Series 1 Episode 26: The Keys of Marinus

Serial: The Keys of Marinus
Episode: 6 (The Keys of Marinus)
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companions: Barbara, Ian, and Susan

Writer: Terry Nation
Director: John Gorrie
Producer: Verity Lambert
Original Air Date: 16/05/1964

DOCTOR WHODUNNIT (and other stories)

In which Team Babs heads a Detective Show subplot, Susan gets her Space Family back, a potentially problematic plot-twist occurs, and the the leader of the Voord(s) is really shit at disguises.

So Susan’s been kidnapped and is in danger of being murdered in the near future. Sabetha is all for running to tell the Doctor, but Babs – rather ruthlessly, actually – insists that they find Susan themselves so the Doctor can keep his mind on getting Ian off his murder charge. Now that’s interesting: Barbara was complicit in a ‘let’s not tell the Doctor his granddaughter is missing presumed imperilled’ situation during a sandstorm in Marco Polo, but this is far more calculating, and much more like that time towards the end of The Edge of Destruction where the Doctor deliberately kept Barbara and Susan out of the loop so they wouldn’t have a womanly freakout over the fact that they only had five minutes to live. For all her protectiveness towards Susan, it seems Babs is prioritising Ian. Apparently she’s learning from the Doctor as much as he’s learning from her.

Meanwhile, Ian has ‘until the point reaches the star’ to live. And will not be allowed to see his friends before he dies. Bummer.

Back in the corridors, Babs has had a brainwave: go and pay Kala a visit and ask her about anyone her husband was meeting frequently in the hopes that it will lead them to Aydan’s accomplice in the murder, who is also probably the kidnapper. Altos thinks it’s a great idea, seeing as wives who get knocked about by their husbands are always happy to help put away their murderers; Sabetha isn’t so sure.

Anyway, Team Babs goes to Kala’s apartment to ask her a few questions, but Kala pleads ignorance and insists tearfully that they leave her to the memory of her husband’s crimes. Barbara tries playing the ‘you’re our only help’ card, but Kala is now sobbing, and it would appear that Barbara’s newfound willingness to risk the emotional wellbeing of others for the sake of her friends has its limits. Kala appreciates they must’ve been sick with worry since Susan called but refuses flat out to help, and a crestfallen Babs leads her team out of the apartment. As she does, she pauses beside Kala and reaches out as if to comfort her but only succeeds in brushing her arm, apologising again and telling her ‘we had to try’.

It’s a really interesting moment, because of course Barbara heard Aydan hitting Kala whilst listening at the door last episode, so her apology is only half an ‘I’m sorry your husband got murdered’ kind of apology. Indeed, it’s also an ‘I’m sorry I heard you getting smacked and didn’t do anything about it’ kind of apology. And is pretty inadequate, actually.

But OH WHAT’S THIS!? Kala’s sobbing has become EVIL SMIRKING! AND she’s doing…THE EVIL VOICE!

Well this is a twist! Turns out it woz the battered wife wot dunnit. She slides open a side door to reveal poor Susan, bound and gagged and…DEFINITELY within earshot of the other room. There’s no way she wouldn’t have heard Team Babs come a-calling, and there’s no way they wouldn’t have heard her scream. But that’s just a budget thing, I suppose. Anyway, Kala gloats a bit at how Team Babs is ‘like all the rest of them – stupid’, before the phone starts to ring. It’s Eyesen, and he’s on speakerphone:

EYESEN: The trial has just ended. Chesterton is to be executed at the beginning of the next zenith.
KALA: Good. The old man didn't say where the key was hidden?
EYESEN: No. I'm certain he doesn't know. I'll get it later then come for you. Be ready.
KALA: I will. What about the child?
EYESEN: She's no more use. Now she can identify you, now. Kill her.

SHIT.

Ok, now that all has been revealed, I’m going to talk a bit about the domestic violence subplot. On the one hand, I find it rather disturbing that the fact that Aydan hits Kala is used as a means of facilitating a plot twist. We’re meant to feel sorry for her and see her primarily as a victim, so that when eventually she is revealed to be a murderer and a kidnapper and in league with Eyesen (and does her Evil Voice), it’s more of a big reveal. On the other hand, it makes Kala a far more complex character, insofar as we can understand how she might have found herself embroiled in the plot to steal the micro-key and willing to murder her own husband not purely out of greed but also as an act of revenge for having been made to suffer at Aydan’s hands. It doesn’t excuse her threatening to kill Susan and hanging the rest of Team Tardis out to dry, but it does mean that, as one of the baddies, she’s far from a cardboard cutout. Of course the real villain of the piece is Eyesen, who has clearly taken advantage of a woman who has no qualms about sacrificing her bellend of a husband for a new life with a new man and untold riches.

Back out in the corridors, a dejected Babs is regretting not having told the Doctor in the first place, and what’s more will never forgive herself if anything happens to Susan. Sabetha tells Babs it was a terrible choice (to have been forced to make, I assume), especially as Susan sounded so afraid and all. Rub it in, Sabetha. But then - HOLY MORSE!!

It seems Sabetha’s done a Lewis and her throwaway comment has caused Barbara ‘Endeavour’ Wright to have a lightbulb moment: Kala couldn’t have known about Susan’s phonecall, so how was she able to commiserate with Team Babs over how worried they must have been since they spoke to Susan? Truly Barbara is shaping up to be an excellent TV Detective. They zoom off back to Kala’s place, looking delighted with themselves.

And not a moment too soon! For Kala is about to shoot Susan with that potato blaster. As she gloats over her intended victim, Team Babs sneaks up behind her and grabs her; Altos and Sabetha drag her away while Babs unties Susan. Cuddles are needed. Obv.

Meanwhile, outside the courtroom, the Doctor is sitting on a bench looking crestfallen. Eyesen shakes his hand and displays a little faux magnanimity while the Security Desk Guy locks the exhibits from the trial (including the mace) in a cupboard. Tarron tells the Doctor he needs to leave; the Doctor, however, says he can’t leave and must gather new evidence. That he’s got to a stage in his relationship with the two humans where he’s putting Ian’s life ahead of his desire to get the hell out of dodge shows real character development on his part, and it’s lovely. As we saw from the happy reunion of Team Tardis in the previous episode, they’re starting to feel like a family now, and there’s no longer any question of anyone (or at least anyone in the Original Four) being left behind.

The phone rings, and it’s Barbara wanting to speak to Tarron. She tells him Kala dunnit and why doesn’t he come and get her? Barbara out.

Later, Babs is explaining how they knew it was Kala wot dunnit, and Susan is way too excited about the way Team Babs jumped Kala from behind considering she was a witness to the slapping incident. One day I will compile a list of Susan’s likes/dislikes, and among the likes will be ‘flaming skulls’, ‘playing dead’, and ‘a good stealth attack’.

Babs apologises to the Doctor and says she had no right to risk Susan’s life like that. ‘Perhaps not,’ says the Doctor, but ‘the child is safe and well’ at any rate. And anyway, he’s more worried about Ian right now. Wonders will never cease.

Also, bad news on the Ian front: Kala’s named Ian as her accomplice! LIES! Even Tarron is beginning to think something’s not right here, though mostly he thinks Kala is ‘a vicious, dangerous woman’. Ugh.

