Episode: 3 (Five Hundred Eyes)
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companions: Barbara, Ian, and Susan
Writer: John Lucarotti
Director: Waris Hussein
Producer: Verity Lambert
Original Air Date: 07/03/1964
YOU'LL NEVER WALK ALONE...IF YOU'RE A WOMAN AND MARCO POLO HAS ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT (and other stories)
In which Baby Physics saves everyone's lives, I have my first sustained rant about victim blaming and rape culture, the etymology of the word 'assassin' is surprisingly Islamophobic, and we're yet to meet a nice Asian who isn't Ping-Cho.
We begin with Tegana still pouring water all over the floor in a combative manner. Marco’s journal takes over, in which everyone wonders what happened to Tegana.
Anyway, back in the caravan party, Ian is saying obvious things about the desert like ‘nothing but sand’. Meanwhile, in the Tardis, the Doctor is woken by dripping water! It’s streaming down the walls! The Doctor yells for Susan to get some cloth and cups before the ship heats up again in the sun. So the Tardis gets condensation now!? Or just because the circuit is out?
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| Marco does Hot Acting |
Susan and the Doctor rush out of the Tardis with a jug of water. Before the Doctor can explain about condensation, Marco goes apeshit, assuming the Doctor lied about their caravan not having any water in it. Then this happens:
DOCTOR: Chesterton, make him understand! It was condensation off the walls and I...THE DOCTOR GETS THE SCIENCE TEACHER TO EXPLAIN THE BABY SCIENCE TO THE THIRTEENTH-CENTURY GUY AND IT’S ADORABLE. And educational. Baby Science saves the day!
POLO: (Furious.) The old man lied to me!
IAN: Marco, you remember, last night it was cold. Bitterly cold, Marco. The outside of the caravan cooled, but the inside stayed warm - and so moisture formed on the inside. It's condensation, we just call it that... it's just a name.
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| Condensation meets condescension |
Everyone arrives at the oasis refreshed; there must’ve been a lot of condensation in the Tardis. Which cannot have been good for the machine. Tegana’s telling some cock-and-bull story about bandits and having had to wait in hiding all night. When Tegana says the ‘bandits’ were headed for Karakorum, Babs has another gorgeous nerdy moment, saying it ‘used to be to the north, on the great steppes’; Marco, rather patronisingly, says ‘it still is, Barbara’. I know it’s a time-traveller tenses gag, but since when has Marco been calling her Barbara? Presumptuous pup.
Later on, Team Tardis is discussing Tardis repairs. Barbara has mad detective skills and points out that Tegana’s bandit story is probably bullshit because ‘there’s no sign of a fire having been lit’. Marco shows up and tells the Doctor he has to hand over the Tardis keys in the morning. Because Marco is a nob. The Doctor continues to be uppity about his own ‘superior intellect’ and the fact that Marco isn’t deferring to it.
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| The Doctor is his own only fan right now. