Series 1 Episode 19: Mighty Kublai Khan

Serial: Marco Polo
Episode: 6 (Mighty Kublai Khan)
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companions: Barbara, Ian, and Susan

Writer: John Lucarotti
Director: Waris Hussein
Producer: Verity Lambert
Original Air Date: 28/03/1964

MARCO BROLO (and other stories)

In which Ian just isn't looking for bromance right now, Ping-Cho does a runner, Barbara and Susan go on record as being Not OK with marrying off a 16-year-old to a septuagenarian, and the Doctor bonds with the ruler of the Mongol Empire over being old as balls.

We begin where we left off: with Susan in a chokehold courtesy of the ever-pesky Tegana. Enter Ian, telling Tegana to let her go – to let them all go – seeing as how he hates Marco anyway so it oughtn’t to be any skin off his nose whether Team Tardis stays or goes. Ah but Ian, you don’t know about Tegana’s designs on the Tardis yet. It’d be a good appeal if you weren’t in the dark on this point. Anyway, Tegana tells Ian to get the others out of the Tardis.

ENOUGH with the women held at knifepoint already

Enter the Doctor, and he’s fucking livid. Enter also Marco, at which point Tegana snitches on our would-be escapees. The Doctor tells Marco to tell Tegana to ‘take his hands the fuck off my grandchild’; Marco wants the Tardis key first; the Doctor complies. Poor Susan. Tegana makes as though to murder Team Tardis but is prevented from doing so by Marco. Because we’re supposed to think Marco is a Nice Guy.

Susan apologises to the Doctor; refreshingly for this serial, he waves this aside, and tells her that all that matters is that she’s safe. I have no trouble believing that this incarnation of the Doctor would stab his human companions in the face without hesitation were it a condition for Susan’s continued safety. Again my curiosity as to what made him leave Gallifrey with Susan is RAGING.

Then this happens:

POLO: Where did you get the key, Doctor?
PING-CHO: Messr Marco...
IAN: (Hurriedly.) I took it.
POLO: You did?
IAN: Yes, I searched your room last night.
POLO: (Thoughtfully.) I see.
IAN: What are you going to do about it?
POLO: Tomorrow morning at dawn, we ride to Shang-Tu. When next you see your caravan, it will be at the great Khan's summer palace, and that will make an end of it.

YES IAN! I mean yes it’s all part of his hero complex, but I’m so glad Ian isn’t hanging Ping-Cho out to dry, because let’s face it had the Doctor spoken for Team Tardis at this point it’s entirely likely that he would have dobbed her in if it meant a better chance of getting the keys back. Though possibly my favourite part of this exchange is Ian calling Marco’s bluff and Marco’s response essentially being ‘I’m going to do literally nothing about it because I was always going to give the object that is both your home and your only means of getting home to my boss anyway’. Also I’m pretty sure the subtext of all Marco’s interactions with Ian is ‘PLEASE LIKE ME AND BE MY SPECIAL FRIEND ONLY OTHER YOUNG WHITE GUY IN THIS STORY’.

Marco messed with the wrong crew

Anyway, Marco is writing in his journal again because he’s Billy No Mates. Everyone has had a day of 'hard riding' (snigger) and Babs and Ian are having the chats at another Service Station. The Doctor still hasn’t got over his ride (Ian’s words not mine) and Babs reckons they’ll not get him on another horse ‘as long as he lives’, just to clarify that we are indeed talking about horseriding for the benefit of smut-peddlers like Yours Truly.

Barbara has clearly picked up on the fact that Marco wants to be Kindred Spirits with Ian, too, because she designates him official Marco-whisperer:

BARBARA: Listen, we need the TARDIS. You must talk to Marco.
IAN: Talk to Marco! I've done nothing else but talk to Marco.

And who should enter at that very moment but Marco himself? Babs is subtle as a brick:

BARBARA: (Hurriedly.) Oh, Marco, Ian wants a word with you. I'm feeling a bit tired, so I think I'll go off to bed.

*BARBARA OUT*

IAN: (Shouting after BARBARA.) But... just a minute... Barbara, come here!
POLO: Well?
IAN: Marco, you must give us back the TARDIS.

The Barbara Wright Method

It’s a nice moment and I think maybe one of the lighter scenes we’ve seen between the two since they spent all that time being terribly serious about terribly serious things on Skaro and the like. We get a glimpse of the Barbara we met right at the beginning of the show whose first exchange with Ian was full of humour and snark. Now she’s throwing him under the bus with Marco and it cracks me up that she’s deliberately leaving them to have a Man Talk that nobody wants except possibly Marco because his only friend is his own handwriting.

Anyway, Ian (bless him) has another fruitless stab at getting Marco to understand that yes Marco may need the Tardis to get home but so does Team Tardis. Ian decides to try honesty and tell Marco that he and his companions are actually time travellers. It goes down like a lead balloon – somewhere between Alex Drake confessing to Gene Hunt that she’s not actually from the 1980s in Life on Mars and Merlin confessing to Arthur that he’s magic in Merlin, only without the heart-wrenching aspect because nobody in the world is invested in the relationship between Ian and Marco except possibly Marco.

Rather pathetically, the thing that makes Marco believe Ian to be lying to him is the fact that Ian lied about having stolen the Tardis key:

POLO: Where did you get that?
IAN: From your room.
POLO: Whereabouts? Where had I hidden it?
(IAN remains silent.)
POLO: Come Ian, surely you know where you found it?
(IAN continues to remain silent.)
POLO: You didn't find it, did you? It was given to you, and you lied about finding it to protect Ping-Cho. Ian, don't you see it doesn't matter to me why you lied. What is important is the fact that you are capable of lying.
IAN: So you don't believe me when I say I came from another time.
POLO: If I did Ian, I would give you the key TO MY HEART.

As I just said, nobody cares about your faux bromance (fauxmance?) except you, Marco.

But OH here’s something we DO care about: Ping-Cho has heard everything and now she’s checking in on a sleeping Susan TO SAY GOODBYE TO HER WHILE SHE SLUMBERS. NO, PING-CHO! I MEAN YES, PING-CHO, BUT AT LEAST WAIT UNTIL YOUR NEW FRIENDS GET THE TARDIS BACK THEN RUN AWAY WITH SUSAN AND HAVE BEAUTIFUL ADVENTURES IN TIME AND SPACE AND KEEP PET GOLDFISH IN YOUR BEDROOM! Ahem.

Ooh babe I hate to go.

The next morning, Ping-Cho has been missed. After some prompting from Babs, Susan suggests her Bosom Friend may have tried to get back home to Samarkand. Which is Very Far Away. Ian offers to go after her and bring her back, ostensibly because Kublai Khan will be Very Angry with Marco if they arrive at Shang-Tu without her. When Marco asks Ian what he ‘hope[s] to gain from this gesture’, Ian gives him what I am going to assume is a Babs-worthy Drop Dead Look because he doesn’t dignify Marco with a response. As Ian leaves, Babs consoles Marco by telling him that Ian will indeed bring Ping-Cho back and isn’t to be underestimated. Tegana snarks in the background.