Anyway, they’ve still got no proof, but Susan has some useful info: there was definitely a third party involved seeing as how she heard Eyesen (whose voice she doesn’t recognise) telling Kala to kill her, and what’s more he’s picking up the key tonight. The Doctor starts cackling like a madman – they can catch him red-handed and RELEASE HIS NEW SPACE BRO! MANIACAL LAUGHTER!

After a brief interlude in which Ian watches the clock a bit, we find ourselves back at the Security Desk at night. A cloaked figure takes the mace from the cupboard, and is immediately apprehended by the other guards. The Doctor flicks the light on and Scooby Doos Eyesen’s hood off.

And now Ian’s out of jail! And for an encore, the Doctor is opening up the mace to reveal the micro-key hidden inside it! Kala and Eyesen have fessed up, and Tarron now realises Ian happened to walk into the middle of the robbery by accident, only he looked so guilty Tarron never doubted that Ian dunnit. The Doctor sasses him with some Greek philosophy and claims to have met Pyrrho into the bargain. Such a namedropper.

Susan is on a high and actually yells WHOOPEEEEE as she gives Barbara a victory cuddle. I have to say these two have been generally adorable for this whole serial.

Anyway, Susan’s space family is back together, and they’re all off to join Altos and Sabetha, who have gone ahead to Arbitan’s gaff. The Doctor gets authorisation to take the final key back to Arbitan, and Ian gets his travel dial back. Team Tardis takes great delight in trolling Tarron and Larn as they turn their travel dials; the Doctor in particular takes great delight in telling the guards ‘goodbye, my friends’, before popping into the ether by way of a mic-drop. The guards agree to keep the crazy to themselves.

Back at the pyramid, Altos is being interrogated by Yartek, the leader of the Voord (Voords?), who is wearing Arbitan’s robes. Altos just wants to know where Sabetha is. When Sabetha is brought in, she tells Yartek to let Altos go as he’s only a servant and she’s defo not in love with him or anything. Yartek calls her bluff, and of course she stays his hand; advantage Yartek. The pesky Voord tells Sabetha he reckons Altos is defo in love with her and will totes tell him where the final key is; Sabetha says the man who loves her will never betray her; Yartek threatens to kill Sabetha; Altos tells Yartek the Doctor has the key. Fucksake, Altos. Also, when exactly are they supposed to have fallen in love?

Meanwhile, there’s some comedy gold from the Doctor and Ian who bump into each other in a corridor. Susan and Babs are amused. Apparently Arbitan kept his promise and lifted the forcefield from around the Tardis…as he lay dying!? I dunno. I don’t care. They have a ride home, anyway. Then this happens:

(Gifs by cleowho.)

DARLINGS.

Anyway, they’re all a bit worried about Sabetha and Altos, and with good reason, because they’ve been put in a cell somewhere. Yartek puts four keys into the machine.

ONE DAY MORE…

Back in the corridors, Team Tardis hears something a-stirring. Ian goes on ahead while the Doctor gets ready to bludgeon whatever it is with his walking stick. Sure enough a sneaky Voord creeps up and is about to stick the business end of a dagger into Ian’s back when the Doctor strikes. Well done, team.

They all chuckle at how great they are and the Doctor suggests that a pyramid full of stabby scuba-divers is a sure sign that they should all really be getting the fuck out of here. Babs points out that Sabetha and Altos are still missing, and Susan backs her up; the Doctor pulls a ‘being a better person is HARD’ face, and Ian resignedly suggests they split up. He and Susan go to find Arbitan, with strict instructions from the Doctor not to hand over the final key unless everything is transparently OK, while the Doctor and Babs go in search of Sabetha and Altos. Barbara picks up the Voord’s dagger, suggesting she and the Doctor ought to take it with them just in case; the Doctor fervently agrees. Bonding over mutual pragmatism for the win.

Meanwhile, Sabetha and Altos are being filmed poorly through the bars of their cells. And they’re in love. Nobody cares.

Back in the conscience room, Ian and Susan have found ‘Arbitan’, who is very obviously Yartek wearing a hood. Then this happens.

DYING.

Ludicrously, it’s only when Yartek, in a bid to be more convincing, fakes fatherly concern for Sabetha asks Ian whether Altos is good enough for his daughter that they begin to smell a rat, seeing as how the real Arbitan knew Altos pretty well. Ian seems pretty happy to hand over the key, however, though Susan clearly wonders what the hell he’s doing seeing as how that’s clearly not the real Arbitan. Be more assertive, Susan! Anyway, they go off to find the Doctor, and Yartek, alone at last, removes his hood with a flourish…or at least tries to but is impeded by the shape of his own head.

Back in the corridor, Susan wants to know why Ian gave the key to the obvious impostor. Before he can answer, however, Babs drags them away to where Altos and Sabetha are. They’ve updated the Doctor and Babs on the Arbitan-is-dead situation, and the Doctor is pretty agitated about the fact that if all the keys end up in the machine, Yartek’s power will be ‘absolute’ and the machine will wipe out any impulse they have to leave in the Tardis.

The Doctor is also pretty pissed off at Ian for having given Yartek the key, and it’s only at this moment that Mr. Smuggity Smugpants McSmug Chesterton chooses to reveal that he actually gave Yartek the fake key they found on the idol in the jungle a few episodes back. Keep it to yourself, why don’t you, Ian.

The Doctor is delighted at his tricksy Space Bro’s tricksiness, but Sabetha looks alarmed and tells them they all need to get out of the building PRONTO because the false key will cause the machine to blow up. Altos can’t even get to the end of his sentence (or maybe Billy was just too keen with his lines) before the Doctor is yelling for them to get the hell out of there.

As they try to find the door, a very excellent Voord shadow appears at the end of the corridor. Said Voord, rather than stabbing everyone, reports back to Yartek, who reckons there’s no point chasing after them seeing as the machine will be controlling everyone soon anyway. He puts the final key in the machine…AND IT BLOWS UP! The explosion seems to trigger the swivelly door and Team Tassles is out of there.

Back at the Tardis, it seems everything is in working order. The Doctor takes Sabetha aside, tells her he’s sorry about her dad being dead and everything, and also that machines that control people are a really shit idea so maybe steer clear of that sort of thing when carrying on Arbitan’s research. Intriguingly, the Doctor claims to know how Sabetha felt when her father died, which Sabetha interprets as knowing how it feels to have one’s life’s work destroyed. Either way, interesting. Also I cannot BELIEVE they had a serial with a machine that removes free will in it and they just tacked on a bit at the end where the Doctor goes ‘nah that’s problematic’ and leaves.

Susan asks Sabetha and Altos what their plans are; they’re going to start over in Millennius; the Doctor calls Susan in to stop her being a massive cockblock and she hugs them and bids them farewell. Then it’s kisses from Babs and handshakes from Ian. Also the Doctor gets to keep the micro-key, so that’s presumably still in the Tardis somewhere. Barbara tells Altos to take care of her girl Sabetha and the two of them walk off holding hands. Babs looks after them wistfully. Then this happens.

