Series 1 Episode 27: The Temple of Evil

Serial: The Aztecs
Episode: 1 (The Temple of Evil)
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companions: Barbara, Ian, and Susan

Writer: John Lucarotti
Director: John Crockett
Producer: Verity Lambert
Original Air Date: 23/05/1964

'HISTORY HAS TO BE MADE - BEFORE IT'S REMADE'* (and other stories)

*Brian Friel, Plays Two (London: Faber and Faber, 1999), p. 258

So my first ‘hmm’ moment of The Aztecs is the title of this episode. Evil is a strong word, after all. I mean, way to predispose your audience towards a certain moral standpoint. It’s odd for this writer, too, who had far less sensational, sci-fi titles for his previous serial. Plus it sounds way too much like Temple of Doom a.k.a. Indiana Jones and the Racist Caricatures for my liking.

Anyway, here we are in an Aztec tomb with John Lucarotti of Marco Polo fame. This is the guy who gave us Ping-Cho, so I’m optimistic. Also, I enjoy the camera-work of this opening (well, if you don’t count the very cute model Tardis dematerialising from Marinus) shot: we begin right up in the grill of the dead Aztec priest in his death-mask and gradually zoom out to reveal the Tardis and Barbara and Susan coming out of it. It’s not done from the point of view of the adventurers, but from the point of view of the occupant of the tomb; it’s an intrusion – all this was already here before Team Tardis disturbed it. This may just be a budget consideration, as I don’t think the Tardis set actually appears at all in this serial as far as I can remember, but it would be a far more colonial gaze if we followed the adventurers into the tomb in a spirit of ‘discovery’ rather than witnessing them disturb something quiet and – as the initial focus on the death mask would indicate – private.

Which brings me to my second ‘hmm’ moment: Barbara Wright, history teacher and expert on Aztec civilisation, is casually desecrating the tomb of one of its priests. I love how much of a nerd Barbara is (dating the mask around 1430, for instance), but have some respect for the dead.

Gif by The Watch-A-Thon of Rassilon

Anyway, Babs has put on a coiled serpent bracelet, while Morbid!Susan is having fun playing with a dagger and miming cutting someone’s heart out. Then this happens:

BARBARA: [Cutting out people’s hearts was] only one side to their nature. The other side was highly civilised.
SUSAN: Well, the Spanish didn’t think so.
BARBARA: Oh, they only saw the acts of sacrifice. That was the tragedy of the Aztecs. Their whole civilisation was completely destroyed, the good as well as the evil.

Third ‘hmm’ moment alert. Again related to the use of the word ‘evil’ and indeed the word ‘civilised’. You’ll never catch me arguing that human sacrifice is A-OK, but it’s problematic at the very least to infer that the wiping out of an entire culture was in some way down to…I dunno, hubris? Or to imply that a practice that is admittedly pretty horrifying is inherently ‘uncivilised’ just because it doesn’t fit twentieth-/twenty-first-century Western ideas of acceptable state-sponsored, religiously-motivated bloodshed; the Aztecs were an advanced society whose religious practices may have been gory in the extreme but were not acts of random bloodthirstiness and primitive savagery. The whole thing smacks of victim-blaming.

Anyway, a gleeful Susan is pointing out the ‘cartoons’ (*facepalm*) on the wall of the tomb, which then opens out like a catflap. Intrepid Babs immediately goes through it, and Susan, after warning her not to ‘go too far’ (what a loaded warning!), goes back to get the others from the Tardis. Wide-eyed History nerd Barbara looks around the stone chamber muttering about how ‘perfect’ it is…and is instantly apprehended by one of the many actors in this serial to portray an ancient Mexican with the aid of a lot of fake tan. He tells Barbara the temple is sacred to the memory of the High Priest Yetaxa, and that she’s trespassing and must be punished. Yikes. When he calls the guards to restrain her, however, he catches sight of the bracelet she robbed from the dead priest…

Back in the main tomb, the Doctor is being beautifully cantankerous about Barbara’s disappearing act.

I can’t actually recall an instance so far where the Doctor has explicitly told Babs not to wander off alone, so perhaps John Lucarotti is just assuming that other writers have given the Doctor the same personality he gave Marco ‘women who wander off should expect to be held at knifepoint by bandits’ Polo a couple of serials back. Also the humans are now 100% part of the Crew.

The rest of Team Tardis (feat. a freshly-laundered Ian) goes through the catflap, and they all admire their surroundings a bit. The Doctor seems to be a fan of the Aztecs, ‘gruesome habits’ aside. But OH NO they seem to have forgotten the rule whereby every episode for one reason or another they end up separated from the Tardis, because their musings are cut short by the catflap door swinging shut again. It is at this point that the Doctor appears to be a little too familiar with the occupational hazards of grave-robbing:

IAN: There’s nothing to get a grip on.
SUSAN: There must be some way of opening it.
DOCTOR: Yes. You push it from the other side. These tombs were designed to prevent grave-robbers, not to aid and abet them.

Why not wedge it open before going exploring, then, if you’re so knowledgeable, Doctor?

When you lock yourself out of your car...

Anyway, the guy who apprehended Barbara comes in at this point, welcoming Team Catflap as the Servants of Yetaxa. His name is Autloc, and he is the High Priest of Knowledge; Team Catflap is nonplussed, and Ian (of course) wants to know where Barbara is, but Autloc speaks only of the woman who wears Yetaxa’s bracelet; Susan interprets this correctly as a reference to Babs. Oh and the catflap is definitely a one-way affair. Bummer.

At this point, Susan rather insultingly recoils from the appearance of a guy with bad hair and a painted stripe across his mouth. As the Episode Guide of old will confirm (oh how I miss the irreverence of the Classic Who site) he also seems to be doing a Richard III thing with his posture. Illuminatingly, according to the transcript, his robes are spattered with blood, though I must say I never noticed this – where’s colour tv when you need it? Anyway, if he is indeed rocking the blood-spattered look, Ian’s sneery comment makes a lot more sense than I had previously thought.

Though I will never not appreciate the Doctor’s sass at this point, it’s still pretty insulting as it turns out the scary-looking fella they've dismissed as 'the local butcher' is the High Priest of Sacrifice, whose name is Tlotoxl.

And this is where it gets really interesting, because the conversation Tlotoxl subsequently has with Autloc (who is a cutie and holds a bunch of flowers throughout this entire exchange for reasons best known to people whose knowledge of Aztec culture extends beyond the chocolatl exhibit at Cadbury World) is pretty-much a damning indictment of organised religion as an instrument of state control. Autloc has forecast rain later that afternoon, and Tlotoxl wants to a) present Yetaxa (Barbara) to the people and b) perform a sacrifice to the Rain God at that exact moment, essentially to re-establish the power of the priesthood over the populace. Autloc, however, insists that it will rain whether or not Tlotoxl sacrifices anybody to said Rain God.

(Fun fact: according to Wikipedia - which is my main source of information on Aztec culture because I’m a lazy bastard - the Aztec rain God was called Tlaloc, and every year there was a festival in which flower-adorned children had their hearts pulled out on mountaintop shrines by way of sacrifice; if they cried on the way to the shrine, it meant there would be abundant rain. No prizes for guessing which time-travelling dysfunctional space family would not have been ok with this.)

This is fascinating stuff, as Tlotoxl is explicitly in it for the power, and is quite calculatedly manipulating the populace with the help of a little meteorological foresight. It’s a deliberate abuse of his authority, and plays right into my pet theory that 1960s Classic Who is Marxist as all fuck.

En attendant Babs, Susan is optimistic about their good treatment so far; the Doctor is a party pooper and says the Aztecs were always super nice to people they later intended to cut open. They’re taken into a room where they find MAGNIFICENT BABS enthroned in splendour being imperious as fuck.