Meanwhile, Ping-Cho has arrived back in Cheng-Ting, where Kuiju the Mirrorverse Version of Monkey Guy from Raiders of the Lost Ark is stealing the Tardis for Tegana by means of false documents. Wang-Lo is, apparently, easily fooled. Ping-Cho approaches Kuiju to ask whether his caravan is going anywhere near Samarkand and is promptly conned out of all her money. Wang-Lo tells her she’s an idiot and has just recognised her as a runaway from Marco’s caravan when who should show up but Ian, who is immediately available for hugs.

Embracing fatherhood

Then this happens:

IAN: Ping-Cho, why did you do it?
PING-CHO: The key... and I can't marry a man old enough to be my grandfather. I can't. Please don't take me back. Please...
IAN: I must Ping-Cho. I promised Marco.

Er…IAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? I don’t care how unhappy you sound about it, you should 100% do the right thing and make sure the kid gets home ok and not take her back to a marriage she doesn’t want that looks extra creepy to an audience that will automatically make the connection between Ping-Cho/Random Old Guy and Susan/Doctor in terms of the age gap. It seems Marco isn’t the only one unwilling to sacrifice their chance of getting home in return for someone else getting home; perhaps he and Marco are Kindred Spirits after all...

Anyway, Ian doesn’t have time to do any soul-searching because he has now realised from Wang-Lo’s chit-chat that THE TARDIS HAS BEEN STOLEN! SHOCK HORROR!

Lucky Ian and Ping-Cho are here, tbh.

After another journal entry in which Marco wonders how Ian is getting on, he and Tegana have a blazing row: Tegana wants to go after Ping-Cho himself, but Marco isn’t keen because it would look bad if Tegana as Noghai’s representative didn’t arrive at the summer palace with the rest of the party. Then this happens:

TEGANA: Ping-Cho could be anywhere; the chances of finding her are very small. But Ian knows where the caravan is... he knows exactly where it is.
POLO: You're wrong Tegana. I think I know something of Ian's character...

Marco just…just stop. You’re right, but you’re embarrassing yourself.

Enter Susan and Babs, giggling about something which might be the Doctor’s horseback antics but hey insert headcanon here. Tegana tries to rain on their parade by telling them Ian isn’t back yet and must have failed to find Ping-Cho; Babs, displaying the kind of blind faith in Ian that later companions usually place in the Doctor, tells him confidently they just haven’t given Ian enough time yet. It’s part of a trend in their time aboard the Tardis that the humans, despite being entirely comfortable acting independently of one another, still see each other as the one constant in their batshit adventures, which for Ian manifests itself as losing his shit every time Babs is Missing Presumed in Danger until he finds her and for Babs manifests itself as being in denial about Ian being MPiD and generally getting on with stuff until he eventually shows up. Coping mechanisms are weird.

Anyway, Tegana tells Marco Team Tardis is way too sympathetic to Ping-Cho to have gone after her only to bring her back to be married off, and that this means Ian’s motives can’t have been true. This seems to be confirmed when Susan says she’s glad Ping-Cho hasn’t been found. Oh Susan. Then this happens:

POLO: One moment. Are you opposed to Ping-Cho's marriage?
BARBARA: (Hesitating.) Look, why are we...
POLO: Answer my question please.
BARBARA: Yes I am - completely opposed to it.
TEGANA: How very unusual for you and Ian to disagree.
BARBARA: It isn't unusual at all. We don't agree about everything. And in this case, we're in complete agreement - all of us.
POLO: This marriage has the Khan's blessing. Am I to understand that you oppose it? Am I?
BARBARA: Yes.
POLO: All four of you?
BARBARA*: Yes, all four of us.

*This sounds a bit more like Susan to me but the transcript says ‘Barbara’ so Barbara it is.

BARBARA SPEAKS FOR TEAM TARDIS. Also Tegana is the second person to try to needle Barbara about Ian in this manner: the first was Ganatus on Skaro, who asked her mockingly whether she always did ‘what Ian says’, to which she rather curtly replied in the negative; now Tegana is trying to provoke Barbara by implying that it’s unusual for her to have her own opinion on anything, and again Barbara is having none of it. It’s interesting that this is the way in which people try to undermine her and that as a means of ruffling her feathers it usually works, however apparently calm and dignified her response.

Ladies, your Withering Disdain game is strong.

Also, can we take a moment to appreciate the quiet bravery it takes for both Susan and Barbara to stand up to and assert their opinions in front of two men who have consistently belittled their opinions, called them liars, and – in Tegana’s case – been responsible either directly or indirectly for threatening them with actual bodily harm? You are both bloody heroes.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, Team Tardis’s opposition to Ping-Cho’s marriage has convinced Marco that Tegana is right and that he can’t be sure Ian hasn’t just gone back to reclaim the Tardis; he lets Tegana go after him.

Meanwhile Ian is in an understandable flap over the Tardis. He reckons the thieves will have taken it along an older road that’s no longer used; Ping-Cho suggests the Karakorum Road.

'Ian, I got this.'

Ian has a brief moment of twentieth-centurysplaining when he rather endearingly appears to dredge up a behind-the-scenes History lesson from Babs and points out that Karakorum is the capital of the Mongol Empire. Ping-Cho, who’s actually from this time, corrects him:

PING-CHO: Not any more. Not since the Khan built his palace at Peking.
IAN: Yes, but it'll still be an important place. I mean caravans will still go there.
PING-CHO: Karakorum was not a city of stone. It was just a collection of tents. When the Khan moved, the Mongols dispersed.
IAN: So the road isn't used any more?
PING-CHO: Never.
IAN: Then, that will be the answer!

Yes, Ian. It will.

Meanwhile, the others have arrived at the summer palace of Kublai Khan at Shang-Tu or Shangdu or Xanadu depending on whether you like to get your info from the transcripts, Wikipedia, or Samuel Taylor Coleridge. There’s some dialogue that’s transparently educational, and then the Vizier tells everyone they need to kow-tow when the Khan appears. The Doctor, however, who is super saddle-sore and has a bad back, can only make it to his knees.

Marco's true face out of which he does most of his talking is revealed.

Enter Mighty Kublai Khan…who it turns out is a gout-ridden old grump. He notices the Doctor’s physical discomfort, asks hopefully if he’s a physician upon learning his name, and gets sassed for his trouble. Clearly they shall be best friends. Oh and Noghai’s army is now camped at Karakorum so they all need to ride to Peking, which Wikipedia informs me was called Khanbaliq or Dadu at the time. Tegana has some explaining to do.

Upon learning that he will have to get on another horse, the Doctor cries out in anguish, sasses the Vizier, and then sasses Kublai Khan again:

VIZIER: The Master of the World has a carriage of state.
DOCTOR: (Muttering.) Well, well, he's lucky... he won't be jogged about...
THE KHAN: (Chuckling.) Tomorrow, you will ride in state, with us.
DOCTOR: Thank you.

Indeed it seems the Khan is rather taken with the Doctor, because they hobble off together grumbling about their aches and pains:

THE KHAN: We have healing waters here which relieve my gout. Come... let us observe their effects upon your aches and pains.
DOCTOR: Very well... very well.
THE KHAN: Oh, what a trial old age is.
DOCTOR: It must be borne with dignity, sir.
THE KHAN: Oh, dignity... yes of course. Now, take my arm friend.