Well aren’t you two just the cutest. Also it’s interesting that this is the first time Barbara says she’ll miss a one-serial character, and it's not just because she, Altos, and Sabetha were quite the team back on Millennius. Remember, she and Ganatus had a bit of a thing on Skaro, but back then Barbara hadn't even begun to think about what it really means to be a wanderer in the fourth dimension. Certainly on Skaro she was still living the extended nightmare of having been kidnapped by aliens. This time, however, it would appear that Barbara has begun to accept her new lifestyle for what it is, and like Susan is having to deal with the reality of saying goodbye to people she knows in her heart of hearts she will never see again. It's a major bit of character development but done with the lightest of touches. And when Ian says 'come on, Barbara', he really means 'let's go home'. And as Barbara says in Marco Polo, 'the Tardis is the only home we have at the moment'. Lovely stuff.

The two teachers disappear inside their strange new home from home, and the teeny toy Tardis dematerialises.

AND THAT’S THE LAST WE’LL EVER SEE OF MARINUS! WHERE WILL TEAM TARDIS BE TAKEN NEXT? WILL THEY HAVE A CHANCE TO DO THEIR LAUNDRY? HOW IS IAN NOT RIPE AS HELL HAVING NOT CHANGED OUT OF THAT SILK JACKET SINCE THE LATE THIRTEENTH CENTURY? IS THERE ANY WAY THE UPCOMING SERIAL ABOUT THE AZTECS WILL NOT MAKE ME WANT TO BLUDGEON MYSELF TO DEATH WITH A BOOK ON POSTCOLONIALISM?

Summary (as applicable to this episode)

Does it pass the Bechdel test? Yup.

Is the gaze problematic? Nope.

Is/are the woman companion(s) dressed 'for the Dads'? No. Altos, on the other hand...

Does a woman fall over/twist her ankle (whilst running from peril)? No.

Does a woman wander off alone for the sole dramatic purpose of getting into trouble so she can be rescued later? No.

Is/are the woman companion(s) captured? Yup. Sabetha. But so is Altos. Also Susan is still captured at the beginning of this.

Does the Doctor/a man companion/any other man have to rescue the woman companion(s) from peril? TEAM BABS TO THE RESCUE.

Is a woman placed under threat of actual bodily harm? Yes.

Is/are the woman companion's/s' first/only reaction(s) to peril gratuitous screaming? No.

Does a woman companion go into hysterics over something reasonably minor? No.

Is a woman 'spared' the ordeal of having to do/witness something unpleasant by a man who makes a decision on her behalf/keeps her deliberately ignorant? In a surprising turn of events, it's Babs keeping the Doctor in the dark this week.

Does a man automatically disbelieve or belittle something a woman (companion) says happened to her? No.

Does a man talk over a woman or talk about a woman as though she isn't there? Not as far as I can recall.

Does the woman companion have to be calmed/comforted by the Doctor/a man companion/a man? Barbara is still on cuddlewatch.

Is a woman the first/only person to be (most gratuitously) menaced by the episode's antagonist(s)? Ian and Susan are both in danger of being murdered.

Is a man shamed into doing/not doing something because the alternative is a woman doing/not doing something? No.

Does the woman companion come up with a plan? Babs has a few brainwaves but it's Ian with the key plan.

Does the woman companion do something stupid/banal/weird which inspires a man to be a Man with a Plan? Sabetha inspires Babs.

Does a woman come up with a theory and is it ridiculed by the Doctor/a man? Yes and no.

Does a woman call the Doctor out on his bullshit? Nope.

Does a woman get to be a badass? I think Babs's detective work is pretty badass.

Is the young, strong, straight, white male lead the person most often in control of the situation? Not as such, but Ian starts running the show once he's out of jail.

Is there past/future/alien sexism? A bit.

Does a 'present'-day character call anybody out on past/future/alien sexism? Not so much.

Does an past/future/alien person have the hots for a woman companion and is it reciprocated? Wasn't feeling the Security Desk Guy thing this week.

Did a woman write/direct/produce this episode? No/No/Yes.

Verdict

Well, that was a bit of a romp. Excellent character development from the Doctor again, and lovely to see Team Tardis in full Dysfunctional Space Family Mode. Susan and Babs in particular warmed the cockles of my heart, and obviously any time Susan displays unguarded affection towards her human space parents, it's ludicrously poignant. She must have been the loneliest child for the longest time. Or there's a horrible, horrible parent-related backstory in which her parents (one of whom is also the Doctor's son/daughter) are dead and she's basically Harry Potter...IN SPAAAAAAAAACE. Thinking about Susan's possible backstory always ends in Sad Thoughts. Speaking of Susan, she gets the shit end of the stick as far as being captured goes, but gets some lovely moments when she's not being kidnapped. Team Babs (Barbara + Sabetha + Altos) was wonderful, and it was interesting to see some reversals on the 'keeping people out of the loop' and 'that throwaway comment has given me an idea' tropes. Ian didn't have much to do this week except watch the clock, but he made up for it by being insufferably smug about the whole fake key thing. The Doctor was glorious. Sabetha and Altos didn't really need the random falling-for-each-other plot, but they're mostly inoffensive, and it was interesting to see the moment when Barbara's new lifestyle caught up with her and she realised she'd probably never see them again. The domestic violence subplot was, as I said, a tricky one to navigate, as on the one hand it seemed like an effort to subvert our natural sympathies towards victims of domestic abuse (which is gross) but on the other hand seemed calculated to make Kala less of a straight-up villian and more of a troubled woman who channels her suffering into viciousness towards others in a vicious circle of violence. Put simply, it's complicated. On a lighter note, Yartek trying to maintain his disguise by inventing a contagious disease is the funniest thing I've seen all week, apart from the Doctor and Ian having a spat in a corridor that is. Overall, good to see Team Tardis becoming more of a family. This serial was a mixed bag, and I'd have cut 'The Snows of Terror' altogether or given the serial more room to explore the interesting stuff like a machine that removes free will in the name of justice, but that's just me. On with The Aztecs!

Series 1 Episode 25: Sentence of Death

Serial: The Keys of Marinus
Episode: 5 (Sentence of Death)
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companions: Barbara, Ian, and Susan

Writer: Terry Nation
Director: John Gorrie
Producer: Verity Lambert
Original Air Date: 09/05/1964

THE DOCTOR ONE LADIES' DETECTIVE AGENCY (and other stories)

In which William Hartnell comes back from his holidays, Barbara and Susan are Team Watson, the Doctor plays at being a lawyer, and Ian is guilty until proven innocent. Also, domestic violence trigger warning. Because apparently this show is now Eastenders…IN SPAAAAAAAAACE.

We begin with a reshoot of Ian being boshed over the head with a potato gun, this time from an angle that doesn't make it obvious that he’s just having his spine tickled. Again he swoons and falls down next to the unidentified corpse that’s in the room with him, and again a mace is placed in his unconscious hand as his mystery assailant steals the micro-key from its case. Alarms! Drama! Etc.!

Ian comes round to discover he's sustained a painful bump on the bonce and that he is being interrogated by a guard in a vaguely fascist-looking uniform. Ian wants to know what the hell happened here; the guard thinks Ian should be the one answering that question. Apparently he couldn't have got into the room without the duty guard letting him in, and besides nobody gets into the vaults without a probity check. Ian hasn't had one.

Ah, probity probes.