Babs explains how the Aztecs think she’s a reincarnation of the priest in the tomb on account of the bracelet she stole. I would facepalm at the White Person Is Mistaken For A God trope but for the fact that the Bling’s the Thing, as Babs explains to Susan in what I’m going to claim is a high point in the gender politics of the show just to cheer myself up:

SUSAN: But the priest in the tomb’s a man. How can you be a reincarnation of him?
BARBARA: The form the spirit takes isn’t important, Susan. This (indicates the bracelet) is what’s important.

Also, wonders will never cease, because for once it’s the Doctor correcting Ian about someone’s name. The fuzzy feeling doesn’t last, though, because Ian and the Doctor are rather unflatteringly amused at being mistaken for Barbara’s servants. Babs is ever practical: it’ll be dead useful keeping up the charade if only because they can all get back into the tomb any time they want, get into the Tardis, and leave. Once Barbara is stripped of this illusion, the Doctor goes on to Doctorsplain the situation to Aztec expert Barbara: she can’t ask anyone how to open the door because she’s supposed to know everything and if the priests figure out she’s a fake then they’ll all die. No pressure, Babs.

(Fun Fact No. 2…according to Wikipedia again, obv.: god-impersonators were real, and once someone had gone around pretending to be a god for a bit (my favourite example of god-impersonation involves a man spending a year wandering about smoking a pipe, playing the flute, and sniffing flowers), they’d be sacrificed. But maybe Babs has forgotten this.)

Enter Autloc and Tlotoxl, and ooh congrats on your Wikipedia-accurate research, Mr. Lucarotti, because they are indeed intending to honour Tlaloc in a time of drought…but without the child sacrifice, apparently. I’d like to think this was because the Beeb was responsible and didn’t want to do a total hatchet-job and make out that the Aztecs were all about murdering small children and conjuring rain from their tears in what was meant to be an educational show, but it was probably just because there are limits to what can be shown on the telly at tea-time. Anyway, the priests want Yetaxa’s servants to wander among the people, and the Doctor, ever quick on the uptake, is vocally enthusiastic about the idea; Barbara agrees as long as Susan can stay behind. Maybe Babs has remembered the bit about child sacrifice and wants Susan where she can see her.

Adorable Background Acting

Once Team Tardis is alone, the Doctor congratulates Jacqueline Hill Barbara on her performance and enthuses about how ‘they’ have all got what ‘they’ want: the women safe in the temple and the men free to roam outside finding about the tomb. FUCKSAKE DOCTOR.

Outside the temple, Tlotoxl, for reasons best known to himself, reckons they should send Ian off to lead the military. Presumably he wants Ixta, the current leader, to prove himself against the servant of Yetaxa. Or the production team needed an excuse to shoehorn Ian into a few action scenes so they could splash out on some warrior costumes. William Hartnell and William Russell appear to be rehearsing their lines in the background. The Doctor tries to bluff Ian out of being drafted into the military, but Ian, for reasons best known to himself, rolls with it.

Meanwhile, in the barracks, the aforementioned Ixta is swiping at the air with a club like he thinks the place is swarming with Nargles. Tlotoxl brings Ian in, and the homoerotic subtext is palpable. I’m not even kidding. Or maybe I’m just reading too much into Ixta’s unfortunate tendency towards double entendre: after having proven how great he is at fighting by swiping at a random opponent for a bit before smashing a perfectly good shield that’s lying on the table, Ixta tells Ian ‘there is no fear of you in me’. Oh line delivery. Oh Ixta. Just you wait until Ian starts talking about what he can do with his thumb next episode. At any rate, Ixta is definitely the new Marco. Also, Ian’s going to have to help him deliver the human sacrifice to the temple. How morally compromising.

Elsewhere, the Doctor is being put out to pasture. Or rather he’s being left to wander in a garden for the over fifties. He chats up a woman called Cameca who’s apparently the wisest of the OAPs by being snarky about the fact that they can still water the flowers in the middle of a drought; Cameca says ‘better go hungry than starve for beauty’; Cameca may need to rethink her priorities. She tells him about the guy who built the temple and its gardens; when the Doctor asks whether said guy comes to the garden often, Cameca says ‘he watches over it constantly’. Then this happens:

Less a gardener, it turns out, than...y'know...dead. Oh Doctor. Never change. Anyway, the architect may be dead, but his son is alive, and Cameca can arrange a meeting. Dead on.

Enter Ian, dressed as an Eagle Warrior, and in something of a tizzy. The Doctor is temporarily distracted by how intelligent and gentle Cameca is, but Ian brings him back to earth with a bump when he tells him about the human sacrifice that’s to happen later that day:

IAN: I must escort the victim to the altar, hold him down…Doctor, I c –
DOCTOR: Then do it man, do it! But don’t interfere! Otherwise we –
IAN: But –
DOCTOR: There’s no buts about it! If human sacrifice is essential here and it’s their tradition, then let them get on with it. But for our sakes, don’t interfere! Now promise me. Please promise!
(IAN doesn’t reply.)
DOCTOR: I’ll go and tell Barbara.

Well what a fascinating and heated little exchange. Also quite a moment for Ian, who gets to show a new emotion for a change. The closest we’ve seen him to this state was when he thought he’d become a full-time paraplegic in The Daleks – his voice is shaking, he’s panicky, and he’s clearly very upset about the prospect of being complicit in a human sacrifice. This might be the first time Ian’s (almost) said ‘I can’t do it’ rather than ‘I won’t do it’. Character development wins. Even more interesting is the Doctor’s attitude, which is essentially ‘live and let live’ (or should that be ‘live and let die’?), urging Ian not to interfere as much out of respect for Aztec culture as out of a desire for self-preservation. It’s a very different attitude to his later incarnations, who would absolutely have intervened; this Doctor has an almost ruthless respect for history that gradually wears off the longer he travels with humans, it would seem.

Back in the temple, Barbara and Susan are being adorkable, pretending to be at Ascot whilst wearing Babs’s magnificent headdress, and musing over ‘beauty and horror developing hand in hand’ like it’s something that doesn’t happen in Western civilisation.

Enter the Doctor for some iconic dialogue. He tells Barbara about the impending sacrifice and urges her not to interfere, even lying through his teeth and claiming that Ian agrees with him. He should know better than to try to play the Ian card with Barbara ‘I don’t always have to agree with Ian so up yours’ Wright. Ian may be a warrior, but Babs is a goddess, and she has the power to stop it, and says so:

BARBARA: Well, they’ve made me a goddess - and I forbid it.
DOCTOR: Barbara, No!
BARBARA: (picking up the headdress) There’ll be no sacrifice this afternoon, Doctor. Or ever again. The reincarnation of Yetaxa will prove to the people that you don’t need to sacrifice a human being in order to make it rain.
DOCTOR: Barbara, no…
BARBARA: It’s no good, Doctor. My mind’s made up. This is the beginning of the end of the sun god.
DOCTOR: What are you talking about?
BARBARA: Oh, don’t you see? If I could start the destruction of everything that’s evil here…then everything that is good would survive when Cortez lands.
DOCTOR: But you can’t rewrite history - not one line!