Dignity. Always dignity.

Susan thinks this is all hilarious. Marco says the Khan’s mad admin skills ought to command her respect. Or something. Barbara tells Marco they can’t leave without Ping-Cho and Ian; Marco tells her Tegana will bring them back; Barbara says WILL HE THO.

Meanwhile, on the Karakorum road, Ian and Ping-Cho are hiding in a bush, spying on Kuiju. Ping-Cho distracts him by jumping out of said bush and demanding her money back, and Ian takes the opportunity to disarm him and hold a dagger to his throat. WELL DONE TEAM. Ping-Cho gets her money back, and after a bit of threatening Kuiji grasses on Tegana…WHO APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE WITH A FUCK-OFF SWORD LIKE THAT OTHER GUY IN RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK ONLY I’LL BET IAN DOESN’T HAVE A GUN IN HIS POCKET YE GODS TEGANA WHY MUST YOU TURN UP LIKE A BAD PENNY AT THE END OF EVERY EPISODE?

SUFFERING CATS WILL TEGANA MAKE MINCEMEAT OF IAN AND PING-CHO? WILL IAN REALLY TAKE HER BACK TO BE MARRIED TO SOME ANCIENT RANDOMER? IS THE REASON BARBARA AND SUSAN ARE GIGGLING TOGETHER BECAUSE THEY’RE PLOTTING TO MURDER MARCO IN HIS SLEEP OR HAVE THEY JUST FOUND WHERE MARCO KEEPS THE WINE? WILL THE DOCTOR AND KHAN’S BLOSSOMING BFF-NESS RESULT IN TEAM TARDIS GETTING THEIR HOME BACK? CAN PING-CHO BE A PERMANENT ADDITION PLEASE?

Summary (as applicable to this episode)

Does it pass the Bechdel test? Er...oh no not this again! By the skin of its teeth and only if you're clutching at straws. Which I absolutely am. Susan and Barbara are in the same conversations and they've been chatting and giggling together but I'd hardly call it conversation. Also no Susan/Ping-Cho chats this week. Sadface.

Is the gaze problematic? Not as far as I can tell.

Is/are the woman companion(s) dressed 'for the Dads'? No.

Does a woman fall over/twist her ankle (whilst running from peril)? No.

Does a woman wander off alone for the sole dramatic purpose of getting into trouble so she can be rescued later? Not really, though Ping-Cho runs away so that Ian can discover that the Tardis is missing.

Is/are the woman companion(s) captured? Susan. And then everyone's captured. Again.

Does the Doctor/a man companion/any other man have to rescue the woman companion(s) from peril? Ian has to go and get Ping-Cho back but it's hardly a rescue mission, more a recovering lost property mission. Sigh.

Is/are the woman companion's/s' first/only reaction(s) to peril gratuitous screaming? I'd scream if I were being half-throttled by a murderous warlord, so I wouldn't say gratuitous.

Does a woman companion go into hysterics over something reasonably minor? Nope.

Is a woman 'spared' the ordeal of having to do/witness something unpleasant by a man who makes a decision on her behalf/keeps her deliberately ignorant? No.

Does a man automatically disbelieve or belittle something a woman (companion) says happened to her? Not directly but Marco continues to disbelieve any evidence presented to him against Tegana from previous weeks.

Does a man talk over a woman or talk about a woman as though she isn't there? Not that I remember.

Does the woman companion have to be calmed/comforted by the Doctor/a man companion/a man? Susan gets a hug from her grandfather and Ping-Cho gets some Ian hugs but it's all pretty reasonable.

Is a woman the first/only person to be (most gratuitously) menaced by the episode's antagonist(s)? Susan and Tegana. Though it looks like Ian's for it as of the cliffhanger.

Is a man shamed into doing/not doing something because the alternative is a woman doing/not doing something? No.

Does the woman companion come up with a plan? Ping-Cho and Ian work stuff out together.

Does the woman companion do something stupid/banal/weird which inspires a man to be a Man with a Plan? Nope.

Does a woman come up with a theory and is it ridiculed by the Doctor/a man? Ian thinks he knows the political and geographical setup of the Mongol Empire better than Ping-Cho, but otherwise it's not so much ridicule this week as Marco continuing to be a general asshat.

Does a woman call the Doctor out on his bullshit? No. The Doctor is still at his sassy best this week.

Does a woman get to be a badass? Not so much.

Is the young, strong, straight, white male lead the person most often in control of the situation? Yes.

Is there past/future/alien sexism? Ping-Cho as property.

Does a 'present'-day character call anybody out on past/future/alien sexism? Yup. Babs opposes Ping-Cho's marriage.

Did a woman write/direct/produce this episode? No/No/Yes.

Verdict

I wasn't particularly gripped by this episode, and Marco 'Nice Guy' Polo continues to get on my nerves. Were he a less objectionable character, I'd be more invested in his doomed bromance with Ian, but if I'm brutally honest I just enjoy the way everyone is entirely willing to exploit Marco's ongoing and painfully obvious angst - even Babs. Speaking of which, her 'Ian you should talk to Marco hey Marco Ian wants to talk to you bye Ian' scene is hysterical. Ping-Cho breaks my heart again, but there are no beautiful chats with Susan this episode because Ping-Cho's too busy taking on Mirrorverse Eyepatch Guy with Ian. I just want Ping-Cho to be a series regular - is that too much to ask? The Doctor continues to up the sass content of the show, which I adore, and his new friendship with Kublai Khan is the best. Grumpy old men for the win. Next week I hope to Almighty Zarquon that Marco gets his comeuppance. Or at least another tongue-lashing from Barbara. 

Series 1 Episode 18: Rider from Shang-Tu

Serial: Marco Polo
Episode: 5 (Rider from Shang-Tu)
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companions: Barbara, Ian, and Susan

Writer: John Lucarotti
Director: Waris Hussein
Producer: Verity Lambert
Original Air Date: 21/03/1964

BEAUTIFUL CINNAMON GOLDFISH TOO GOOD FOR THIS WORLD, TOO PURE (and other stories)

In which the Doctor gets his sass on, the men fight some bandits, Ping-Cho and Susan are my new (Br)OTP, and Tegana continues to prolong the serial by forever putting spanners in the works.

In the bamboo forest, Tegana’s pals are watching and waiting for his signal to attack (a burning torch). Meanwhile, Ian has rushed back into the tent aghast:

DOCTOR: What's the matter? Did you kill him?
IAN: No, of course not. He was dead.

I love how the Doctor automatically assumes Ian has murdered someone. Babs suspects bandits; Ian reckons they must be just on the point of attacking them. Susan asks the Doctor what to do; the Doctor tells her they should stick to the plan, by which he means get the keys and scarper. Susan spots Tegana outside and Ian says they’re too late and the only thing he can do now is warn Marco. Or maybe let Tegana’s pals kill him and loot the Tardis keys from his still-warm corpse? No? Just a suggestion, Ian. Bae tells him to be careful, because of course.

Doing the noble and serial-prolonging thing.