Something else Ian hasn't had since waking up is a single fuck to give about any of this. In fact, he's projecting Barbara levels of Eternally Done right now, and in his furs looks as much like a bear with a sore head as he sounds like one. He's somewhat sobered, however, when he realises he's being accused of murder and their conversation is being recorded. There's also a rather poignant moment when he's asked his name and occupation, and he pauses for a moment before answering that he's ‘a teacher – Science’, as though it’s only just sinking in how ridiculously far he is from that former life. ‘Ian Chesterton, Science Teacher’ seems pretty distant from ‘Ian/Chesterton/Chatterton/Chesserman/Chesterfield/Dear Boy/the Human, Time Traveller’ who’s standing in an alien security vault wearing an outfit from the thirteenth-century Mongolian Empire and a wolfskin shrug. And when Tarron (his interrogator) asks him if he knows the purpose of the micro-key, he just rubs the bump on his head without answering, looking tired – no, not tired, weary.

I know he does have an actual head injury, but I think there’s an argument to be made for this scene being key to Ian’s character development. Increasingly we’re getting these quieter moments from him where he’s not dashing about à la Susan’s goldfish analogy or channelling his energies into being overprotective of Barbara and the gang; and we begin to get the sense that Ian’s the kind of person who has to keep active, not just because his inner pessimist tends to take hold at such times but also because as long as he’s fulfilling this weirdly chivalric ideal of masculinity he can subordinate his identity crises to the immediate need to be the Man of Action. And we can see this here: the minute he stops rushing around, he has trouble remembering who he is and what he’s for. Hashtag He For She; Hashtag Ian Needs Feminism Too.

Anyway, Tarron asks what Ian’s done with the key; Ian, frustrated, tells him he never had the effing thing. Tarron tells Ian he’s being charged with murder – DRAMATIC MUSIC! Ian thinks ‘this business is beginning to run away from me’, and protests that this whole thing is fucking stupid:

IAN: Well there was another man in here, I've got a lump on the back of my head to prove it!
TARRON: The dead man could have hit you before he was killed.
IAN: And I suppose I killed him when I was unconscious?
TARRON: Well it does suggest you had an accomplice, I agree. So you had better produce him, that's my advice to you for what it's worth.
IAN: I don't have to produce him, Tarron, you do! This is circumstantial evidence. You must prove that I did the actual killing!

And now for the real icing on the cake: in Millennius, the legal system dictates that Ian is not in fact innocent until proven guilty but rather guilty until proven innocent. So Ian needs to get a lawyer, sharpish, or he’s going to be executed. GULP. Ian thinks he knows the guy. And is cracking up a bit, because when Tarron asks who he is, this happens:

Keep it together, Ian.

Meanwhile, Barbara is being very polite and charming to the guard on the reception desk and has managed to get Team Tassles permission to see Ian. Susan, Sabetha, and Altos have been making enquiries about the Doctor, who’s been seen around the place but is currently AWOL. I must say I do love Team Tassles as it currently stands, mostly because Babs appears to have become its benevolent matriarch.

Enter Ian, who is pleased to see them but understandably anxious to find the Doctor on account of the fact that ‘the laws in this country are a mockery’. A familiar voice speaks from outside the shot: ‘I quite agree with you, my boy.’

BILLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YOU’RE BACK! I didn’t realise how much I missed you.

Everyone except Ian runs to hug him, and it’s beautiful. Team Tardis is back together again, and everything is going to be all right. Apart from the fact that Ian (who sounds a lot more West Midlands when he’s agitated, it must be said) is going to be executed. The Doctor gets his Elle Woods on and tell Ian he’s the legal eagle they need. Bang on.

I just want us all to take a moment to appreciate that the Doctor and Ian are now officially Space Bros. The Doctor actually gives a shit about his humans and is finally stepping up to the plate for a change. Character development for the win.

Later, three beardy men with Interesting Headdresses that look a bit like chefs’ hats crossed with paper lanterns walk into an impressive-looking courtroom. They are the judges. They ask the Real Slim Shady representative for the defence to please stand up, and the Doctor asks for time to gather evidence. The request is granted, but he doesn’t have long, seeing as Ian’s going to be executed in three days unless evidence can be found to prove his innocence. Crikey.

Eyesen, the prosecutor, engages in some low-level smack-talk with the Doctor; the Doctor is sassy and unphased. Team Tassles congratulates the Doctor on his mad legal skills, and the Doctor tells hem he’s been studying the local laws since Eprim – Ian’s supposed victim – was murdered. Altos’s ears prick up at the sound of the name:

ALTOS: (shocked) Eprim?
IAN: He was your friend?
ALTOS: Yes. You found him, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Oh yes, I had met him and arranged to take the micro-key but something must have happened, that's why he tried to take the key earlier than we had arranged.
SABETHA: And he was killed?
DOCTOR: Yes. He must have told his plans to someone else. And that someone else killed him and took the key.
IAN: Then all we have to do is find out who took the key and why!

Rather than take a moment to mourn the loss of his friend, Altos chooses to process his grief through the medium of sass:

The Doctor agrees they all need to get a wriggle on, and sends Altos and Sabetha off to the library to research case histories of Hippogriff murder trials. When Susan asks what she can do, the Doctor says she and Barbara can be his Detectives. Right on. Then Ian asks what he can do. And this happens:

'TRUST ME [I'M THE DOCTOR]' IS BORN.

Sabetha and Altos are pretending to read a blank Space Book. Meanwhile, the Doctor, Barbara, and Susan, are going over events with Tarron, who maintains that the key cannot have left the room because of reasons which I would write down if I could be arsed. Suffice to say, it’s a Jonathan Creek-style locked room mystery, and the Doctor thinks he’s Sherlock Holmes:

BARBARA: Have you any idea how the key got out of here?
DOCTOR: Oh, elementary, elementary.
SUSAN: Grandfather! Do you mean you know? I mean, how? Where?
DOCTOR: All in good time, my child. The important thing is I believe I know who did the killing.

I already knew there was a strong Holmesian thread running through Classic Who, but I didn’t realise it went this far back. More importantly, the Doctor reckons he can figure out what happened by holding an impromptu improv session, which involves Barbara pretending to be Ian, Susan pretending to be the corpse (poor, morbid Susan), and William Hartnell karate-chopping the hapless Jacqueline Hill to the ground. It is a thing of beauty and must be GIF-ed.

Anyway, the upshot is, it’s the so-called relief guard wot dunnit because the easiest way for the murderer to get away without running into security is to pretend to be first on the scene. Babs and Susan are all ready to go charging off to tell Tarron, but the Doctor reckons this will only complete Tarron’s case against Ian, seeing as how he can’t prove it wasn’t Ian wot hid the key in its present location (which the Doctor knows but apparently isn’t telling). He also has a task for Babs and Susan that he thinks they’ll find ‘very interesting’; they look hilariously unconvinced.

It turns out Team Watson’s task is to talk to the relief guard in question. His name is Aydan, and he’s not at home; his wife Kala, however, who would make an excellent Narcissa Malfoy if only because she has the dogshit-under-the-nose facial expression nailed, is smoothly and unflappable hospitable. No sooner has a possible motive for theft been established – to wit, the fact that the key is valuable as hell seeing as there are only five of them in the whole universe – than Aydan himself comes bursting in, freezing in suspicion as he sees our detectives perched on the sofa.