Wow, Barbara. Just wow. On so many levels. What kind of insane top-down model of history and/or government do you subscribe to that makes you think you can dismantle the core religious beliefs of an entire civilisation by making decrees from on high? What fascist nonsense is this? Also are you so naïve that you believe that Cortez only went on a colonial rampage because of deep moral outrage? Having said all this, I love that Barbara as a character is allowed to be this horrendously flawed, and that we see the idea that ‘absolute power corrupts absolutely’ in action. Interestingly, as I found out today, this remark was made by one John Dalberg-Acton at a time when he was protesting against the formalisation of papal infallibility at the time of Vatican I. Which turns out to be very relevant to the context of religious authority having gone spectacularly to Barbara’s head. Also it’s amazing to think how far, say, Ten is from One: where the former has to be told by River Song that he can’t rewrite time – ‘not one line’ – the latter tells Barbara in a thoroughly iconic moment that she can’t rewrite ‘one line’ of history. It’s utterly fascinating stuff. Also also, I have come to the conclusion that this serial can be summarised in much the same way Harry Potter can be summarised:

Still more fascinating is the idea that the Doctor has had some previous experience with trying to rewrite history, which presumably went very badly wrong or which proved to be beyond the Doctor’s own powers. And I’d love to know more about that, especially as the Doctor speaks to Barbara not in a paternalistic manner at this point but as an equal – someone with whom he has shared a similar experience and in whom he recognises himself. Ultimately, despite the Doctor’s vehement exhortations, Barbara chooses to abandon her own identity and speak and act as Yetaxa. I wonder whether this reminds the Doctor of the time he chose to leave his name behind, too. I think Barbara would have been a lot like the Doctor had she been a Time Lady.

SACRIFICE TIME! And you have to admire the flexibility of the actor whose back is bent over the altar like that. Barbara catches Ian’s eye. A confused and upset Susan cuddles the Doctor back in the temple, and he tells her she has to stay here. Autloc presents Babrara to the people; she catches Ian’s eye again; the people give a brief cheer. Ian and Ixta hold down the sacrifice, and Tlotoxl (oh it really is quite off how the High Priest of Sacrifice is portrayed as a bloodthirsty schemer) starts doing his thing. Also the camera operator trips a bit whilst zooming in, which is hysterical. When he gets to the bit about honouring Tlaloc with blood, Susan yells ‘NO!’ and runs out of the temple, just as Babs cries ‘STOP!’ and proclaims that there shall be no more blood spilt. The sacrifice tells her he has denied her honour, and Tlotoxl tells him to honour them with his death; the sacrifice jumps off the pyramid. CUE RAIN!

Barbara…Barbara stop. You’ve been outplayed and now you’re splitting hairs. You simply cannot disprove the death/rain thing with one death-by-not-stabbing.

And UH-OH, now Tlotoxl is out for Susan’s hide. He asks Babs whether she speaks as the protector of a handmaiden or as a god; when Babs answers the latter (without hesitation – yikes), Tlotoxl insists that Susan be punished for desecrating holy ground and transgressing the law. Barbara insists that an offence committed in ignorance ought not to be punished, and suggests instead that Susan ‘be taught respect for your customs’. Admirable espousal of rehabilitation over retribution, Babs, but maybe you ought to practise what you preach. Susan is sent…to a seminary!? Yikes.

Autloc (who is a bit squeamish, I think) seems relieved and happily proclaims that the great spirit of Yetaxa has spoken. Tlotoxl, however, is now convinced that Babs is a FALSE GODDESS, and vows to DESTROY HER.

HOLY CULTURAL CLUSTERFUCK WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? WILL BARBARA MANAGE TO KEEP UP THIS CHARADE WITHOUT OFFENDING ANYBODY ELSE? WILL SUSAN BE OK NOW SHE’S ESSENTIALLY BEEN TOLD ‘GET THEE TO A NUNNERY’? WILL THE DOCTOR MANAGE TO TALK SOME SENSE INTO OUR NEWLY POWER-CRAZED HISTORY TEACHER? WILL IAN CRACK A SMILE?

Summary (as applicable to this episode)

Does it pass the Bechdel test? Certainly does.

Is the gaze problematic? Nope.

Is/are the woman companion(s) dressed 'for the Dads'? No.

Does a woman fall over/twist her ankle (whilst running from peril)? No.

Does a woman wander off alone for the sole dramatic purpose of getting into trouble so she can be rescued later? Not so she can be rescued, no, but the whole story does happen because Barbara wandered off against the Doctor's express wishes.

Is/are the woman companion(s) captured? Captured. And then deified.

Does the Doctor/a man companion/any other man have to rescue the woman companion(s) from peril? No.

Is a woman placed under threat of actual bodily harm? Yes. Tlotoxl suggests respect be beaten into Susan.

Is/are the woman companion's/s' first/only reaction(s) to peril gratuitous screaming? No.

Does a woman companion go into hysterics over something reasonably minor? No.

Is a woman 'spared' the ordeal of having to do/witness something unpleasant by a man who makes a decision on her behalf/keeps her deliberately ignorant? Yes. And had the Doctor told Susan there was a human sacrifice going on and under no circumstances to interfere, she wouldn't have yelled out in horror and been sent to a nunnery.

Does a man automatically disbelieve or belittle something a woman (companion) says happened to her? No.

Does a man talk over a woman or talk about a woman as though she isn't there? Not that I can recall.

Does the woman companion have to be calmed/comforted by the Doctor/a man companion/a man? Susan has to cuddle Ian when she finds Tlotoxl scary.

Is a woman the first/only person to be (most gratuitously) menaced by the episode's antagonist(s)? I'd say so, yes. Tlotoxl does say he's going to destroy False Goddess Babs.

Is a man shamed into doing/not doing something because the alternative is a woman doing/not doing something? No.

Does the woman companion come up with a plan? Babs and the Doctor both.

Does the woman companion do something stupid/banal/weird which inspires a man to be a Man with a Plan? No.

Does a woman come up with a theory and is it ridiculed by the Doctor/a man? Absolutely. Though in this case, deservedly so, because trying to outlaw human sacrifice in one day is mental.

Does a woman call the Doctor out on his bullshit? Nope. But the Doctor calls Barbara out on hers.

Does a woman get to be a badass? A problematic badass.

Is the young, strong, straight, white male lead the person most often in control of the situation? Barbara is the one with the most actual power in this episode, but has to be lectured by the Doctor on how not to abuse it. I will say that this is more 'hey I'm a Time Lord I know how this goes and you're a human and this is your first temptation' than 'hey I'm a man and you're a woman who doesn't know what she's doing', but still.

Is there past/future/alien sexism? Aztecs don't care about gender when it comes to reincarnations of dead priests. The bling's the thing.

Does a 'present'-day character call anybody out on past/future/alien sexism? Not really applicable.

Does an past/future/alien person have the hots for a woman companion and is it reciprocated? No, but I think Ixta may have a thing for Ian.

Did a woman write/direct/produce this episode? No/No/Yes.

Verdict

Problematic. Fascinating. But problematic. Barbara has gone power mad in an effort to save the Aztecs, which would be less objectionable if it weren't for the fact that she seems to believe that the Aztecs were wiped out because of their own moral failings; the strong implication is that she's trying to 'save them from themselves'. Some iconic Doctor dialogue, and I'm genuinely enjoying the debate on history and non-interference so far. I'm also enjoying the vaguely Marxist angle on religion as a means of manipulating the proles, but I would enjoy it more were it not for the fact that it's Tlotoxl who is presented as a manipulative butcher who enjoys power and killing for it; it would be a far more interesting and far less uncomfortable situation if it were the High Priest of Knowledge who were a bloodthirsty fanatic and the High Priest of Sacrifice who were the gentle sceptic. In terms of the gender politics of the episode, I'm glad this is Barbara-centric and they didn't go with Ian because of the dead priest being a man; she is, after all, the perfect character to be having this fucked up storyline. 

Series 1 Episode 26: The Keys of Marinus

Serial: The Keys of Marinus
Episode: 6 (The Keys of Marinus)
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companions: Barbara, Ian, and Susan

Writer: Terry Nation
Director: John Gorrie
Producer: Verity Lambert
Original Air Date: 16/05/1964

DOCTOR WHODUNNIT (and other stories)

In which Team Babs heads a Detective Show subplot, Susan gets her Space Family back, a potentially problematic plot-twist occurs, and the the leader of the Voord(s) is really shit at disguises.