Ian sneaks into Marco’s tent to wake him and the two hurry to join Tegana, who Marco still seems to trust. Ian gathers the rest of Team Tardis, and Marco tells the women to go into the tent and stay there. Ugh. Susan, but of course, asks about Ping-Cho; Marco tells her she’s sleeping but to make sure she stays in the tent if she wakes up.

Ian gets given a sword because he’s a man, despite the fact that by his own admission he doesn’t know how to use one. His can-do attitude is rather endearing, though: ‘No, [I can’t use one of these], but given half a chance, I’ll learn’. The Doctor also gets a sword and a healthy dose of snark from Marco: ‘If you're half as aggressive with this as you are with your tongue Doctor, we can't lose.’

'This is a good sword, Haleth, son of Hama.'

The Doctor, however, is more than a match for Marco’s sass. He thinks they look fucking ridiculous and suggests they all use the Tardis to get the hell out of dodge. Tegana tries to convince Marco that Team Tardis killed the guard; Ian gets shirty with him, telling him ‘not everyone lives by your standards, Tegana’. Ouch. And of course because Tegana’s the one giving the signal, the bandits haven’t attacked yet, giving credence to his ‘lol bandits what bandits’ attitude. Then this happens:

POLO: You deceived me before, Doctor. No, we will not use your caravan. If there are bandits, we shall fight.
DOCTOR: (Waving the sword.) Well, we're not going to get very far with this overgrown bread knife! We shall have to use more enterprise than this.
IAN: The Doctor's right, Marco. We need more than these swords.

Overgrown. Breadknife. Doctor, you kill me.

Anyway, Ian comes up with a Science Plan: bamboo when thrown on the fire will expand and blow up and make ‘a terrifying noise’. I wonder…I’m guessing this might be more than just a Science Plan. Let’s assume Ian is the same age as William Russell, who was…wow, he was 39 when this serial was broadcast, which is at good few years older than my guesstimate. Looking good, Russ. So he would definitely have done National Service, and may well have been stationed somewhere bamboo-friendly if Wikipedia tells me true. But I digress. Let’s hope he succeeds in bamboo-zling Tegana’s pals. See what I did there…?

Anyway, Tegana’s pals are getting antsy, and anyway Tegana’s well old and boring so if he hasn’t given the signal by the time the moon is up they’re going to attack anyway and sod the stealthy part.

Bad guys always bite their swords.

Meanwhile, Ian and Marco have collected a large pile of bamboo. Marco wonders ‘does the lamb conceal the wolf, or the wolf the lamb’? Nobody cares, Marco. Marco asks Ian whether he was trying to escape and what he planned to do to him; Ian tells him the truth, and says he wishes he could explain ‘how important the Tardis is to us’. Marco tries to bullshit Ian about how important the Tardis is to him. Sorry, Marco, but I stopped caring about how homesick you are round about the time you started being a dick to Susan, Ping-Cho, and Barbara.

Marco plans his next move on Ian.

The Doctor has fallen asleep next to the fire, probably because he’s as bored of Marco’s manpain as I am. Ian continues to be tantalisingly knowledgeable about bamboo. Just as Tegana exclaims that there are no bandits and that it’s all a ruse, who should appear but his impatient chums? Marco wishes Ian good luck with the fighting and all that. Ian wakes the Doctor.

The Doctor is bored of your shit, Marco.

The bandits attack! Back in the tent, Barbara is cuddling the girls Battle of Helms Deep style. It’s gorgeous and I’m sad she’s not also singing about her favourite things. Which would probably be mostly hairspray and wine.

Spot the difference.

Tegana is fighting Acomat and stabs him. Then OH NO one of the warriors has broken into the tent and is menacing Barbara and the girls!

TA-DAAAAAAAAAAAH!

But OH THANK GOODNESS the bamboo has started to explode! Tegana’s ex-chums run away from the explosions in confusion. Ian starts yelling ‘WE WON!’ like a delighted schoolboy. Then this happens:

SUSAN: What was the explosion?
POLO: Bamboo... the bandits thought there were devils in the fire, and fled.
DOCTOR: No, it wasn't the devils in the fire. Their leader was killed. That's why they broke up and ran.
TEGANA: Well, in battle all men face death.
DOCTOR: And few expect to meet it. Hmmm!

Doctor, you get bonus sass points for essentially telling Marco Polo to quit talking racist bollocks.

The next day, everyone is on the road again. Barbara has clearly got her mojo back because she’s slamming her fist on the table and yelling about how much of an ungrateful prick Marco Polo is. The Doctor concurs: ‘If that fool had any decency at all, he’d let us go.’ Ian doubts very much that Marco will do anything of the sort. The Doctor says they’ll just have to try escaping again.

Bang on cue, Marco comes in, and asks them if they’ll promise, on their honour, not to escape again.

Polo tells them quietly, ‘so be it’; the Doctor reminds him they sacrificed their freedom to save him; Marco tells them that as a reward for good behaviour he’s revoking the seizure of their caravan by official decree:

DOCTOR: (Sarcastically.) Huh! Very noble of you, I'm sure!
IAN: What you're really saying, Marco, is that we're no longer Kublai Khan's prisoners - only yours, eh?
POLO: That's right.
DOCTOR: Thanks for nothing.

Ye GODS but I love the Doctor this week. Also, I enjoy how Ian is also calling Marco out on his pseudo-benevolent bullshit. Marco tells them they’ll enjoy all the freedoms they had before and that Susan and Ping-Cho can see each other again, but that he will hang on to the Tardis keys. Thanks for nothing indeed. Nob.

Fierce disapproval is fierce.

Anyway, once alone, Team Tardis starts speculating about how Tegana knows they’re onto him. Ian reckons Tegana was in on the attack, and sure enough Barbara remembers where she’s seen the bandit they buried that morning before – in the Cave of Five Hundred Eyes. If I were Barbara, I would have added at this point ‘where he was playing dice for the chance to murder me’, but Babs is apparently not one to dwell on such matters. The Doctor reckons Tegana had to kill him or risk exposure, and that he must be after the Tardis, too. Ian isn’t sure, but whatever he’s after, they’re in the way of it; Barbara, in a surprising display of magnanimity, wonders whether Marco might also be in danger and whether they ought to warn him. The Doctor tells her not to be hasty, Master Meriadoc.

Enter Susan and Ping-Cho with the titular Rider from Shang-Tu, whose name is Ling-Tau. Ping-Cho goes to tell Marco, who’s hiding the Tardis keys in the journal. He makes Ping-Cho promise not to tell anyone where the keys are and she agrees. DOESN’T MEAN SHE DIDN’T PROMISE TO STEAL THEM, MARCO. Which I hope is what happens.

There’s some educational stuff about how Ling-Tau rides 300 miles in one day which I can’t be bothered to write about but anyway they all have to hurry the fuck up with their journey because the Khan wants to see Marco asap; their belongings will have to follow on at a slower rate.

Everyone arrives at ANOTHER service station. This one is called Cheng-Ting, and it features another station manager in yellowface doing an accent that sounds more like the Scottish hotel owner from Little Britain than anything else.

What Fresh Hell...?