And now it’s Susan’s time to shine, goading Aydan essentially by telling him that her grandfather is going to come down on him like a tonne of bricks in the courtroom, and then eliciting a confession from him using the oldest trick in the book:

SUSAN: I thought you might like to know that we know where the key is hidden!
BARBARA: Susan!
AYDAN: (Alarmed) But you couldn't know where it is! I...

Go Susan. Also, and I don’t say this to detract from Susan’s tactics seeing as how she clearly has the measure of him, how thick is Aydan? Anyway, he resorts to hollow threats, about which Team Watson gives precisely zero fucks.

Aydan, who is clearly a very insecure and violent man, makes as though to strike Susan but is held back by Kala, sparing Babs the necessity of going into kill mode. They leave the premises and immediately start eavesdropping. Aydan is aggressive, Kala placatory, and then something very disturbing happens: there’s a smacking sound as though Aydan has hit Kala very hard indeed, followed by a slamming door. Barbara and Susan look alarmed and immediately bend down to look in at the keyhole, but can only see a hand pressing the buttons of a comms device; footsteps sound in the corridor, and they have to scarper.

Yikes. What a bastard. I’d like to think that, had they not been forced to flee, Barbara and Susan would have stormed the place, or at least waited until Aydan had left before sneaking back in to check if Kala was ok. I’m actually going to save my comments on the domestic violence subplot for the final episode in this serial, because it’s only then that we get the bigger picture on Kala’s relationship with Aydan, and I have Things To Say about the way Terry Nation has used the fact that Aydan clearly knocks his wife about as a red herring. Which is…hmmm. It’s also a surprisingly complex and adult situation for a children’s show, so I want to do it justice by talking about it properly once it’s reached its conclusion. For now I’m just going to do a massive Humanities buzzword copout and say it’s – wait for it – problematic. But this will get the space it deserves.

Back to the plot, it seems someone in the Kala/Aydan household is calling Eyesen the prosecutor. We only get to hear Eyesen’s side of the conversation: an unspecified ‘she’ may know something, an unspecified mutual friend may be unable to go through with an unspecified something, and the person on the other end of the phone may have to do an unspecified something about it. Clear? I thought so.

Back in court, Eyesen is arguing that Ian is, like, totes guilty because the murder weapon has Savage Vibes or something and was found in Ian’s right hand. The Doctor gets his Poirot on, telling the assembled court that the murderer is IN THIS VERY ROOM but it sure as hell isn't his client (or words to that effect).

Such a drama queen. Or whatever the gender-neutral equivalent of a drama queen is. What is that, by the way?

Anyway, the Doctor calls Sabetha to the stand for a flagrant bit of theatre in which he shows her a picture of the micro-key and asks her whether she recognises it. When she answers in the affirmative, he asks her whether she knows where it is, at which point she produces one of her own micro-keys (or perhaps the fake one), to general astonishment. He asks her where she got it; she tells him the man who murdered the guard; he asks her where he is and whether she can point him out, and she singles out Aydan sitting in the front row. Doctor, you devious little blighter.

So Aydan, as well as being a murderer and a wife-beater, is also – as we saw earlier – thick as shit, and blurts out that she can’t have found it. Realising he’s incriminated himself, he makes a dash for it, AND IS GRABBED AND RESTRAINED BY BARBARA AND SUSAN. Seriously, do NOT fuck with Team Watson. Babs in particular looks like she’s ready to wrestle him to the ground, while the morbid ‘gonna walk you into a sword’ gleam is back in Susan’s eye.

Recognising that he is in the grip of unyielding badasses, Aydan promptly decides to spill his guts. He gets as far as ‘they made me do it’ before he’s murdered by lasers (assailant unknown) and falls dead to the floor. There’s a stunned silence before Kala sinks to the ground and starts weeping over the body.

Later, an unrepentant Doctor is explaining his tricksy means to the judges. Meanwhile, Ian and Babs are chatting to Tarron, who’s telling them about psychometric testing, whereby ‘[e]xperts are able to define from an object the characteristics of the person who last had contact with that object’. Which explains all that business with the murder weapon earlier. Babs comments that it’s an improvement on fingerprints; Tarron is nonplussed; Babs says it’s not important. LOL. Though what on Earth are you talking about, Babs? Psychometric testing on inanimate objects sounds fucking mental and seems to involve a great deal of profiling. Then this happens:

I’m glad the episode has this moment, as I was beginning to be concerned about the fact that neither Barbara nor Susan had brought up the fact that Aydan was physically abusive. She doesn’t elaborate, and clearly Ian doesn’t grasp the full significance of her grim aside, but I’m glad she for one won’t be shedding a tear over the loss of a murder with a nasty temper who takes it out on his wife. And speaking of Kala, she’s been sent home with some drugs because she’s ‘hysterical’. Sigh.

As the tribunal resumes, Altos asks Babs where Susan’s got to; apparently she’s gone to get Ian’s statement and has in no way been kidnapped or imperilled or anything like that. But OH NO, it looks like Ian’s still in the doghouse and the Doctor’s little spectacle has backfired: Eyore or Eyesore or whatever the prosecutor’s name is submits that Ian is still guilty as hell, that Aydan was clearly coerced into being his accomplice, and that Team Tassles probably killed him.

At this point, the guard from the security desk comes in, whispers to Babs, and she, Susan, Altos, and Sabetha scarper from the courtroom unnoticed. The head judge, meanwhile, reckons Eyesen is right, and the other two judges do a lot of vigorous nodding. The Doctor asks for time to produce new evidence, and is denied. Which is unsurprising after the stunt he pulled, I suppose. So now Ian’s going to be executed.

Outside, Babs is talking to her mate from the security desk, who’s been given a note to give to her. And OH CRIKEY, this is what it says: ‘There will be another death if you disclose where the key is hidden.’ Altos reckons this is proof that someone else was involved and is keen to get it to Tarron and the Doctor sharpish. Babs wants to know whose death is on the cards, and as if to answer her question, a phone begins to ring.

Babs’s mate from the security desk picks up the phone and hands it to Babs, smiling pleasantly. I know I’m holding up the momentum at a crucial moment, but I like this guy. I want to see more of Barbara and the Security Desk Guy. He could be the new Ganatus. It’s a niche ship, but I think it’s got sails.

Anyway, it’s Susan…and ‘they’ made her call Babs…AND ‘THEY’ ARE GOING TO KILL HER!!

SHIT THE BED WHERE IS SUSAN AND WHO’S GOT HER AND WILL SHE BE OK AND WILL BABS COME STORMING TO THE RESCUE? HOW WILL THE DOCTOR GET IAN OUT OF THIS LEGAL PICKLE? WILL ALTOS AND SABETHA EVER GET NEW CLOTHES? WILL BARBARA GET TO HAVE SOME QUALITY TIME WITH THAT PLEASANT-LOOKING SECURITY GUARD? AND WHERE IS THAT SODDING MICRO-KEY?

Summary (as applicable to this episode)

Does it pass the Bechdel test? Yup.

Is the gaze problematic? Nope.

Is/are the woman companion(s) dressed 'for the Dads'? No. Altos, on the other hand...

Does a woman fall over/twist her ankle (whilst running from peril)? No, though the Doctor does send Babs flying again.