So Susan’s been kidnapped and is in danger of being murdered in the near future. Sabetha is all for running to tell the Doctor, but Babs – rather ruthlessly, actually – insists that they find Susan themselves so the Doctor can keep his mind on getting Ian off his murder charge. Now that’s interesting: Barbara was complicit in a ‘let’s not tell the Doctor his granddaughter is missing presumed imperilled’ situation during a sandstorm in Marco Polo, but this is far more calculating, and much more like that time towards the end of The Edge of Destruction where the Doctor deliberately kept Barbara and Susan out of the loop so they wouldn’t have a womanly freakout over the fact that they only had five minutes to live. For all her protectiveness towards Susan, it seems Babs is prioritising Ian. Apparently she’s learning from the Doctor as much as he’s learning from her.

Meanwhile, Ian has ‘until the point reaches the star’ to live. And will not be allowed to see his friends before he dies. Bummer.

Back in the corridors, Babs has had a brainwave: go and pay Kala a visit and ask her about anyone her husband was meeting frequently in the hopes that it will lead them to Aydan’s accomplice in the murder, who is also probably the kidnapper. Altos thinks it’s a great idea, seeing as wives who get knocked about by their husbands are always happy to help put away their murderers; Sabetha isn’t so sure.

Anyway, Team Babs goes to Kala’s apartment to ask her a few questions, but Kala pleads ignorance and insists tearfully that they leave her to the memory of her husband’s crimes. Barbara tries playing the ‘you’re our only help’ card, but Kala is now sobbing, and it would appear that Barbara’s newfound willingness to risk the emotional wellbeing of others for the sake of her friends has its limits. Kala appreciates they must’ve been sick with worry since Susan called but refuses flat out to help, and a crestfallen Babs leads her team out of the apartment. As she does, she pauses beside Kala and reaches out as if to comfort her but only succeeds in brushing her arm, apologising again and telling her ‘we had to try’.

It’s a really interesting moment, because of course Barbara heard Aydan hitting Kala whilst listening at the door last episode, so her apology is only half an ‘I’m sorry your husband got murdered’ kind of apology. Indeed, it’s also an ‘I’m sorry I heard you getting smacked and didn’t do anything about it’ kind of apology. And is pretty inadequate, actually.

But OH WHAT’S THIS!? Kala’s sobbing has become EVIL SMIRKING! AND she’s doing…THE EVIL VOICE!

Well this is a twist! Turns out it woz the battered wife wot dunnit. She slides open a side door to reveal poor Susan, bound and gagged and…DEFINITELY within earshot of the other room. There’s no way she wouldn’t have heard Team Babs come a-calling, and there’s no way they wouldn’t have heard her scream. But that’s just a budget thing, I suppose. Anyway, Kala gloats a bit at how Team Babs is ‘like all the rest of them – stupid’, before the phone starts to ring. It’s Eyesen, and he’s on speakerphone:

EYESEN: The trial has just ended. Chesterton is to be executed at the beginning of the next zenith.
KALA: Good. The old man didn't say where the key was hidden?
EYESEN: No. I'm certain he doesn't know. I'll get it later then come for you. Be ready.
KALA: I will. What about the child?
EYESEN: She's no more use. Now she can identify you, now. Kill her.

SHIT.

Ok, now that all has been revealed, I’m going to talk a bit about the domestic violence subplot. On the one hand, I find it rather disturbing that the fact that Aydan hits Kala is used as a means of facilitating a plot twist. We’re meant to feel sorry for her and see her primarily as a victim, so that when eventually she is revealed to be a murderer and a kidnapper and in league with Eyesen (and does her Evil Voice), it’s more of a big reveal. On the other hand, it makes Kala a far more complex character, insofar as we can understand how she might have found herself embroiled in the plot to steal the micro-key and willing to murder her own husband not purely out of greed but also as an act of revenge for having been made to suffer at Aydan’s hands. It doesn’t excuse her threatening to kill Susan and hanging the rest of Team Tardis out to dry, but it does mean that, as one of the baddies, she’s far from a cardboard cutout. Of course the real villain of the piece is Eyesen, who has clearly taken advantage of a woman who has no qualms about sacrificing her bellend of a husband for a new life with a new man and untold riches.

Back out in the corridors, a dejected Babs is regretting not having told the Doctor in the first place, and what’s more will never forgive herself if anything happens to Susan. Sabetha tells Babs it was a terrible choice (to have been forced to make, I assume), especially as Susan sounded so afraid and all. Rub it in, Sabetha. But then - HOLY MORSE!!

It seems Sabetha’s done a Lewis and her throwaway comment has caused Barbara ‘Endeavour’ Wright to have a lightbulb moment: Kala couldn’t have known about Susan’s phonecall, so how was she able to commiserate with Team Babs over how worried they must have been since they spoke to Susan? Truly Barbara is shaping up to be an excellent TV Detective. They zoom off back to Kala’s place, looking delighted with themselves.

And not a moment too soon! For Kala is about to shoot Susan with that potato blaster. As she gloats over her intended victim, Team Babs sneaks up behind her and grabs her; Altos and Sabetha drag her away while Babs unties Susan. Cuddles are needed. Obv.

Meanwhile, outside the courtroom, the Doctor is sitting on a bench looking crestfallen. Eyesen shakes his hand and displays a little faux magnanimity while the Security Desk Guy locks the exhibits from the trial (including the mace) in a cupboard. Tarron tells the Doctor he needs to leave; the Doctor, however, says he can’t leave and must gather new evidence. That he’s got to a stage in his relationship with the two humans where he’s putting Ian’s life ahead of his desire to get the hell out of dodge shows real character development on his part, and it’s lovely. As we saw from the happy reunion of Team Tardis in the previous episode, they’re starting to feel like a family now, and there’s no longer any question of anyone (or at least anyone in the Original Four) being left behind.

The phone rings, and it’s Barbara wanting to speak to Tarron. She tells him Kala dunnit and why doesn’t he come and get her? Barbara out.

Later, Babs is explaining how they knew it was Kala wot dunnit, and Susan is way too excited about the way Team Babs jumped Kala from behind considering she was a witness to the slapping incident. One day I will compile a list of Susan’s likes/dislikes, and among the likes will be ‘flaming skulls’, ‘playing dead’, and ‘a good stealth attack’.

Babs apologises to the Doctor and says she had no right to risk Susan’s life like that. ‘Perhaps not,’ says the Doctor, but ‘the child is safe and well’ at any rate. And anyway, he’s more worried about Ian right now. Wonders will never cease.

Also, bad news on the Ian front: Kala’s named Ian as her accomplice! LIES! Even Tarron is beginning to think something’s not right here, though mostly he thinks Kala is ‘a vicious, dangerous woman’. Ugh.

Anyway, they’ve still got no proof, but Susan has some useful info: there was definitely a third party involved seeing as how she heard Eyesen (whose voice she doesn’t recognise) telling Kala to kill her, and what’s more he’s picking up the key tonight. The Doctor starts cackling like a madman – they can catch him red-handed and RELEASE HIS NEW SPACE BRO! MANIACAL LAUGHTER!

After a brief interlude in which Ian watches the clock a bit, we find ourselves back at the Security Desk at night. A cloaked figure takes the mace from the cupboard, and is immediately apprehended by the other guards. The Doctor flicks the light on and Scooby Doos Eyesen’s hood off.

And now Ian’s out of jail! And for an encore, the Doctor is opening up the mace to reveal the micro-key hidden inside it! Kala and Eyesen have fessed up, and Tarron now realises Ian happened to walk into the middle of the robbery by accident, only he looked so guilty Tarron never doubted that Ian dunnit. The Doctor sasses him with some Greek philosophy and claims to have met Pyrrho into the bargain. Such a namedropper.

