Series 1 Episode 19: Mighty Kublai Khan

Serial: Marco Polo
Episode: 6 (Mighty Kublai Khan)
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companions: Barbara, Ian, and Susan

Writer: John Lucarotti
Director: Waris Hussein
Producer: Verity Lambert
Original Air Date: 28/03/1964

MARCO BROLO (and other stories)

In which Ian just isn't looking for bromance right now, Ping-Cho does a runner, Barbara and Susan go on record as being Not OK with marrying off a 16-year-old to a septuagenarian, and the Doctor bonds with the ruler of the Mongol Empire over being old as balls.

We begin where we left off: with Susan in a chokehold courtesy of the ever-pesky Tegana. Enter Ian, telling Tegana to let her go – to let them all go – seeing as how he hates Marco anyway so it oughtn’t to be any skin off his nose whether Team Tardis stays or goes. Ah but Ian, you don’t know about Tegana’s designs on the Tardis yet. It’d be a good appeal if you weren’t in the dark on this point. Anyway, Tegana tells Ian to get the others out of the Tardis.

ENOUGH with the women held at knifepoint already

Enter the Doctor, and he’s fucking livid. Enter also Marco, at which point Tegana snitches on our would-be escapees. The Doctor tells Marco to tell Tegana to ‘take his hands the fuck off my grandchild’; Marco wants the Tardis key first; the Doctor complies. Poor Susan. Tegana makes as though to murder Team Tardis but is prevented from doing so by Marco. Because we’re supposed to think Marco is a Nice Guy.

Susan apologises to the Doctor; refreshingly for this serial, he waves this aside, and tells her that all that matters is that she’s safe. I have no trouble believing that this incarnation of the Doctor would stab his human companions in the face without hesitation were it a condition for Susan’s continued safety. Again my curiosity as to what made him leave Gallifrey with Susan is RAGING.

Then this happens:

POLO: Where did you get the key, Doctor?
PING-CHO: Messr Marco...
IAN: (Hurriedly.) I took it.
POLO: You did?
IAN: Yes, I searched your room last night.
POLO: (Thoughtfully.) I see.
IAN: What are you going to do about it?
POLO: Tomorrow morning at dawn, we ride to Shang-Tu. When next you see your caravan, it will be at the great Khan's summer palace, and that will make an end of it.

YES IAN! I mean yes it’s all part of his hero complex, but I’m so glad Ian isn’t hanging Ping-Cho out to dry, because let’s face it had the Doctor spoken for Team Tardis at this point it’s entirely likely that he would have dobbed her in if it meant a better chance of getting the keys back. Though possibly my favourite part of this exchange is Ian calling Marco’s bluff and Marco’s response essentially being ‘I’m going to do literally nothing about it because I was always going to give the object that is both your home and your only means of getting home to my boss anyway’. Also I’m pretty sure the subtext of all Marco’s interactions with Ian is ‘PLEASE LIKE ME AND BE MY SPECIAL FRIEND ONLY OTHER YOUNG WHITE GUY IN THIS STORY’.

Marco messed with the wrong crew

Anyway, Marco is writing in his journal again because he’s Billy No Mates. Everyone has had a day of 'hard riding' (snigger) and Babs and Ian are having the chats at another Service Station. The Doctor still hasn’t got over his ride (Ian’s words not mine) and Babs reckons they’ll not get him on another horse ‘as long as he lives’, just to clarify that we are indeed talking about horseriding for the benefit of smut-peddlers like Yours Truly.

Barbara has clearly picked up on the fact that Marco wants to be Kindred Spirits with Ian, too, because she designates him official Marco-whisperer:

BARBARA: Listen, we need the TARDIS. You must talk to Marco.
IAN: Talk to Marco! I've done nothing else but talk to Marco.

And who should enter at that very moment but Marco himself? Babs is subtle as a brick:

BARBARA: (Hurriedly.) Oh, Marco, Ian wants a word with you. I'm feeling a bit tired, so I think I'll go off to bed.