Does a woman wander off alone for the sole dramatic purpose of getting into trouble so she can be rescued later? Yup. Susan goes off to get Ian's Statement and promptly gets kidnapped.

Is/are the woman companion(s) captured? Yup.

Does the Doctor/a man companion/any other man have to rescue the woman companion(s) from peril? Not yet.

Is a woman placed under threat of actual bodily harm? Yes. Susan by her kidnappers, Susan and Barbara by Aydan, and Kala by Aydan.

Is/are the woman companion's/s' first/only reaction(s) to peril gratuitous screaming? No.

Does a woman companion go into hysterics over something reasonably minor? No.

Is a woman 'spared' the ordeal of having to do/witness something unpleasant by a man who makes a decision on her behalf/keeps her deliberately ignorant? No.

Does a man automatically disbelieve or belittle something a woman (companion) says happened to her? No.

Does a man talk over a woman or talk about a woman as though she isn't there? Aydan.

Does the woman companion have to be calmed/comforted by the Doctor/a man companion/a man? Barbara is still on cuddlewatch.

Is a woman the first/only person to be (most gratuitously) menaced by the episode's antagonist(s)? Ian's under threat of death but the women get menaced a fair old bit.

Is a man shamed into doing/not doing something because the alternative is a woman doing/not doing something? No.

Does the woman companion come up with a plan? Nope, it's the Doctor running the show this week. Though I'd say Susan tripping Aydan up in his story is sort of a plan.

Does the woman companion do something stupid/banal/weird which inspires a man to be a Man with a Plan? Nope.

Does a woman come up with a theory and is it ridiculed by the Doctor/a man? The Doctor does pour cold water on Susan and Barbara's plan to tell Tarron about the relief guard being the culprit.

Does a woman call the Doctor out on his bullshit? Nope.

Does a woman get to be a badass? Barbara and Susan are badass detectives and heavyweights.

Is the young, strong, straight, white male lead the person most often in control of the situation? Nope, it's the Doctor in charge this week.

Is there past/future/alien sexism? Yup. Aydan is the worst.

Does a 'present'-day character call anybody out on past/future/alien sexism? Only subtly alluded to by Babs.

Does an past/future/alien person have the hots for a woman companion and is it reciprocated? ONLY IN MY MIND.

Did a woman write/direct/produce this episode? No/No/Yes.

Verdict

Now that's more like it! Billy's back, and I didn't know I'd missed him but please never leave for more than one episode ever again. The Doctor and Ian get some nice character development, Babs and Susan get to be Team Watson but an independent Team Watson that the Doctor!Holmes actually trusts to do the job without secretly following them around and undermining their efforts. It's also nice to see Barbara and Susan have a few lighter scenes with the Doctor where they're all doing improv at the murder scene, the highlights of which include Barbara being very earnest in her game of 'what would Ian do?' and Susan being an Addams Family weirdo who's way too into pretending to be a corpse. A troubling domestic violence subplot which I'll get into next week once it plays out. Overall, however, a much-needed change of pace and genre.

Series 1 Episode 24: The Snows of Terror

Serial: The Keys of Marinus
Episode: 4 (The Snows of Terror)
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companions: Barbara, Ian, and Susan

Writer: Terry Nation
Director: John Gorrie
Producer: Verity Lambert
Original Air Date: 02/05/1964

YOUR TINY HAND IS FROZEN (and other stories)

Feat. Baby’s First Trigger Warning

Yeah you heard me. Attempted rape trigger warning. Terry Nation, what the actual fuck.

We begin with Babs and Ian doing their best Torvill and Dean impression, swooning away in the polystyrene snow as a singy lady à la Star Trek – or, if the commentary is to believed, a lady flagrantly ripping off Vaughan Williams’s Sinfonia Antarctica - sets the mood.

I sped this up to make it look more like Bolero but tbh
 it just looks like Wallace and Gromit.

Babs comes round, looking unimpressed, and looks up to see a creepy beardy guy wrapped in furs looming above them; she swoons again. Creepy furry guy takes the opportunity to steal the micro-key from her hand.

However, FOR THE MOMENT, it would seem this guy isn’t a total bastard, because he appears to have taken our humans in from the cold to warm up in his log cabin. He wakes Barbara up, and she immediately wants to know where Ian is. Because of course. And GOOD NEWS, everyone, Ian’s made it, too. Creepy Furry Guy starts up a weird Che Gelida Manina routine with Barbara and teaches her how to warm up frost-bitten hands by stroking them in an unsettlingly slow manner. He asks Babs whether she’s afraid of him; when she says she’s not, he tells her he once broke the back of a wolf with his bare hands. Ok then. Also his name is Vasor.

In fairness, I would 100% watch a version of La Bohème where the rest of the song is about how Rodolfo once fucked up a wolf.

Babs goes to wake up Ian and give his hands a perfunctory rub. Vasor gives them some soup, and Babs tries to be gracious about his having saved them from freezing to death; Vasor tells them the wolves would’ve got them first.

Feat. Ian's default facial expression for the episode.

Anyway, it turns out the only reason they’ve both alive is because Altos was on hand to help. Rather shiftily, Vasor claims that Altos ‘went out’ and is probably in the village looking for Susan and Sabetha. Ian leaps into action and has to trade his travel dial for some really inadequate-looking furs so he can go after Altos. Babs isn’t happy about saying goodbye, and with good reason: she’s now alone with creepy, creepy Vasor and he plans to ‘fatten you up’. Eww.

Meanwhile, Ian is out in the snow with nothing but a fur stole and a lantern and some stock footage of wolves. He finds Altos and his Very Naked Legs lying unconscious in the snow with his hands all tied up. Foul play! Frankly I’m astonished he’s not dead yet or at least well on the way to becoming a double amputee.

SEAMLESS

Back in the cabin, Barbara is feeling super uncomfortable at the dinner table but still managing to be polite when Vasor comes out with shit like ‘that door’ll keep anything out…OR IN’. Vasor takes the dishes out, and Babs looks for somewhere to put the leftover cutlery. She opens a drawer and…OH TREACHERY! Inside said drawer are Sabetha’s chain with the micro-keys and everyone else’s travel dials. Vasor demands to know what she’s doing being all snoopy, and brave Babs confronts him over how he got her friends’ pretties. Vasor claims to have found Sabetha and Susan in a cave and given them food and fuel in exchange for their valuables; Altos forced him to go out and look for them, but instead they found our humans; afterwards Altos wanted to go out again. Barbara doesn’t believe him on account of the fact that Sabetha would never have given up the micro-keys; Vasor pretty much admits he’s left the others to the wolves (and the cold). Barbara mutters something about ‘when Ian gets back’, at which point Vasor suggests that would be highly unlikely on account of what’s in the bag he gave him. WHAT’S IN THE BAG, ANGELOS VASOR?

Outside, Ian is now rubbing Altos’s legs. Altos tells Ian it was Vasor wot tied him up, at which point Ian instantly starts panicking about how he’s left Barbara alone with him. As well he fucking might.

Che Gelida Patella

It is at this point that Ian realises Vasor gave him a bag full of raw meat to carry around with him. WOW that’s fucked up. And of course the wolves are circling. Realising the extent of Vasor’s treachery, Ian and Altos march back to the cabin to fuck him up.