Susan is on a high and actually yells WHOOPEEEEE as she gives Barbara a victory cuddle. I have to say these two have been generally adorable for this whole serial.

Anyway, Susan’s space family is back together, and they’re all off to join Altos and Sabetha, who have gone ahead to Arbitan’s gaff. The Doctor gets authorisation to take the final key back to Arbitan, and Ian gets his travel dial back. Team Tardis takes great delight in trolling Tarron and Larn as they turn their travel dials; the Doctor in particular takes great delight in telling the guards ‘goodbye, my friends’, before popping into the ether by way of a mic-drop. The guards agree to keep the crazy to themselves.

Back at the pyramid, Altos is being interrogated by Yartek, the leader of the Voord (Voords?), who is wearing Arbitan’s robes. Altos just wants to know where Sabetha is. When Sabetha is brought in, she tells Yartek to let Altos go as he’s only a servant and she’s defo not in love with him or anything. Yartek calls her bluff, and of course she stays his hand; advantage Yartek. The pesky Voord tells Sabetha he reckons Altos is defo in love with her and will totes tell him where the final key is; Sabetha says the man who loves her will never betray her; Yartek threatens to kill Sabetha; Altos tells Yartek the Doctor has the key. Fucksake, Altos. Also, when exactly are they supposed to have fallen in love?

Meanwhile, there’s some comedy gold from the Doctor and Ian who bump into each other in a corridor. Susan and Babs are amused. Apparently Arbitan kept his promise and lifted the forcefield from around the Tardis…as he lay dying!? I dunno. I don’t care. They have a ride home, anyway. Then this happens:

(Gifs by cleowho.)

DARLINGS.

Anyway, they’re all a bit worried about Sabetha and Altos, and with good reason, because they’ve been put in a cell somewhere. Yartek puts four keys into the machine.

ONE DAY MORE…

Back in the corridors, Team Tardis hears something a-stirring. Ian goes on ahead while the Doctor gets ready to bludgeon whatever it is with his walking stick. Sure enough a sneaky Voord creeps up and is about to stick the business end of a dagger into Ian’s back when the Doctor strikes. Well done, team.

They all chuckle at how great they are and the Doctor suggests that a pyramid full of stabby scuba-divers is a sure sign that they should all really be getting the fuck out of here. Babs points out that Sabetha and Altos are still missing, and Susan backs her up; the Doctor pulls a ‘being a better person is HARD’ face, and Ian resignedly suggests they split up. He and Susan go to find Arbitan, with strict instructions from the Doctor not to hand over the final key unless everything is transparently OK, while the Doctor and Babs go in search of Sabetha and Altos. Barbara picks up the Voord’s dagger, suggesting she and the Doctor ought to take it with them just in case; the Doctor fervently agrees. Bonding over mutual pragmatism for the win.

Meanwhile, Sabetha and Altos are being filmed poorly through the bars of their cells. And they’re in love. Nobody cares.

Back in the conscience room, Ian and Susan have found ‘Arbitan’, who is very obviously Yartek wearing a hood. Then this happens.

DYING.

Ludicrously, it’s only when Yartek, in a bid to be more convincing, fakes fatherly concern for Sabetha asks Ian whether Altos is good enough for his daughter that they begin to smell a rat, seeing as how the real Arbitan knew Altos pretty well. Ian seems pretty happy to hand over the key, however, though Susan clearly wonders what the hell he’s doing seeing as how that’s clearly not the real Arbitan. Be more assertive, Susan! Anyway, they go off to find the Doctor, and Yartek, alone at last, removes his hood with a flourish…or at least tries to but is impeded by the shape of his own head.

Back in the corridor, Susan wants to know why Ian gave the key to the obvious impostor. Before he can answer, however, Babs drags them away to where Altos and Sabetha are. They’ve updated the Doctor and Babs on the Arbitan-is-dead situation, and the Doctor is pretty agitated about the fact that if all the keys end up in the machine, Yartek’s power will be ‘absolute’ and the machine will wipe out any impulse they have to leave in the Tardis.

The Doctor is also pretty pissed off at Ian for having given Yartek the key, and it’s only at this moment that Mr. Smuggity Smugpants McSmug Chesterton chooses to reveal that he actually gave Yartek the fake key they found on the idol in the jungle a few episodes back. Keep it to yourself, why don’t you, Ian.

The Doctor is delighted at his tricksy Space Bro’s tricksiness, but Sabetha looks alarmed and tells them they all need to get out of the building PRONTO because the false key will cause the machine to blow up. Altos can’t even get to the end of his sentence (or maybe Billy was just too keen with his lines) before the Doctor is yelling for them to get the hell out of there.

As they try to find the door, a very excellent Voord shadow appears at the end of the corridor. Said Voord, rather than stabbing everyone, reports back to Yartek, who reckons there’s no point chasing after them seeing as the machine will be controlling everyone soon anyway. He puts the final key in the machine…AND IT BLOWS UP! The explosion seems to trigger the swivelly door and Team Tassles is out of there.

Back at the Tardis, it seems everything is in working order. The Doctor takes Sabetha aside, tells her he’s sorry about her dad being dead and everything, and also that machines that control people are a really shit idea so maybe steer clear of that sort of thing when carrying on Arbitan’s research. Intriguingly, the Doctor claims to know how Sabetha felt when her father died, which Sabetha interprets as knowing how it feels to have one’s life’s work destroyed. Either way, interesting. Also I cannot BELIEVE they had a serial with a machine that removes free will in it and they just tacked on a bit at the end where the Doctor goes ‘nah that’s problematic’ and leaves.

Susan asks Sabetha and Altos what their plans are; they’re going to start over in Millennius; the Doctor calls Susan in to stop her being a massive cockblock and she hugs them and bids them farewell. Then it’s kisses from Babs and handshakes from Ian. Also the Doctor gets to keep the micro-key, so that’s presumably still in the Tardis somewhere. Barbara tells Altos to take care of her girl Sabetha and the two of them walk off holding hands. Babs looks after them wistfully. Then this happens.

Well aren’t you two just the cutest. Also it’s interesting that this is the first time Barbara says she’ll miss a one-serial character, and it's not just because she, Altos, and Sabetha were quite the team back on Millennius. Remember, she and Ganatus had a bit of a thing on Skaro, but back then Barbara hadn't even begun to think about what it really means to be a wanderer in the fourth dimension. Certainly on Skaro she was still living the extended nightmare of having been kidnapped by aliens. This time, however, it would appear that Barbara has begun to accept her new lifestyle for what it is, and like Susan is having to deal with the reality of saying goodbye to people she knows in her heart of hearts she will never see again. It's a major bit of character development but done with the lightest of touches. And when Ian says 'come on, Barbara', he really means 'let's go home'. And as Barbara says in Marco Polo, 'the Tardis is the only home we have at the moment'. Lovely stuff.

The two teachers disappear inside their strange new home from home, and the teeny toy Tardis dematerialises.

AND THAT’S THE LAST WE’LL EVER SEE OF MARINUS! WHERE WILL TEAM TARDIS BE TAKEN NEXT? WILL THEY HAVE A CHANCE TO DO THEIR LAUNDRY? HOW IS IAN NOT RIPE AS HELL HAVING NOT CHANGED OUT OF THAT SILK JACKET SINCE THE LATE THIRTEENTH CENTURY? IS THERE ANY WAY THE UPCOMING SERIAL ABOUT THE AZTECS WILL NOT MAKE ME WANT TO BLUDGEON MYSELF TO DEATH WITH A BOOK ON POSTCOLONIALISM?

Summary (as applicable to this episode)

Does it pass the Bechdel test? Yup.

Is the gaze problematic? Nope.