*BARBARA OUT*

IAN: (Shouting after BARBARA.) But... just a minute... Barbara, come here!
POLO: Well?
IAN: Marco, you must give us back the TARDIS.

The Barbara Wright Method

It’s a nice moment and I think maybe one of the lighter scenes we’ve seen between the two since they spent all that time being terribly serious about terribly serious things on Skaro and the like. We get a glimpse of the Barbara we met right at the beginning of the show whose first exchange with Ian was full of humour and snark. Now she’s throwing him under the bus with Marco and it cracks me up that she’s deliberately leaving them to have a Man Talk that nobody wants except possibly Marco because his only friend is his own handwriting.

Anyway, Ian (bless him) has another fruitless stab at getting Marco to understand that yes Marco may need the Tardis to get home but so does Team Tardis. Ian decides to try honesty and tell Marco that he and his companions are actually time travellers. It goes down like a lead balloon – somewhere between Alex Drake confessing to Gene Hunt that she’s not actually from the 1980s in Life on Mars and Merlin confessing to Arthur that he’s magic in Merlin, only without the heart-wrenching aspect because nobody in the world is invested in the relationship between Ian and Marco except possibly Marco.

Rather pathetically, the thing that makes Marco believe Ian to be lying to him is the fact that Ian lied about having stolen the Tardis key:

POLO: Where did you get that?
IAN: From your room.
POLO: Whereabouts? Where had I hidden it?
(IAN remains silent.)
POLO: Come Ian, surely you know where you found it?
(IAN continues to remain silent.)
POLO: You didn't find it, did you? It was given to you, and you lied about finding it to protect Ping-Cho. Ian, don't you see it doesn't matter to me why you lied. What is important is the fact that you are capable of lying.
IAN: So you don't believe me when I say I came from another time.
POLO: If I did Ian, I would give you the key TO MY HEART.

As I just said, nobody cares about your faux bromance (fauxmance?) except you, Marco.

But OH here’s something we DO care about: Ping-Cho has heard everything and now she’s checking in on a sleeping Susan TO SAY GOODBYE TO HER WHILE SHE SLUMBERS. NO, PING-CHO! I MEAN YES, PING-CHO, BUT AT LEAST WAIT UNTIL YOUR NEW FRIENDS GET THE TARDIS BACK THEN RUN AWAY WITH SUSAN AND HAVE BEAUTIFUL ADVENTURES IN TIME AND SPACE AND KEEP PET GOLDFISH IN YOUR BEDROOM! Ahem.

Ooh babe I hate to go.

The next morning, Ping-Cho has been missed. After some prompting from Babs, Susan suggests her Bosom Friend may have tried to get back home to Samarkand. Which is Very Far Away. Ian offers to go after her and bring her back, ostensibly because Kublai Khan will be Very Angry with Marco if they arrive at Shang-Tu without her. When Marco asks Ian what he ‘hope[s] to gain from this gesture’, Ian gives him what I am going to assume is a Babs-worthy Drop Dead Look because he doesn’t dignify Marco with a response. As Ian leaves, Babs consoles Marco by telling him that Ian will indeed bring Ping-Cho back and isn’t to be underestimated. Tegana snarks in the background.

Meanwhile, Ping-Cho has arrived back in Cheng-Ting, where Kuiju the Mirrorverse Version of Monkey Guy from Raiders of the Lost Ark is stealing the Tardis for Tegana by means of false documents. Wang-Lo is, apparently, easily fooled. Ping-Cho approaches Kuiju to ask whether his caravan is going anywhere near Samarkand and is promptly conned out of all her money. Wang-Lo tells her she’s an idiot and has just recognised her as a runaway from Marco’s caravan when who should show up but Ian, who is immediately available for hugs.

Embracing fatherhood

Then this happens:

IAN: Ping-Cho, why did you do it?
PING-CHO: The key... and I can't marry a man old enough to be my grandfather. I can't. Please don't take me back. Please...
IAN: I must Ping-Cho. I promised Marco.