*THIS IS THE BIT WITH THE ATTEMPTED RAPE. TO SKIP TO THE BIT WHERE I GET ANGRY ABOUT IT, SCROLL DOWN TO THE NEXT GIF, FEAT. BARBARA TAKING A CHUNK OUT OF VASOR'S HAND WITH HER TEETH LIKE A LATTER-DAY BRIENNE OF TARTH.*

Back in the cabin, Vasor is advancing on Babs and telling her there’s nowhere for her to run. Barbara picks up a poker and tells him to keep the fuck away from her. He tells her he can wait. JESUS.

Ian and Altos are still a quarter of a mile from the cute miniature of the log cabin and the wolves are catching up. They make a run for it.

Meanwhile, Vasor makes a grab for Barbara, who hits him with the poker. GO BABS. Riled, he tells her ‘I’ll wait no longer’ (!!!) and starts chasing her round the table. Then she falls backwards ONTO A BED and screams and he’s bearing down on her Dracula-style when there’s a knocking at the door and Ian’s yelling for Barbara to open it. Barbara runs for it and is grabbed by Vasor, but she bites his hand and breaks free and manages to unbolt the door. PHEW.

Tellingly, as Ian and Altos come crashing through the door, Barbara answers Ian’s question ‘are you all right?’ by reassuring him that ‘the girls are all right’ and in a cave somewhere. Altos looks ready to bash Vasor’s head in, but a grim-looking Ian tells him they need him unharmed if he’s going to show them where the cave is.

Ok, now that Barbara is safe and before we go any further with the action, WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED? Did they seriously just put Barbara in a damsel-in-distress scenario with a guy who was definitely trying to force himself on her and then carry on like nothing happened? Literally the only good things to be said about this scene are that a) there is zero victim-blaming involved and b) it’s not played for laughs like a Carry On film (or The Romans which is basically a Carry On film and also fucking horrifying), but just throwing it in as another bit of casual peril that’s all part and parcel of being a woman who travels with the Doctor and then not even addressing it afterwards is pretty shocking. I don’t care that a kid probably wouldn’t understand the implications of this scene; if you’re not prepared to actually talk about it in a kids’ show, don’t put it in a kids’ show. You don’t get points for adult themes in teatime viewing unless you allow some room for discussion. And this just feels gratuitous.

Rant over. For now.

Elsewhere, Susan is trying to light a paving slab, with understandably little success. She and Sabetha are cold and desperate, and Susan reckons their only option is to take their chances outside. Sabetha, who is still in her floaty Grecian number, points out they’re hardly dressed for it; Susan reckons they’ll freeze anyway sooner or later. They can’t quite remember the way they came, but they’re giving it a shot. And of course because of the Rules of Telly, it is at this point that Team Tassles (any team with Altos in it) is approaching the caves. Ugh. Filler.

Susan and Sabetha have taken the wrong turning and must now go back the way they came; Team Tassles has arrived to find an empty cave. Everyone starts yelling at Vasor to show them the way through the deeper parts of the cave; he’s…reluctant. Because of demons. They shove him into the cave passages anyway. Judging by the ferocity with which Ian is now treating Vasor, I’m going to assume that Barbara has filled him in on how Vasor is a creepy would-be rapist.

Meanwhile Susan and Sabetha seem to be going deeper into the caves and have found a TEENY TINY INDIANA JONES ROPE BRIDGE. It looks…very unsafe. They find themselves in a chamber with some creepy frozen warriors in it and freak out a bit.

Team Tassles is right behind them at the bridge, and Vasor is too much of a scaredy cat to go over it. Susan is reunited with Barbara and is delighted about it; Ian is so keen to join in the hugging that he trips over the bridge in his eagerness to cross it, and leaves Vasor behind LIKE AN IDIOT. Vasor unties his end of the bridge and throws it down, trapping everyone on the other side of what we are to assume is a gaping chasm of impassable magnitude. Ian says it’s too wide to jump (and he should know), and Babs suggests finding some logs or something to put across it. It actually looks a lot smaller than the one they jumped over in The Daleks. Just sayin’.

ENJOY YOUR TRIP

Anyway, the New Improved Team Tassles (plus much-needed furs and/or fleeces for Susan and Sabetha) wends its way through the tunnels, observing a dodgy-looking support that will probably be used to collapse the ceiling on assailants unknown at a later point in the episode. Susan has reverted to being frightened and cuddling Barbara, and Ian is almost maniacally insistent on their searching ALL THE TUNNELS for the key.

Arriving in the room with the warriors in it (who definitely won’t come to life at any time soon), Ian speculates they must be the demons stupid Vasor was worried about. Stupid Vasor who just pulled the oldest trick in the book on you with that rope bridge, Ian. Sabetha has spotted the key frozen in the middle of a block of ice, Thumbelina style. It’s also surrounded by pipes.

While Ian is waxing lyrical about the four ‘dead’ warriors, Barbara has found the hot tap; she calls Ian over. She starts to turn it, is told to ‘steady on’ by Ian, who seems to have a fleeting peevish moment in which he thinks that it surely can’t be that simple because he’s the Science Teacher and he should have noticed…before getting over himself and telling her to ‘go on’. It’s actually pretty funny.

Then this happens:

SABETHA: But how could it be? Where could the heat come from?
BARBARA: It must be a volcanic spring, buried deep in the bowels of the earth. Like the hot springs in Iceland!
SABETHA: Iceland? Where's that?
(BARBARA hesitates and looks over at IAN.)
IAN: In our own country, far away.

I love this for two reasons: firstly, that it’s Barbara who answers the Science question by doing her ‘this alien thing reminds me of an Earth thing’ thing, and secondly that there’s this blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment of wistfulness between the two humans. Babs does a rather adorable thing which I as a Humanities person from a family full of Science people recognise from long years of trying to convince my nearest and dearest that I know things about Science, which is to put her ‘I know a thing LOOK I KNOW A THING you don’t understand I HAVE TAKEN ON BOARD AND REMEMBERED ONE OF THE MANY THINGS YOU’RE ALWAYS GEEKING OUT ABOUT’ body language all up in Ian’s face. Ian, however, continues to have a face like a slapped arse.

Anyway, the ice is melting, so Team Tassles decides to go and find a way of getting back over that chasm. Ian and Altos tie some giant icicles together (are they icicles?) and put them over the gap, while ‘the girls’ are sent to watch ice melt. If the key were in a meadow, they’d probably be sent to watch grass grow.

Back in the chamber, the warriors have all slumped over and the key is free from its ice block. Babs calls Ian and Altos, while Susan – displaying a morbid fascination we’ve not seen since she stuck a skull on a burning torch for fun in An Unearthly Child – starts fixating on how deadly-looking the warriors’ weapons look. She says she wouldn’t want to come across one of those in a battle…and OH EM EFF GEE one of the warriors appears to be waking up!

Susan screams and runs to Barbara for a cuddle; Sabetha stares transfixed; Ian and Altos arrive and wonder what the matter is, then see quite plainly what the matter is and tell them to get the fuck out of there and run, DUH. Babs and Susan don’t need telling twice. As the warrior nearest Sabetha raises its sword, Ian points out that if she’s got the key (which she has) she should also commence with the running, like, now. Then…TRIPPING! WOMAN FALLS OVER UNNECESSARILY WHILST RUNNING FROM PERIL KLAXON! Ian helps Sabetha up, and she scarpers as the warriors advance veeeeeeeeery slowly on Ian.