Is/are the woman companion(s) dressed 'for the Dads'? No. Altos, on the other hand...

Does a woman fall over/twist her ankle (whilst running from peril)? No.

Does a woman wander off alone for the sole dramatic purpose of getting into trouble so she can be rescued later? No.

Is/are the woman companion(s) captured? Yup. Sabetha. But so is Altos. Also Susan is still captured at the beginning of this.

Does the Doctor/a man companion/any other man have to rescue the woman companion(s) from peril? TEAM BABS TO THE RESCUE.

Is a woman placed under threat of actual bodily harm? Yes.

Is/are the woman companion's/s' first/only reaction(s) to peril gratuitous screaming? No.

Does a woman companion go into hysterics over something reasonably minor? No.

Is a woman 'spared' the ordeal of having to do/witness something unpleasant by a man who makes a decision on her behalf/keeps her deliberately ignorant? In a surprising turn of events, it's Babs keeping the Doctor in the dark this week.

Does a man automatically disbelieve or belittle something a woman (companion) says happened to her? No.

Does a man talk over a woman or talk about a woman as though she isn't there? Not as far as I can recall.

Does the woman companion have to be calmed/comforted by the Doctor/a man companion/a man? Barbara is still on cuddlewatch.

Is a woman the first/only person to be (most gratuitously) menaced by the episode's antagonist(s)? Ian and Susan are both in danger of being murdered.

Is a man shamed into doing/not doing something because the alternative is a woman doing/not doing something? No.

Does the woman companion come up with a plan? Babs has a few brainwaves but it's Ian with the key plan.

Does the woman companion do something stupid/banal/weird which inspires a man to be a Man with a Plan? Sabetha inspires Babs.

Does a woman come up with a theory and is it ridiculed by the Doctor/a man? Yes and no.

Does a woman call the Doctor out on his bullshit? Nope.

Does a woman get to be a badass? I think Babs's detective work is pretty badass.

Is the young, strong, straight, white male lead the person most often in control of the situation? Not as such, but Ian starts running the show once he's out of jail.

Is there past/future/alien sexism? A bit.

Does a 'present'-day character call anybody out on past/future/alien sexism? Not so much.

Does an past/future/alien person have the hots for a woman companion and is it reciprocated? Wasn't feeling the Security Desk Guy thing this week.

Did a woman write/direct/produce this episode? No/No/Yes.

Verdict

Well, that was a bit of a romp. Excellent character development from the Doctor again, and lovely to see Team Tardis in full Dysfunctional Space Family Mode. Susan and Babs in particular warmed the cockles of my heart, and obviously any time Susan displays unguarded affection towards her human space parents, it's ludicrously poignant. She must have been the loneliest child for the longest time. Or there's a horrible, horrible parent-related backstory in which her parents (one of whom is also the Doctor's son/daughter) are dead and she's basically Harry Potter...IN SPAAAAAAAAACE. Thinking about Susan's possible backstory always ends in Sad Thoughts. Speaking of Susan, she gets the shit end of the stick as far as being captured goes, but gets some lovely moments when she's not being kidnapped. Team Babs (Barbara + Sabetha + Altos) was wonderful, and it was interesting to see some reversals on the 'keeping people out of the loop' and 'that throwaway comment has given me an idea' tropes. Ian didn't have much to do this week except watch the clock, but he made up for it by being insufferably smug about the whole fake key thing. The Doctor was glorious. Sabetha and Altos didn't really need the random falling-for-each-other plot, but they're mostly inoffensive, and it was interesting to see the moment when Barbara's new lifestyle caught up with her and she realised she'd probably never see them again. The domestic violence subplot was, as I said, a tricky one to navigate, as on the one hand it seemed like an effort to subvert our natural sympathies towards victims of domestic abuse (which is gross) but on the other hand seemed calculated to make Kala less of a straight-up villian and more of a troubled woman who channels her suffering into viciousness towards others in a vicious circle of violence. Put simply, it's complicated. On a lighter note, Yartek trying to maintain his disguise by inventing a contagious disease is the funniest thing I've seen all week, apart from the Doctor and Ian having a spat in a corridor that is. Overall, good to see Team Tardis becoming more of a family. This serial was a mixed bag, and I'd have cut 'The Snows of Terror' altogether or given the serial more room to explore the interesting stuff like a machine that removes free will in the name of justice, but that's just me. On with The Aztecs!

Series 1 Episode 25: Sentence of Death

Serial: The Keys of Marinus
Episode: 5 (Sentence of Death)
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companions: Barbara, Ian, and Susan

Writer: Terry Nation
Director: John Gorrie
Producer: Verity Lambert
Original Air Date: 09/05/1964

THE DOCTOR ONE LADIES' DETECTIVE AGENCY (and other stories)

In which William Hartnell comes back from his holidays, Barbara and Susan are Team Watson, the Doctor plays at being a lawyer, and Ian is guilty until proven innocent. Also, domestic violence trigger warning. Because apparently this show is now Eastenders…IN SPAAAAAAAAACE.

We begin with a reshoot of Ian being boshed over the head with a potato gun, this time from an angle that doesn't make it obvious that he’s just having his spine tickled. Again he swoons and falls down next to the unidentified corpse that’s in the room with him, and again a mace is placed in his unconscious hand as his mystery assailant steals the micro-key from its case. Alarms! Drama! Etc.!

Ian comes round to discover he's sustained a painful bump on the bonce and that he is being interrogated by a guard in a vaguely fascist-looking uniform. Ian wants to know what the hell happened here; the guard thinks Ian should be the one answering that question. Apparently he couldn't have got into the room without the duty guard letting him in, and besides nobody gets into the vaults without a probity check. Ian hasn't had one.

Ah, probity probes.

Something else Ian hasn't had since waking up is a single fuck to give about any of this. In fact, he's projecting Barbara levels of Eternally Done right now, and in his furs looks as much like a bear with a sore head as he sounds like one. He's somewhat sobered, however, when he realises he's being accused of murder and their conversation is being recorded. There's also a rather poignant moment when he's asked his name and occupation, and he pauses for a moment before answering that he's ‘a teacher – Science’, as though it’s only just sinking in how ridiculously far he is from that former life. ‘Ian Chesterton, Science Teacher’ seems pretty distant from ‘Ian/Chesterton/Chatterton/Chesserman/Chesterfield/Dear Boy/the Human, Time Traveller’ who’s standing in an alien security vault wearing an outfit from the thirteenth-century Mongolian Empire and a wolfskin shrug. And when Tarron (his interrogator) asks him if he knows the purpose of the micro-key, he just rubs the bump on his head without answering, looking tired – no, not tired, weary.

I know he does have an actual head injury, but I think there’s an argument to be made for this scene being key to Ian’s character development. Increasingly we’re getting these quieter moments from him where he’s not dashing about à la Susan’s goldfish analogy or channelling his energies into being overprotective of Barbara and the gang; and we begin to get the sense that Ian’s the kind of person who has to keep active, not just because his inner pessimist tends to take hold at such times but also because as long as he’s fulfilling this weirdly chivalric ideal of masculinity he can subordinate his identity crises to the immediate need to be the Man of Action. And we can see this here: the minute he stops rushing around, he has trouble remembering who he is and what he’s for. Hashtag He For She; Hashtag Ian Needs Feminism Too.

Anyway, Tarron asks what Ian’s done with the key; Ian, frustrated, tells him he never had the effing thing. Tarron tells Ian he’s being charged with murder – DRAMATIC MUSIC! Ian thinks ‘this business is beginning to run away from me’, and protests that this whole thing is fucking stupid:

IAN: Well there was another man in here, I've got a lump on the back of my head to prove it!
TARRON: The dead man could have hit you before he was killed.
IAN: And I suppose I killed him when I was unconscious?
TARRON: Well it does suggest you had an accomplice, I agree. So you had better produce him, that's my advice to you for what it's worth.
IAN: I don't have to produce him, Tarron, you do! This is circumstantial evidence. You must prove that I did the actual killing!