Er…IAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? I don’t care how unhappy you sound about it, you should 100% do the right thing and make sure the kid gets home ok and not take her back to a marriage she doesn’t want that looks extra creepy to an audience that will automatically make the connection between Ping-Cho/Random Old Guy and Susan/Doctor in terms of the age gap. It seems Marco isn’t the only one unwilling to sacrifice their chance of getting home in return for someone else getting home; perhaps he and Marco are Kindred Spirits after all...

Anyway, Ian doesn’t have time to do any soul-searching because he has now realised from Wang-Lo’s chit-chat that THE TARDIS HAS BEEN STOLEN! SHOCK HORROR!

Lucky Ian and Ping-Cho are here, tbh.

After another journal entry in which Marco wonders how Ian is getting on, he and Tegana have a blazing row: Tegana wants to go after Ping-Cho himself, but Marco isn’t keen because it would look bad if Tegana as Noghai’s representative didn’t arrive at the summer palace with the rest of the party. Then this happens:

TEGANA: Ping-Cho could be anywhere; the chances of finding her are very small. But Ian knows where the caravan is... he knows exactly where it is.
POLO: You're wrong Tegana. I think I know something of Ian's character...

Marco just…just stop. You’re right, but you’re embarrassing yourself.

Enter Susan and Babs, giggling about something which might be the Doctor’s horseback antics but hey insert headcanon here. Tegana tries to rain on their parade by telling them Ian isn’t back yet and must have failed to find Ping-Cho; Babs, displaying the kind of blind faith in Ian that later companions usually place in the Doctor, tells him confidently they just haven’t given Ian enough time yet. It’s part of a trend in their time aboard the Tardis that the humans, despite being entirely comfortable acting independently of one another, still see each other as the one constant in their batshit adventures, which for Ian manifests itself as losing his shit every time Babs is Missing Presumed in Danger until he finds her and for Babs manifests itself as being in denial about Ian being MPiD and generally getting on with stuff until he eventually shows up. Coping mechanisms are weird.

Anyway, Tegana tells Marco Team Tardis is way too sympathetic to Ping-Cho to have gone after her only to bring her back to be married off, and that this means Ian’s motives can’t have been true. This seems to be confirmed when Susan says she’s glad Ping-Cho hasn’t been found. Oh Susan. Then this happens:

POLO: One moment. Are you opposed to Ping-Cho's marriage?
BARBARA: (Hesitating.) Look, why are we...
POLO: Answer my question please.
BARBARA: Yes I am - completely opposed to it.
TEGANA: How very unusual for you and Ian to disagree.
BARBARA: It isn't unusual at all. We don't agree about everything. And in this case, we're in complete agreement - all of us.
POLO: This marriage has the Khan's blessing. Am I to understand that you oppose it? Am I?
BARBARA: Yes.
POLO: All four of you?
BARBARA*: Yes, all four of us.

*This sounds a bit more like Susan to me but the transcript says ‘Barbara’ so Barbara it is.

BARBARA SPEAKS FOR TEAM TARDIS. Also Tegana is the second person to try to needle Barbara about Ian in this manner: the first was Ganatus on Skaro, who asked her mockingly whether she always did ‘what Ian says’, to which she rather curtly replied in the negative; now Tegana is trying to provoke Barbara by implying that it’s unusual for her to have her own opinion on anything, and again Barbara is having none of it. It’s interesting that this is the way in which people try to undermine her and that as a means of ruffling her feathers it usually works, however apparently calm and dignified her response.

Ladies, your Withering Disdain game is strong.

Also, can we take a moment to appreciate the quiet bravery it takes for both Susan and Barbara to stand up to and assert their opinions in front of two men who have consistently belittled their opinions, called them liars, and – in Tegana’s case – been responsible either directly or indirectly for threatening them with actual bodily harm? You are both bloody heroes.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, Team Tardis’s opposition to Ping-Cho’s marriage has convinced Marco that Tegana is right and that he can’t be sure Ian hasn’t just gone back to reclaim the Tardis; he lets Tegana go after him.

Meanwhile Ian is in an understandable flap over the Tardis. He reckons the thieves will have taken it along an older road that’s no longer used; Ping-Cho suggests the Karakorum Road.