His name is Wang-Lo and everyone finds him terribly funny. He’s put the Tardis in the stables, which the Doctor isn’t terribly happy about and mimics Wang-Lo when he’s gone: ‘I could hardly have placed it in the hanging garden could I…what does he think it is, a potting shed or something?’ Fortunately, his mimicry extends only to Wang-Lo’s supercilious tone.

HOLY RAVIOLI IS BARBARA ACTUALLY SMILING?

Meanwhile, Susan and Ping-Cho are being adorable by the fish pond:

SUSAN: Look at that one there. He's just like Wang-Lo, all fat, smooth and silky. And look at this one here - he's very solemn. He's just like Marco Polo. And look at this one dashing around all over the place. He's got Ian's energy. Ah, look, that one's all by itself. It's independent, like Barbara.
PING-CHO: There's you Susan, hmmm? A wicked goldfish.
SUSAN: (laughs) Now, where are you Ping-Cho? Oh, look there - that little pretty one down there, with the wedding veil.

OH MY GOD COULD YOU BE ANY CUTER?

Susan lets her Wicked Goldfish show.

Also I love this little insight into how Susan sees people (though interestingly there is no Doctor!fish). It’s particularly lovely that she sees a goldfish all on its own and instead of projecting her own loneliness onto it, she thinks of Barbara and independence. Also we need to see more of Susan’s wicked goldfish side (the side that enjoys flaming skulls and creepy cave paintings), as clearly it’s something Ping-Cho sees in her, and indeed brings out of her. Susan’s rather put her foot in her mouth mentioning Ping-Cho’s wedding, though, as it just makes Ping-Cho homesick:

PING-CHO: How I miss my home in Samarkand. And your home Susan? You've never told me about that. Is it so very far away?
SUSAN: (Sadly.) Yes, it is. It's as far away as a night star.
PING-CHO: But you can reach it from Venice, can't you?
SUSAN: No, Ping-Cho, no, I can't.
PING-CHO: And if Messr Marco does give your caravan to Kublai Khan, you will never see your home again?
SUSAN: That's right.
PING-CHO: I gave him my word Susan. I promised not to tell anyone where he put the key.
SUSAN: And I promise you that no-one will ask you.

But seriously Ping-Cho is a beautiful cinnamon goldfish too good for this world, too pure. Also Susan’s promise that she won’t ask where the key is shows just how important their friendship is to her – she’d rather never see her home again than ask Ping-Cho to break her word. Love is real.

Meanwhile I SHIT YOU NOT THE EYEPATCH MONKEY GUY FROM RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK HAS TURNED UP IN CHENG-TING.

SEPARATED AT BIRTH

His name is Kuiju and he’s being hired by Tegana to have the Tardis stolen. Arrangements are arranged.

Eyepatch monkey guy returns to his mirror dimension in 1930s Cairo

Meanwhile, Marco is still writing sad poems in his journal or something. Enter Ping-Cho, telling him dinner’s ready; when Marco goes off to wash the ink off his hands, PING-CHO STEALS ONE OF THE TARDIS KEYS FROM THE JOURNAL! Oh my brave goldfish!

Later, Ping-Cho meets up with Susan in the courtyard and gives her the Tardis key. When Susan tells Ping-Cho that Marco will be angry, Ping-Cho responds by telling her ‘one of us will be on their way home’. Of all the homesick people in this story, Ping-Cho is the one who truly understands that the one thing you can’t do to try to get home is to deny someone else that same chance.

Stealing is FUN

But then OH FUCKSAKE TEGANA. Does this man do nothing but lurk in corners being there at the precise time anyone from Team Tardis gets any closer to escaping? Anyway, Susan and Ping-Cho don’t think he noticed the key. Then this happens:

PING-CHO: You will say good-bye, won't you?
SUSAN: Of course I will! (Beginning to cry.) Ping-Cho... what can I say?

 No YOU'VE got something in your eye.

ME TOO, SUSAN. ME TOO.

Later that night, the Von Trapp Family Singers are sneaking out of the driveway on their way out of Austria I mean Team Tardis is sneaking into the courtyard. There’s a guard, and the Doctor asks Ian if he has any ideas, which is nice.

Are Father and Uncle Max going to push the car all the way to Switzerland?

Ian does have an idea, and the idea is WINE. He staggers up to the guard, pretending to be drunk, then knocks him out. Well hurry up and find this episode already because I would pay good money to see that. It is at this point that Susan decides she needs to go and say goodbye to Ping-Cho, which is lovely but WHY DIDN’T YOU DO THIS EARLIER.

And OH THE COMFORTING HUM OF THE CONSOLE ROOM! They’ve just closed the doors when Ian notices Susan isn’t with them. Barbara realises she must’ve gone to say goodbye to Ping-Cho; the Doctor is so frustrated he actually yells ‘GREAT OLYMPUS’, which is wonderful. Ian tells everyone not to panic and to give her a second; after all, the guard is now unconscious.

!@*#!!!*#@****!!!!!!

But OH FOR THE LOVE OF ZEUS effing Tegana has snuck up on Susan and caught her before she can get to the Tardis. GRANDFATHER!!! Is what Susan screams.

Seriously though Tegana get a fucking hobby.

GREAT OLYMPUS! SO CLOSE AND YET SO FAR! AND THERE ARE STILL ANOTHER TWO EPISODES TO GO! SERIOUSLY, WHAT DO THESE GUYS HAVE TO DO TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE? WHY IS TEGANA SO IRRITATINGLY EFFICIENT AT FOILING THEIR ESCAPE PLANS? WILL PING-CHO BE OK OR WILL MARCO LOCK HER IN A TOWER OR SOME OTHER SUCH NONSENSE? WHY *IS* MONKEY GUY FROM INDIANA JONES WORKING FOR TEGANA?

Summary (as applicable to this episode)

Does it pass the Bechdel test? And how.

Is the gaze problematic? Not as far as I can tell.

Is/are the woman companion(s) dressed 'for the Dads'? No.

Does a woman fall over/twist her ankle (whilst running from peril)? No.

Does a woman wander off alone for the sole dramatic purpose of getting into trouble so she can be rescued later? No.

Is/are the woman companion(s) captured? Everyone's captured. Again.

Does the Doctor/a man companion/any other man have to rescue the woman companion(s) from peril? The men have to defend the women from bandits, so...?

Is/are the woman companion's/s' first/only reaction(s) to peril gratuitous screaming? Susan does scream for her Grandfather when Tegana grabs her but that's reasonable I think.

Does a woman companion go into hysterics over something reasonably minor? Nope.

Is a woman 'spared' the ordeal of having to do/witness something unpleasant by a man who makes a decision on her behalf/keeps her deliberately ignorant? No.

Does a man automatically disbelieve or belittle something a woman (companion) says happened to her? Not directly but Marco continues to disbelieve any evidence presented to him against Tegana from last week.

Does a man talk over a woman or talk about a woman as though she isn't there? Probably some talking-over from Marco.

Does the woman companion have to be calmed/comforted by the Doctor/a man companion/a man? No.

Is a woman the first/only person to be (most gratuitously) menaced by the episode's antagonist(s)? Susan and Tegana.

Is a man shamed into doing/not doing something because the alternative is a woman doing/not doing something? No.