And now for the real icing on the cake: in Millennius, the legal system dictates that Ian is not in fact innocent until proven guilty but rather guilty until proven innocent. So Ian needs to get a lawyer, sharpish, or he’s going to be executed. GULP. Ian thinks he knows the guy. And is cracking up a bit, because when Tarron asks who he is, this happens:

Keep it together, Ian.

Meanwhile, Barbara is being very polite and charming to the guard on the reception desk and has managed to get Team Tassles permission to see Ian. Susan, Sabetha, and Altos have been making enquiries about the Doctor, who’s been seen around the place but is currently AWOL. I must say I do love Team Tassles as it currently stands, mostly because Babs appears to have become its benevolent matriarch.

Enter Ian, who is pleased to see them but understandably anxious to find the Doctor on account of the fact that ‘the laws in this country are a mockery’. A familiar voice speaks from outside the shot: ‘I quite agree with you, my boy.’

BILLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YOU’RE BACK! I didn’t realise how much I missed you.

Everyone except Ian runs to hug him, and it’s beautiful. Team Tardis is back together again, and everything is going to be all right. Apart from the fact that Ian (who sounds a lot more West Midlands when he’s agitated, it must be said) is going to be executed. The Doctor gets his Elle Woods on and tell Ian he’s the legal eagle they need. Bang on.

I just want us all to take a moment to appreciate that the Doctor and Ian are now officially Space Bros. The Doctor actually gives a shit about his humans and is finally stepping up to the plate for a change. Character development for the win.

Later, three beardy men with Interesting Headdresses that look a bit like chefs’ hats crossed with paper lanterns walk into an impressive-looking courtroom. They are the judges. They ask the Real Slim Shady representative for the defence to please stand up, and the Doctor asks for time to gather evidence. The request is granted, but he doesn’t have long, seeing as Ian’s going to be executed in three days unless evidence can be found to prove his innocence. Crikey.

Eyesen, the prosecutor, engages in some low-level smack-talk with the Doctor; the Doctor is sassy and unphased. Team Tassles congratulates the Doctor on his mad legal skills, and the Doctor tells hem he’s been studying the local laws since Eprim – Ian’s supposed victim – was murdered. Altos’s ears prick up at the sound of the name:

ALTOS: (shocked) Eprim?
IAN: He was your friend?
ALTOS: Yes. You found him, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Oh yes, I had met him and arranged to take the micro-key but something must have happened, that's why he tried to take the key earlier than we had arranged.
SABETHA: And he was killed?
DOCTOR: Yes. He must have told his plans to someone else. And that someone else killed him and took the key.
IAN: Then all we have to do is find out who took the key and why!

Rather than take a moment to mourn the loss of his friend, Altos chooses to process his grief through the medium of sass:

The Doctor agrees they all need to get a wriggle on, and sends Altos and Sabetha off to the library to research case histories of Hippogriff murder trials. When Susan asks what she can do, the Doctor says she and Barbara can be his Detectives. Right on. Then Ian asks what he can do. And this happens:

'TRUST ME [I'M THE DOCTOR]' IS BORN.

Sabetha and Altos are pretending to read a blank Space Book. Meanwhile, the Doctor, Barbara, and Susan, are going over events with Tarron, who maintains that the key cannot have left the room because of reasons which I would write down if I could be arsed. Suffice to say, it’s a Jonathan Creek-style locked room mystery, and the Doctor thinks he’s Sherlock Holmes:

BARBARA: Have you any idea how the key got out of here?
DOCTOR: Oh, elementary, elementary.
SUSAN: Grandfather! Do you mean you know? I mean, how? Where?
DOCTOR: All in good time, my child. The important thing is I believe I know who did the killing.

I already knew there was a strong Holmesian thread running through Classic Who, but I didn’t realise it went this far back. More importantly, the Doctor reckons he can figure out what happened by holding an impromptu improv session, which involves Barbara pretending to be Ian, Susan pretending to be the corpse (poor, morbid Susan), and William Hartnell karate-chopping the hapless Jacqueline Hill to the ground. It is a thing of beauty and must be GIF-ed.

Anyway, the upshot is, it’s the so-called relief guard wot dunnit because the easiest way for the murderer to get away without running into security is to pretend to be first on the scene. Babs and Susan are all ready to go charging off to tell Tarron, but the Doctor reckons this will only complete Tarron’s case against Ian, seeing as how he can’t prove it wasn’t Ian wot hid the key in its present location (which the Doctor knows but apparently isn’t telling). He also has a task for Babs and Susan that he thinks they’ll find ‘very interesting’; they look hilariously unconvinced.

It turns out Team Watson’s task is to talk to the relief guard in question. His name is Aydan, and he’s not at home; his wife Kala, however, who would make an excellent Narcissa Malfoy if only because she has the dogshit-under-the-nose facial expression nailed, is smoothly and unflappable hospitable. No sooner has a possible motive for theft been established – to wit, the fact that the key is valuable as hell seeing as there are only five of them in the whole universe – than Aydan himself comes bursting in, freezing in suspicion as he sees our detectives perched on the sofa.

And now it’s Susan’s time to shine, goading Aydan essentially by telling him that her grandfather is going to come down on him like a tonne of bricks in the courtroom, and then eliciting a confession from him using the oldest trick in the book:

SUSAN: I thought you might like to know that we know where the key is hidden!
BARBARA: Susan!
AYDAN: (Alarmed) But you couldn't know where it is! I...

Go Susan. Also, and I don’t say this to detract from Susan’s tactics seeing as how she clearly has the measure of him, how thick is Aydan? Anyway, he resorts to hollow threats, about which Team Watson gives precisely zero fucks.

Aydan, who is clearly a very insecure and violent man, makes as though to strike Susan but is held back by Kala, sparing Babs the necessity of going into kill mode. They leave the premises and immediately start eavesdropping. Aydan is aggressive, Kala placatory, and then something very disturbing happens: there’s a smacking sound as though Aydan has hit Kala very hard indeed, followed by a slamming door. Barbara and Susan look alarmed and immediately bend down to look in at the keyhole, but can only see a hand pressing the buttons of a comms device; footsteps sound in the corridor, and they have to scarper.

Yikes. What a bastard. I’d like to think that, had they not been forced to flee, Barbara and Susan would have stormed the place, or at least waited until Aydan had left before sneaking back in to check if Kala was ok. I’m actually going to save my comments on the domestic violence subplot for the final episode in this serial, because it’s only then that we get the bigger picture on Kala’s relationship with Aydan, and I have Things To Say about the way Terry Nation has used the fact that Aydan clearly knocks his wife about as a red herring. Which is…hmmm. It’s also a surprisingly complex and adult situation for a children’s show, so I want to do it justice by talking about it properly once it’s reached its conclusion. For now I’m just going to do a massive Humanities buzzword copout and say it’s – wait for it – problematic. But this will get the space it deserves.

Back to the plot, it seems someone in the Kala/Aydan household is calling Eyesen the prosecutor. We only get to hear Eyesen’s side of the conversation: an unspecified ‘she’ may know something, an unspecified mutual friend may be unable to go through with an unspecified something, and the person on the other end of the phone may have to do an unspecified something about it. Clear? I thought so.

Back in court, Eyesen is arguing that Ian is, like, totes guilty because the murder weapon has Savage Vibes or something and was found in Ian’s right hand. The Doctor gets his Poirot on, telling the assembled court that the murderer is IN THIS VERY ROOM but it sure as hell isn't his client (or words to that effect).