Meanwhile, out on the ledge, Sabetha, Barbara, and Altos are waiting silently for Ian’s return (too silently, if you ask me), while – unnoticed by any of them – brave, intrepid Susan ties the rope from the rope bridge around her wrist and starts crawling across the giant icicles. Careful, Susan!

Ian is trying to fight off a guy with an axe using an icicle. Outside, Babs notices what Susan’s doing, and Altos points out that their makeshift bridge is unlikely to have frozen solid yet and may not take her weight. As Susan inches her way across, one of the icicles rolls away, and she flattens herself against the remaining parts of the bridge looking grimly alarmed but determined.

Fun fact: the bridge did actually collapse at one point with Carole Ann Ford on it, so the concern is real.

Meanwhile, Ian has just made that dodgy archway collapse to block the path of the warriors. And now – HURRAH! Susan has made it to the other side and retied the rope bridge. The others hurry across. And oh no, the warriors have made it past Ian’s blockade! But oh yay Team Tassles including Ian is now across! Not a moment too soon, Ian, does a Vasor and unties the bridge again, just as one of the warriors is about to cross it. Said warrior goes plunging into the void with a drawn-out scream. Either because he’s never killed a humanoid during his adventures with the Doctor before, or because he’s having some sort of Nam-style flashback to Skaro and that time Antodus plunged to his death in an underground cavern whilst tied to Ian by a rope, or because that was really fucking close, Ian has an ‘I’m going to stand here looking mildly harrowed’ moment at the edge of the chasm before running off. Because character development. The other warriors dither about confusedly on the other side.

Back at the Cabin, Vasor is looking at all the shiny pretties he stole from Team Tassles. Enter Team Tassles, demanding their shit back. Vasor runs away, and everyone is about to turn their travel dials when Vasor comes running back in, screaming about the devils from the mountain. Those warriors sure are persistent!

Ian is surprisingly brutal about leaving Vasor to be murdered, telling him he’ll ‘have to entertain them alone’. I don’t dispute that the thieving, rapey, treacherous, cowardly shitbag deserves everything he gets, but it’s unusual for Ian to be this vindictive.

Vasor grabs Susan and tells them to stay or he’ll kill her. Susan yelps a bit at being grabbed, but then a seriously dark expression plays across her face as she calmly backs him towards the door while he’s still grabbing her. Vasor suddenly appears to be in agony…AND WITH GOOD REASON BECAUSE HE’S JUST BEEN STABBED THROUGH THE DOOR BY ONE OF THE WARRIORS’ SWORDS! And is dead. As everyone in Team Tassles turns their travel dials, the warriors break through the door into the room…and there’s nobody there to murder.

BUT WHERE ARE WE NOW? It would appear to be some sort of museum full of glass cases, on the floor of which a guard lies…dead? Enter Ian, who checks the guard is out for the count before moving to one of the cases and trying to open it. A black-gloved arm à la Midsomer Murders holding what looks like a potato appears in shot and hits Ian a glancing blow to the back; William Russell, trooper that he is, pretends he’s been bashed properly and swoons, falling next to a mace of some kind, which a black-gloved hand places in the grip of the unconscious Ian.

Now we see what was in the case - A MICRO KEY! The gloved hand breaks open the case and steals the key as alarm bells begin to ring.

TREACHERY AND INTRIGUE! WHAT THE FUCK HAS HAPPENED HERE? WHO IS FRAMING IAN AND WHY? WHERE WAS EVERYONE ELSE WHILE ALL THIS WAS HAPPENING? WILL THOSE WARRIORS NOW SET OFF ON FOOT ACROSS THE PLANET TO RESUME CHASING TEAM TASSLES? IS BARBARA OK?

Summary (as applicable to this episode)

Does it pass the Bechdel test? Yup.

Is the gaze problematic? Nope.

Is/are the woman companion(s) dressed 'for the Dads'? No. Altos, on the other hand...

Does a woman fall over/twist her ankle (whilst running from peril)? Yes!

Does a woman wander off alone for the sole dramatic purpose of getting into trouble so she can be rescued later? Nope.

Is/are the woman companion(s) captured? Not exactly.

Does the Doctor/a man companion/any other man have to rescue the woman companion(s) from peril? Yup.

Is a woman placed under threat of actual bodily harm? Yes

Is a woman threatened with sexual assault and is does anybody talk about it afterwards? Yes and no. Jesus.

Is/are the woman companion's/s' first/only reaction(s) to peril gratuitous screaming? No.

Does a woman companion go into hysterics over something reasonably minor? No.

Is a woman 'spared' the ordeal of having to do/witness something unpleasant by a man who makes a decision on her behalf/keeps her deliberately ignorant? No.

Does a man automatically disbelieve or belittle something a woman (companion) says happened to her? No.

Does a man talk over a woman or talk about a woman as though she isn't there? Not as far as I can recall.

Does the woman companion have to be calmed/comforted by the Doctor/a man companion/a man? Barbara and Sabetha are on 'Susan needs a cuddle' duty this week.

Is a woman the first/only person to be (most gratuitously) menaced by the episode's antagonist(s)? BARBARA.

Is a man shamed into doing/not doing something because the alternative is a woman doing/not doing something? No.

Does the woman companion come up with a plan? Barbara works out ow to melt the key out of the ice, but everyone's plans are pretty short-term this week.

Does the woman companion do something stupid/banal/weird which inspires a man to be a Man with a Plan? Nope.

Does a woman come up with a theory and is it ridiculed by the Doctor/a man? Yes and no. Barbara and the hot springs.

Does a woman call the Doctor out on his bullshit? The Doctor isn't here this week. Again.

Does a woman get to be a badass? Barbara gets to hit a guy with a poker and bite his hand, and Susan gets to be brave about the bridge and backs her captor into a sword, so that's pretty badass, but it hardly balances it out.

Is the young, strong, straight, white male lead the person most often in control of the situation? Yup.

Is there past/future/alien sexism? Vasor.

Does a 'present'-day character call anybody out on past/future/alien sexism? No.

Did a woman write/direct/produce this episode? No/No/Yes.

Verdict

I...really didn't like this episode. For obvious reasons. Susan flip-flopped between 'everything is overwhelmingly terrifying and a need a cuddle' and 'I am brave and a morbid badass', and as much as I enjoyed the latter, she's poorly served by writers who mostly don't know what to do with her. Barbara's sole function this week was to be a potential rape victim, which is fucking appalling. She's fierce and fighty, and remains strong as hell, but it doesn't negate the fact that the only other thing she does this entire episode is figure out where the hot tap is. Ian's characterisation is interesting this week, though. He spends the whole episode being inexplicably mardy and is utterly pitiless in his dealings with Vasor, even though he's apparently capable of feeling Feelings about having been responsible for the death of a supernatural frozen warrior that's trying to murder him. I think maybe the full fucked-upness of his adventures may finally be catching up with him. Sabetha and Altos continue to be pretty and unflappable. Next week, the Doctor is back, and it looks like we'll be giving the action a rest. Maybe they'll all be able to have a well-earned nap and take stock of their crazy lives.