Does the woman companion come up with a plan? Ian comes up with the wine-related plan, but it's Ping-Cho who comes up with and executes Operation Tardis Key.

Does the woman companion do something stupid/banal/weird which inspires a man to be a Man with a Plan? Nope.

Does a woman come up with a theory and is it ridiculed by the Doctor/a man? Just a hangover from last week.

Does a woman call the Doctor out on his bullshit? No. The Doctor is at his sassy best this week.

Does a woman get to be a badass? Ping-Cho is a Quiet Badass. Like a Quiet Bat Person but better.

Is the young, strong, straight, white male lead the person most often in control of the situation? Yes.

Is there past/future/alien sexism? Marco.

Does a 'present'-day character call anybody out on past/future/alien sexism? Ish.

Did a woman write/direct/produce this episode? No/No/Yes.

Verdict

This episode is all about my new (Br)OTP and I'm so glad. Their friendship is beautiful and Ping-Cho is my favourite serial-specific character to date. She's probably the bravest person in this whole serial, if only for the reason that, unlike Team Tardis, she can't just fly away from the consequences of her actions here. She could get into real trouble for stealing the Tardis key for Susan, and she knows that in giving Team Tardis a way of getting home she's denying herself something beautiful, but she still does it. And she calls Susan a wicked goldfish, which is my new favourite thing. Moreover, as I've said, she's a stark contrast to Marco, who allows his desire to return home to justify the fact that he is denying Team Tardis the chance to return to their homes. He can't see the irony of what he's doing. The Doctor gets to be so very, very sassy this episode and I appreciate it mightily. It's also something of a comeuppance for him, as now he gets to feel what it's like to be essentially kidnapped. He should thank his lucky stars Babs and Ian aren't planning to hold him hostage until they get home. Speaking of the two humans, it's more of an Ian-heavy episode what with his exploding bamboo antics and general action stuff. Barbara doesn't get to do much except notice how attached Susan is to Ping-Cho, slag Marco off behind his back, and oh yeah attempt to use her body as a human shield during the bandit attack. Which is commendable, I must say. Next episode it looks like we're going to meet Kublai Khan at last! Though how they're going to spin out Team Tardis's predicament for another two whole episodes is anyone's guess. 

Series 1 Episode 17: The Wall of Lies

Serial: Marco Polo

Episode: 4 (The Wall of Lies)

Doctor: William Hartnell

Companions: Barbara, Ian, and Susan

Writer: John Lucarotti

Director: John Crockett
Producer: Verity Lambert
Original Air Date: 14/03/1964

TRUE FRIENDS ARE ALWAYS TOGETHER IN SPIRIT (and other stories)

In which Marco is the worst, Ian steps up, Babs has a rough time dealing with the full asshattery of the Polo-led Patriarchy, the Doctor sings to himself, and Ping-Cho and Susan continue to melt my heart with their Anne of Green Gables antics.

So, to recap, Susan, Ping-Cho, and the Doctor are in the Cave of Five Hundred Eyes when Susan becomes convinced that two of those eyes actually moved. How alarming.

Hey girl, I heard you like jumpscares...

Meanwhile, Ian and Marco have caught up with Chenchu, who tells them everyone apart from them has now fucked off to the Cave of Five Hundred Eyes. Marco is pissed off and tries to appeal to Ian as a fellow Reasonable White Guy: ‘When will your companions realise I know what I'm talking about when I say it's dangerous to wander about at night?’ Ian, however, who is comparing favourably with Marco at the moment, tells him ‘you can be angry later’, and wants to get on with the rescuing part already.

Back in the cave, the Doctor is upholding the great Whovian tradition of not believing anything a woman says about something she’s seen moving in a dark scary place. Enter Tegana, asking what they think they’re doing here. The Doctor tell him they’re looking for Babs and have found her handkerchief to prove she’s somewhere about. Tegana tries to spook the Doctor with stories of the caves being full of evil spirits; the Doctor laughs at the superstitious native.

Enter Ian! They all yell each other’s names for a bit. Team Doctor shows Ian the handkerchief, which he recognises as Barbara’s. Are her handkerchiefs really that distinctive that everyone recognises them right away or do they have mad Othello handkerchief-divining skills?

Thou Wall, O Wall, O sweet and lovely Wall...

Tegana tries to scare them with stuff about evil spirits again, and the Doctor scoffs at him in a thoroughly obnoxious manner. Ping-Cho, however, points out that Susan did see the eyes in one of the faces move. Ian, in what I’m going to claim is a moment of actual character development from him, appears to have learned from his experience of not believing shit Barbara says and immediately asks Susan which face it was. YES IAN.

Tegana loudly entreats the spirits to depart, which I’m assuming is code for ‘WARRIOR BUDDIES GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN’. Ian, however, has seen the eyes move, too, and works out that there’s a room behind the wall with a secret door in it. They find the opening mechanism and…

…OH CRIKEY Babs is behind it having a knife held to her throat! Susan screams in horror as Ian and Marco rush in to do manly things. According to the transcript, it’s Tegana who kills the guy about to open Barbara’s throat, which is some deep cover. Ian unties Barbara, who is finally allowed to speak, and you really can’t blame her for sounding harrowed as fuck when she tells Ian ‘they played dice to see who’d kill me [. . .] and he won’. Babs, that is fucking horrifying and I hope that when this episode is eventually found it confirms you are getting some quality hugs for your trouble. Good voice acting anyway, guys.

The derp is strong with this one.

Later on, Marco and Tegana are having chats in which Tegana is definitely not trying to pull a Gollum and convince Marco that the fat hobbit Team Tardis will set them against one another with lies. Hasn’t Susan already won Ping-Cho from his side? Enter Team Tardis. Marco gets a few token courtesies out of the way before being a weapons-grade nob to Barbara:

POLO: How are you feeling?
BARBARA: A little bit shaky.
POLO: You realise you're most fortunate to be alive.
BARBARA: Yes, I know.
POLO: Why did you go to the cave? You know my rule about obtaining permission to leave here.

What a colossal bellend. Hey Babs, how are you after nearly being murdered? Well COUNT YOURSELF LUCKY YOU’RE ALIVE and ANYWAY IT’S YOUR FAULT FOR EXERCISING INDEPENDENT THOUGHT. Kill him with fire.

Ian, however, steps up to the plate at this point. It really does seem as though he’s taken the whole ‘better start being a better ally’ thing to heart, and gives her some much needed moral support:

IAN: Tell him Barbara.
BARBARA: I followed Tegana there.
TEGANA: (Shocked.) Me? I've only been there once, and you were there when I arrived.
BARBARA: But that's not true! I followed you there.
TEGANA: I have only been there once!
BARBARA: But why would I lie? I was almost killed.
POLO: Be quiet!

OH FUCK OFF MARCO. Also Ian, you need to finish what you start in terms of backing Bae. Marco is flat-out refusing to believe her word against Tegana’s and while it’s cool that you’re letting Barbara fight her own battles, you really ought to call this bastard out on his behaviour. It’s also a testament to how shaken Babs still is that she does not at this point verbally eviscerate Marco. Tegana essentially tells Marco ‘I told you so’, and Marco decides to order Ping-Cho to stay away from Susan like he’s Diana Barry’s mum or something only with more yelling ‘OBEY ME!!!’ and ugh someone punch this guy. I don’t care how sad he is about it in his diary afterwards, he can go and do one.