'Ian, I got this.'

Ian has a brief moment of twentieth-centurysplaining when he rather endearingly appears to dredge up a behind-the-scenes History lesson from Babs and points out that Karakorum is the capital of the Mongol Empire. Ping-Cho, who’s actually from this time, corrects him:

PING-CHO: Not any more. Not since the Khan built his palace at Peking.
IAN: Yes, but it'll still be an important place. I mean caravans will still go there.
PING-CHO: Karakorum was not a city of stone. It was just a collection of tents. When the Khan moved, the Mongols dispersed.
IAN: So the road isn't used any more?
PING-CHO: Never.
IAN: Then, that will be the answer!

Yes, Ian. It will.

Meanwhile, the others have arrived at the summer palace of Kublai Khan at Shang-Tu or Shangdu or Xanadu depending on whether you like to get your info from the transcripts, Wikipedia, or Samuel Taylor Coleridge. There’s some dialogue that’s transparently educational, and then the Vizier tells everyone they need to kow-tow when the Khan appears. The Doctor, however, who is super saddle-sore and has a bad back, can only make it to his knees.

Marco's true face out of which he does most of his talking is revealed.

Enter Mighty Kublai Khan…who it turns out is a gout-ridden old grump. He notices the Doctor’s physical discomfort, asks hopefully if he’s a physician upon learning his name, and gets sassed for his trouble. Clearly they shall be best friends. Oh and Noghai’s army is now camped at Karakorum so they all need to ride to Peking, which Wikipedia informs me was called Khanbaliq or Dadu at the time. Tegana has some explaining to do.

Upon learning that he will have to get on another horse, the Doctor cries out in anguish, sasses the Vizier, and then sasses Kublai Khan again:

VIZIER: The Master of the World has a carriage of state.
DOCTOR: (Muttering.) Well, well, he's lucky... he won't be jogged about...
THE KHAN: (Chuckling.) Tomorrow, you will ride in state, with us.
DOCTOR: Thank you.

Indeed it seems the Khan is rather taken with the Doctor, because they hobble off together grumbling about their aches and pains:

THE KHAN: We have healing waters here which relieve my gout. Come... let us observe their effects upon your aches and pains.
DOCTOR: Very well... very well.
THE KHAN: Oh, what a trial old age is.
DOCTOR: It must be borne with dignity, sir.
THE KHAN: Oh, dignity... yes of course. Now, take my arm friend.

Dignity. Always dignity.

Susan thinks this is all hilarious. Marco says the Khan’s mad admin skills ought to command her respect. Or something. Barbara tells Marco they can’t leave without Ping-Cho and Ian; Marco tells her Tegana will bring them back; Barbara says WILL HE THO.

Meanwhile, on the Karakorum road, Ian and Ping-Cho are hiding in a bush, spying on Kuiju. Ping-Cho distracts him by jumping out of said bush and demanding her money back, and Ian takes the opportunity to disarm him and hold a dagger to his throat. WELL DONE TEAM. Ping-Cho gets her money back, and after a bit of threatening Kuiji grasses on Tegana…WHO APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE WITH A FUCK-OFF SWORD LIKE THAT OTHER GUY IN RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK ONLY I’LL BET IAN DOESN’T HAVE A GUN IN HIS POCKET YE GODS TEGANA WHY MUST YOU TURN UP LIKE A BAD PENNY AT THE END OF EVERY EPISODE?

SUFFERING CATS WILL TEGANA MAKE MINCEMEAT OF IAN AND PING-CHO? WILL IAN REALLY TAKE HER BACK TO BE MARRIED TO SOME ANCIENT RANDOMER? IS THE REASON BARBARA AND SUSAN ARE GIGGLING TOGETHER BECAUSE THEY’RE PLOTTING TO MURDER MARCO IN HIS SLEEP OR HAVE THEY JUST FOUND WHERE MARCO KEEPS THE WINE? WILL THE DOCTOR AND KHAN’S BLOSSOMING BFF-NESS RESULT IN TEAM TARDIS GETTING THEIR HOME BACK? CAN PING-CHO BE A PERMANENT ADDITION PLEASE?

