Is a woman the first/only person to be (most gratuitously) menaced by the episode's antagonist(s)? I'll say. Ian gets crossed off the death list, and the Doctor is out and about murdering people with shovels, while Babs and Susan are carted off to get beheaded at the end of the episode.

Is a man shamed into doing/not doing something because the alternative is a woman doing/not doing something? No.

Does the woman companion come up with a plan? Barbara comes up with an escape plan but Susan pours cold water on it at every opportunity; when she finally gets on board, the plan is scuppered by rats.

Does the woman companion do something stupid/banal/weird which inspires a man to be a Man with a Plan? No.

Does a woman come up with a theory and is it ridiculed by the Doctor/a man? N/A.

Does a woman call the Doctor out on his bullshit? N/A.

Does a woman get to be a badass? Barbara gets to slap the jailer when he propositions her for sex and she is generally kickass about tearing a bed apart with her bare hands and trying to dig her way out of the cell.

Is the young, strong, straight, white male lead the person most often in control of the situation? Not really.

Is there past/future/alien sexism? PROPOSITIONING BARBARA FOR SEX IN EXCHANGE FOR PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT IN JAIL.

Does a 'present'-day character call anybody out on past/future/alien sexism? Barbara smacks him in the gob.

Does an past/future/alien person have the hots for a woman companion and is it reciprocated? Yes and no. See above.

Did a woman write/direct/produce this episode? No/No/Yes.

Verdict

A seriously mixed bag this week. While I appreciate the fact that Babs gives the jailer a good hard slap, I'd rather she weren't propositioned on the first place; it's really not ok. Then she gets to be a positive, proactive force (and indeed pull some fantastic faces) when she's trying her damnedest to escape, but ultimately gives up and accepts death because Susan's having a pessimistic moment. Susan is clearly worried about her grandfather and on a bit of a downer because she's in very real danger of being guillotined. I appreciate that there is actually dialogue in which Barbara comments on how unusual this is for Susan, and it is interesting at least to see her at a low ebb, but I flat out refuse to believe that Susan Foreman would choose death over rats, or that Barbara would ever let her do such a thing. It's lazy, sexist writing that's only there to throw a spanner in their escape plans to spin out the plot and could have been avoided easily by simply having them run out of time, which is entirely believable, as I reckon it would take bloody ages to crowbar your way out of a stone prison cell with a plank of wood, and you probably would be taken away to be executed before you finished the job. Ian is a bit out of sorts, too, and seems to have forgotten all about his fellow travellers until he sees them being led to the guillotine. Now he's somewhat recklessly throwing in his lot with eighteenth-century MI6 just for the hell of it. Plus, as I say, it's odd that he's on the side of the aristocracy in this serial as he's generally the leftier of the humans. Meanwhile, the Doctor is having a whale of a time murdering the locals. A few hours away from the mellowing influence of his granddaughter and the humans and he's already whacking people with spades with gay abandon. The man is a menace. Let's hope Susan finds her mojo next week, and that the Team is reunited soon (but not at the expense of Barbara's proactive badassery).