Later on, at another service station in Lan-Chow, Babs and Ian are chatting to the Dotor about his progress on the circuit. They are gorgeously supportive of his efforts. Then this happens:

DOCTOR: Well, with a bit more time, and a lot of luck, I should say about another night.
BARBARA: But that's marvellous Doctor!
DOCTOR: The following evening will even be better!
BARBARA: And that's when we say good-bye to Marco Polo.
DOCTOR: Yes, and a jolly good riddance.
BARBARA: Well, I shall be jolly glad to leave here. In fact, the only regrets I'll have will be for Susan.
DOCTOR: What do you mean?
BARBARA: Oh, I think she and Ping-Cho are very fond of each other. It's a pity they've been kept apart so much.

It’s all jolly this and jolly that and OH how wonderful that Babs continues to display actual emotional intelligence and brings up Susan and Ping-Cho. I think for all her stern exterior in the classroom, she would’ve been excellent at pastoral care and can clearly see what we’re all seeing which is that Susan really benefits from having an actual friend her own age to talk to. The Doctor, however, isn’t so keen: ‘That Chinese child makes me nervous.’

Oh, wait, pitchforks away, he’s talking about Ping-Cho knowing about the second Tardis key. Phew.

Meanwhile, in Ping-Cho’s room, Susan has come to pay her new tragic BFF a visit. Ping-Cho is sad because ‘this journey, in spite of all the dangers, was the happiest time of my life, until Tun-Huang’. OH PING-CHO. Susan wishes they could prove Tegana had been in the Cave of Five Hundred Eyes before; Ping-Cho says it doesn’t matter because of course she unlike Messr. Dickhead Marco knows that Susan will be leaving soon and OH MY TRAGIC GIRLS YOU ARE TOO MUCH. Then this happens:

PING-CHO: Will you go home?
(SUSAN remains silent.)
PING-CHO: Will you say good-bye to me before you leave?
SUSAN: Of course I will!
PING-CHO: Even if it is very late?
SUSAN: No matter what time of night it is.
(SUSAN and PING-CHO hug each other.)
PING-CHO: Hey - this will cheer you up!
SUSAN: What?
PING-CHO: I've forgotten hearing anything about the key.

OH MY POOR HEART! Ping-Cho is an absolute cinnamon roll and her humour and loyalty are just the perfect complement to Susan’s earnest devotion. They are so Anne and Diana it’s unreal.

But OH WHAT’S THIS? Tegana has been listening at the door! OH NO I BET HE’S GOING TO TELL MARCO ABOUT THE KEY AND MAKE TEAM TARDIS THINK PING-CHO BETRAYED THEM AND I WON’T BE ABLE TO COPE.

Back to Marco’s diary: they’re at another service station called Sinju. I want a New Who story set at actual modern-day motorway service stations but with I dunno monsters or something. Tegana’s going into town and sounding pretty shifty about it.

Meanwhile, Ping-Cho has had a brainwave and tells Susan and Marco that she can prove Tegana lied:

PING-CHO: Messr Marco, do you remember Tegana's reply when Miss Wright said she had followed him to the Cave of Five Hundred Eyes?
POLO: Yes, he said he'd never been there before.
PING-CHO: He lied Messr Marco.
POLO: You bring a very serious charge, Ping-Cho - I hope you have proof.
PING-CHO: When he came into the cave, Susan's grandfather showed him Miss Wright's handkerchief, saying we had found it over there. And the old lord pointed to a dark corner of the cave. And do you remember what he said? He asked if we had found it in the passageway.
POLO: Well?
PING-CHO: If he had never been to the cave before, how could he know that a dark corner was a passageway?

BOOM! Oh but wait, I forgot who we’re dealing with. Marco Shithead Polo, as though trying to get himself written into the OED’s definition of rape culture, brushes Ping-Cho’s proof aside:

POLO: This is your proof? You call this evidence?
PING-CHO: Yes Messr Marco.
POLO: And on these grounds you dare to call the Warlord Tegana a liar? You foolish child, how dare you make such a reckless accusation. Believe me, it will take much more than this to shake my confidence in Tegana.

OH MY GOD I WANT TO SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD.

In town, Tegana has met up with Acomat, one of Noghai’s cronies from back in the cave. He’s not happy that Tegana hasn’t killed them all. I feel like I’ve missed something here – what happened to the poison? Actually I don’t care. Let’s move on. Anyway, when the caravan passes through the bamboo forest, Tegana plans to silence the guard, give Acomat the signal with a torch, and then Acomat can slaughter them all on the sly and steal the magician’s caravan (the Tardis). He wants to let Marco die ‘like…umm…an old woman in her bed’. Sexist. The Doctor, meanwhile, he would kill with a stake through the heart. Good luck with that.

Meanwhile, back in Sinju, Babs and the Doctor are sneaking into the courtyard so the Doctor can put the finishing touches to the Tardis circuit.

Stealthy as balls.

I love that these two are now getting paired up occasionally. Babs is on lookout…and oh what rotten luck! Just as the Doctor is entering the Tardis, that pesky Tegana returns from town and sees him! Babs sees Tegana running off to snitch on the Doctor, and rather than alert the Doctor, she immediately runs off in search of Ian.

Meanwhile, the Doctor is in his Tardis, singing to himself.

Babs has found Ian and told him about the Tegana situation. Ian tells Babs to get the Doctor out of the ship then hide; he’s going to try a bluff to turn the tables on Tegana. Sorry, Ian, could you be a bit more vague?

Meanwhile, the Doctor is still in his Tardis, still singing to himself.

Ian has bumped into Marco and is bullshitting like there’s no tomorrow. Marco is a sulky fuck. Then this happens:

IAN: Oh come on Marco, we're friends aren't we?
POLO: We were.

Oh boo fucking hoo. I'm sure Ian is devo'd.

IAN: Well, why this sudden change? And tell me, why separate Susan and Ping-Cho?
POLO: Susan is a bad influence.
IAN: Oh, you can't really mean that.
POLO: Ping-Cho's first loyalty is to me, yet she backs you against Tegana.
IAN: Perhaps that's because we were telling the truth. It is possible, you know.
POLO: Let me tell you something Ian. Tegana is a special emissary of Noghai on his way to talk peace with Kublai Khan. He's a very important man. You are mysterious travellers from some far-off land I know nothing about. Now, if you were in my position, a servant of Kublai Khan, whose word would you take?
IAN: Well, I should keep an open mind.

Oh wind your neck in, Marco. Ian’s teacher-talking-to-a-difficult-parent skills are somewhat lacking, though his passive-aggressive comment about keeping an open mind is beaut. Ian, I like you this week.

He's just not that into you.

Then Tegana arrives and tells Marco the Doctor is in the Tardis. Marco flips his shit. Ian is still winging it: ‘Well…er…why don’t we go outside and have a look?’

Oh Ian, you’re so undevious.