Summary (as applicable to this episode)

Does it pass the Bechdel test? Er...oh no not this again! By the skin of its teeth and only if you're clutching at straws. Which I absolutely am. Susan and Barbara are in the same conversations and they've been chatting and giggling together but I'd hardly call it conversation. Also no Susan/Ping-Cho chats this week. Sadface.

Is the gaze problematic? Not as far as I can tell.

Is/are the woman companion(s) dressed 'for the Dads'? No.

Does a woman fall over/twist her ankle (whilst running from peril)? No.

Does a woman wander off alone for the sole dramatic purpose of getting into trouble so she can be rescued later? Not really, though Ping-Cho runs away so that Ian can discover that the Tardis is missing.

Is/are the woman companion(s) captured? Susan. And then everyone's captured. Again.

Does the Doctor/a man companion/any other man have to rescue the woman companion(s) from peril? Ian has to go and get Ping-Cho back but it's hardly a rescue mission, more a recovering lost property mission. Sigh.

Is/are the woman companion's/s' first/only reaction(s) to peril gratuitous screaming? I'd scream if I were being half-throttled by a murderous warlord, so I wouldn't say gratuitous.

Does a woman companion go into hysterics over something reasonably minor? Nope.

Is a woman 'spared' the ordeal of having to do/witness something unpleasant by a man who makes a decision on her behalf/keeps her deliberately ignorant? No.

Does a man automatically disbelieve or belittle something a woman (companion) says happened to her? Not directly but Marco continues to disbelieve any evidence presented to him against Tegana from previous weeks.

Does a man talk over a woman or talk about a woman as though she isn't there? Not that I remember.

Does the woman companion have to be calmed/comforted by the Doctor/a man companion/a man? Susan gets a hug from her grandfather and Ping-Cho gets some Ian hugs but it's all pretty reasonable.

Is a woman the first/only person to be (most gratuitously) menaced by the episode's antagonist(s)? Susan and Tegana. Though it looks like Ian's for it as of the cliffhanger.

Is a man shamed into doing/not doing something because the alternative is a woman doing/not doing something? No.

Does the woman companion come up with a plan? Ping-Cho and Ian work stuff out together.

Does the woman companion do something stupid/banal/weird which inspires a man to be a Man with a Plan? Nope.

Does a woman come up with a theory and is it ridiculed by the Doctor/a man? Ian thinks he knows the political and geographical setup of the Mongol Empire better than Ping-Cho, but otherwise it's not so much ridicule this week as Marco continuing to be a general asshat.

Does a woman call the Doctor out on his bullshit? No. The Doctor is still at his sassy best this week.

Does a woman get to be a badass? Not so much.

Is the young, strong, straight, white male lead the person most often in control of the situation? Yes.

Is there past/future/alien sexism? Ping-Cho as property.

Does a 'present'-day character call anybody out on past/future/alien sexism? Yup. Babs opposes Ping-Cho's marriage.

Did a woman write/direct/produce this episode? No/No/Yes.

Verdict

I wasn't particularly gripped by this episode, and Marco 'Nice Guy' Polo continues to get on my nerves. Were he a less objectionable character, I'd be more invested in his doomed bromance with Ian, but if I'm brutally honest I just enjoy the way everyone is entirely willing to exploit Marco's ongoing and painfully obvious angst - even Babs. Speaking of which, her 'Ian you should talk to Marco hey Marco Ian wants to talk to you bye Ian' scene is hysterical. Ping-Cho breaks my heart again, but there are no beautiful chats with Susan this episode because Ping-Cho's too busy taking on Mirrorverse Eyepatch Guy with Ian. I just want Ping-Cho to be a series regular - is that too much to ask? The Doctor continues to up the sass content of the show, which I adore, and his new friendship with Kublai Khan is the best. Grumpy old men for the win. Next week I hope to Almighty Zarquon that Marco gets his comeuppance. Or at least another tongue-lashing from Barbara.