Such a drama queen. Or whatever the gender-neutral equivalent of a drama queen is. What is that, by the way?

Anyway, the Doctor calls Sabetha to the stand for a flagrant bit of theatre in which he shows her a picture of the micro-key and asks her whether she recognises it. When she answers in the affirmative, he asks her whether she knows where it is, at which point she produces one of her own micro-keys (or perhaps the fake one), to general astonishment. He asks her where she got it; she tells him the man who murdered the guard; he asks her where he is and whether she can point him out, and she singles out Aydan sitting in the front row. Doctor, you devious little blighter.

So Aydan, as well as being a murderer and a wife-beater, is also – as we saw earlier – thick as shit, and blurts out that she can’t have found it. Realising he’s incriminated himself, he makes a dash for it, AND IS GRABBED AND RESTRAINED BY BARBARA AND SUSAN. Seriously, do NOT fuck with Team Watson. Babs in particular looks like she’s ready to wrestle him to the ground, while the morbid ‘gonna walk you into a sword’ gleam is back in Susan’s eye.

Recognising that he is in the grip of unyielding badasses, Aydan promptly decides to spill his guts. He gets as far as ‘they made me do it’ before he’s murdered by lasers (assailant unknown) and falls dead to the floor. There’s a stunned silence before Kala sinks to the ground and starts weeping over the body.

Later, an unrepentant Doctor is explaining his tricksy means to the judges. Meanwhile, Ian and Babs are chatting to Tarron, who’s telling them about psychometric testing, whereby ‘[e]xperts are able to define from an object the characteristics of the person who last had contact with that object’. Which explains all that business with the murder weapon earlier. Babs comments that it’s an improvement on fingerprints; Tarron is nonplussed; Babs says it’s not important. LOL. Though what on Earth are you talking about, Babs? Psychometric testing on inanimate objects sounds fucking mental and seems to involve a great deal of profiling. Then this happens:

I’m glad the episode has this moment, as I was beginning to be concerned about the fact that neither Barbara nor Susan had brought up the fact that Aydan was physically abusive. She doesn’t elaborate, and clearly Ian doesn’t grasp the full significance of her grim aside, but I’m glad she for one won’t be shedding a tear over the loss of a murder with a nasty temper who takes it out on his wife. And speaking of Kala, she’s been sent home with some drugs because she’s ‘hysterical’. Sigh.

As the tribunal resumes, Altos asks Babs where Susan’s got to; apparently she’s gone to get Ian’s statement and has in no way been kidnapped or imperilled or anything like that. But OH NO, it looks like Ian’s still in the doghouse and the Doctor’s little spectacle has backfired: Eyore or Eyesore or whatever the prosecutor’s name is submits that Ian is still guilty as hell, that Aydan was clearly coerced into being his accomplice, and that Team Tassles probably killed him.

At this point, the guard from the security desk comes in, whispers to Babs, and she, Susan, Altos, and Sabetha scarper from the courtroom unnoticed. The head judge, meanwhile, reckons Eyesen is right, and the other two judges do a lot of vigorous nodding. The Doctor asks for time to produce new evidence, and is denied. Which is unsurprising after the stunt he pulled, I suppose. So now Ian’s going to be executed.

Outside, Babs is talking to her mate from the security desk, who’s been given a note to give to her. And OH CRIKEY, this is what it says: ‘There will be another death if you disclose where the key is hidden.’ Altos reckons this is proof that someone else was involved and is keen to get it to Tarron and the Doctor sharpish. Babs wants to know whose death is on the cards, and as if to answer her question, a phone begins to ring.

Babs’s mate from the security desk picks up the phone and hands it to Babs, smiling pleasantly. I know I’m holding up the momentum at a crucial moment, but I like this guy. I want to see more of Barbara and the Security Desk Guy. He could be the new Ganatus. It’s a niche ship, but I think it’s got sails.

Anyway, it’s Susan…and ‘they’ made her call Babs…AND ‘THEY’ ARE GOING TO KILL HER!!

SHIT THE BED WHERE IS SUSAN AND WHO’S GOT HER AND WILL SHE BE OK AND WILL BABS COME STORMING TO THE RESCUE? HOW WILL THE DOCTOR GET IAN OUT OF THIS LEGAL PICKLE? WILL ALTOS AND SABETHA EVER GET NEW CLOTHES? WILL BARBARA GET TO HAVE SOME QUALITY TIME WITH THAT PLEASANT-LOOKING SECURITY GUARD? AND WHERE IS THAT SODDING MICRO-KEY?

Summary (as applicable to this episode)

Does it pass the Bechdel test? Yup.

Is the gaze problematic? Nope.

Is/are the woman companion(s) dressed 'for the Dads'? No. Altos, on the other hand...

Does a woman fall over/twist her ankle (whilst running from peril)? No, though the Doctor does send Babs flying again.

Does a woman wander off alone for the sole dramatic purpose of getting into trouble so she can be rescued later? Yup. Susan goes off to get Ian's Statement and promptly gets kidnapped.

Is/are the woman companion(s) captured? Yup.

Does the Doctor/a man companion/any other man have to rescue the woman companion(s) from peril? Not yet.

Is a woman placed under threat of actual bodily harm? Yes. Susan by her kidnappers, Susan and Barbara by Aydan, and Kala by Aydan.

Is/are the woman companion's/s' first/only reaction(s) to peril gratuitous screaming? No.

Does a woman companion go into hysterics over something reasonably minor? No.

Is a woman 'spared' the ordeal of having to do/witness something unpleasant by a man who makes a decision on her behalf/keeps her deliberately ignorant? No.

Does a man automatically disbelieve or belittle something a woman (companion) says happened to her? No.

Does a man talk over a woman or talk about a woman as though she isn't there? Aydan.

Does the woman companion have to be calmed/comforted by the Doctor/a man companion/a man? Barbara is still on cuddlewatch.

Is a woman the first/only person to be (most gratuitously) menaced by the episode's antagonist(s)? Ian's under threat of death but the women get menaced a fair old bit.

Is a man shamed into doing/not doing something because the alternative is a woman doing/not doing something? No.

Does the woman companion come up with a plan? Nope, it's the Doctor running the show this week. Though I'd say Susan tripping Aydan up in his story is sort of a plan.

Does the woman companion do something stupid/banal/weird which inspires a man to be a Man with a Plan? Nope.

Does a woman come up with a theory and is it ridiculed by the Doctor/a man? The Doctor does pour cold water on Susan and Barbara's plan to tell Tarron about the relief guard being the culprit.

Does a woman call the Doctor out on his bullshit? Nope.

Does a woman get to be a badass? Barbara and Susan are badass detectives and heavyweights.

Is the young, strong, straight, white male lead the person most often in control of the situation? Nope, it's the Doctor in charge this week.

Is there past/future/alien sexism? Yup. Aydan is the worst.

Does a 'present'-day character call anybody out on past/future/alien sexism? Only subtly alluded to by Babs.

Does an past/future/alien person have the hots for a woman companion and is it reciprocated? ONLY IN MY MIND.

Did a woman write/direct/produce this episode? No/No/Yes.

Verdict

Now that's more like it! Billy's back, and I didn't know I'd missed him but please never leave for more than one episode ever again. The Doctor and Ian get some nice character development, Babs and Susan get to be Team Watson but an independent Team Watson that the Doctor!Holmes actually trusts to do the job without secretly following them around and undermining their efforts. It's also nice to see Barbara and Susan have a few lighter scenes with the Doctor where they're all doing improv at the murder scene, the highlights of which include Barbara being very earnest in her game of 'what would Ian do?' and Susan being an Addams Family weirdo who's way too into pretending to be a corpse. A troubling domestic violence subplot which I'll get into next week once it plays out. Overall, however, a much-needed change of pace and genre.