It seems Babs has been utterly unsuccessful in her task, as she’s nowhere to be seen and Marco catches the Doctor red-handed as he comes out of the Tardis. Ian yells for the Doctor to shut the Tardis door quickly, which he does. Phew.

Marco tells the Doctor to hand over the key or he’ll take it by force. The Doctor calls his bluff, and the key is indeed wrestled from him. Ian, why the lack of fisticuffs in defence of your crew? And where is Barbara? The Doctor tells Marco that he needs more than a key to get into the Tardis; he needs knowledge, and the Doctor would rather let Marco wreck the Tardis before giving it up. USE THAT CANTANKEROUSNESS, DOCTOR. Marco invokes the gold seal of Kublai Khan and seizes the caravan in his name; ‘any resistance to this decree is instantly punishable by death’. The Doctor calls him a ‘poor, pathetic, stupid savage’. I concur.

Team 100% Done with Marco's Shit

After more of Marco whinging in his diary, we check in with Team Tardis in their tent in the bamboo forest. Ian is hacked off and smashes a plate on the ground to vent his feelings. The Tardis is all fixed but Polo has both keys. The Doctor complains about ‘that wretched child’; Susan leaps to Ping-Cho’s defence. Go Susan. Ian can’t be arsed with bickering over whether or not Ping-Cho snitched and says they should capture Polo and hold him hostage. Babs points out they’re hopelessly outnumbered; Ian says they’re only outnumbered by day. How…? Oh never mind. Anyway, the Doctor backs Ian’s wing-and-a-prayer plan that isn’t really a plan, and Ian uses the broken plate to cut his way out of the tent and ‘deal with’ the guard. I hope he doesn’t mean ‘stab him with a plate’. The Doctor is gleeful, telling Susan not to worry: ‘I think by the time I've finished with that gentleman, he'll only be too glad to let us go.’

DOCTOR YOU SCARE ME SOMETIMES.

Outside the tent, Ian is creeping up on the guard, all stealthy-like. He grabs him from behind and…OH BLIMEY! The guard is already dead! Stabbed through the heart by Tegana (we assume)!

WELL COLOUR ME SUSPENSIFIED, DOES THIS MEAN TEGANA’S CHUM IS ALREADY IN THE CAMP POISED TO MURDER THEM IN THEIR BEDS? WILL SAID CHUM AT LEAST GET ROUND TO STABBING STUPID MARCO IN THE FACE BEFORE HE IS INEVITABLY THWARTED BY TEAM TARDIS? WILL SUSAN AND PING-CHO EVER BE PERMITTED TO RESUME THEIR BFF-NESS? WILL IAN BE A BETTER ALLY FROM NOW ON? WILL BARBARA EVER GET A CHANCE TO KICK MARCO INTO TOUCH? AND WILL SHE EVER BE ABLE TO TEACH THIS PERIOD OF HISTORY WITHOUT REMEMBERING THAT SOME GUYS ONCE PLAYED DICE FOR THE PRIVILEGE OF MURDERING HER IN A CAVE?

Summary (as applicable to this episode)

Does it pass the Bechdel test? Susan and Ping-Cho continue to ace this requirement.

Is the gaze problematic? Again with the silently-menaced Babs. Though it's difficult to tell from the telesnaps.

Is/are the woman companion(s) dressed 'for the Dads'? No.

Does a woman fall over/twist her ankle (whilst running from peril)? No.

Does a woman wander off alone for the sole dramatic purpose of getting into trouble so she can be rescued later? No.

Is/are the woman companion(s) captured? Everyone's captured. Again.

Does the Doctor/a man companion/any other man have to rescue the woman companion(s) from peril? And how.

Is/are the woman companion's/s' first/only reaction(s) to peril gratuitous screaming? Susan does scream first ask questions later a couple of times.

Does a woman companion go into hysterics over something reasonably minor? Not at all. Barbara's breakdown after nearly having been butchered is entirely reasonable.

Is a woman 'spared' the ordeal of having to do/witness something unpleasant by a man who makes a decision on her behalf/keeps her deliberately ignorant? No.

Does a man automatically disbelieve or belittle something a woman (companion) says happened to her? YES PLEASE MAKE IT STOP. Ian redeems himself in this regard, though.

Does a man talk over a woman or talk about a woman as though she isn't there? Probably some talking-over from Marco.

Does the woman companion have to be calmed/comforted by the Doctor/a man companion/a man? Yes, though I'd want a hug if I'd just been held at knifepoint, too.

Is a woman the first/only person to be (most gratuitously) menaced by the episode's antagonist(s)? Yup. Barbara.

Is a man shamed into doing/not doing something because the alternative is a woman doing/not doing something? No.

Does the woman companion come up with a plan? Ping-Cho comes up with a plan to convince Marco of Tegana's lying ways.

Does the woman companion do something stupid/banal/weird which inspires a man to be a Man with a Plan? Nope.

Does a woman come up with a theory and is it ridiculed by the Doctor/a man? Yes. And yes. Marco I hate you quite a lot right now.

Does a woman call the Doctor out on his bullshit? No.

Does a woman get to be a badass? No.

Is the young, strong, straight, white male lead the person most often in control of the situation? Yes.

Is there past/future/alien sexism? Marco.

Does a 'present'-day character call anybody out on past/future/alien sexism? Ish.

Did a woman write/direct/produce this episode? No/No/Yes.

Verdict

I hate Marco Polo (the character) more and more. He really is the worst. I also don't like how much we're being steered towards the 'well he's a nice guy really' end of things by his diary entries. Where's Tegana's diary? Granted, Tegana actually wants to kill Team Tardis, but Marco is full of colonial finders-keepers bullshit that he justifies to himself by not actually killing anyone but just being a bully and a tyrant and a dick to the women (whom he seems to make a point of disbelieving) and the elderly. Thank goodness Ian is no longer sucking up to him; Marco may think he has an ally of sorts in Ian (up to the point where he tries and fails to pull the wool over his eyes about the Doctor's secret repairs), but much like a fluffier, less manpain-fuelled version of Severus Snape, the moment VoldeMarco started being a shit to Barbara, Ian was the Doctor's man through and through. He's a much better ally this episode, and it's good to know that he's starting to make the effort to have Babs's back in terms of moral support and not just being physically protective of her as a means of fulfilling his 'manly' duties. In other words, he's becoming a better friend. Barbara has a shitty time of it this week, having been through a genuinely horrible ordeal only to find her word counts for fuck all with Marco when she is brave enough to speak out against Tegana. It's good to see her relationship with the Doctor developing, though, and just as she was able to make Susan see her grandfather's point of view the other week, so this week she's able to bring the Doctor's attention to how important Ping-Cho's friendship is for Susan. Susan and Ping-Cho break my heart with their bosom friends thing, and Ping-Cho is such a sad and quietly gutsy character the way she sticks up for Susan, keeps her secrets even though they will only hasten Susan's departure, and is, like Barbara, brave enough to speak out against Tegana even though she knows her friendship with Susan can't last and she'll have to deal with the consequences of defying Messr Marco long after Susan has gone. A good week for kindred spirits. AND WE'VE PASSED THE HALF-WAY MARK WITH THIS SERIAL!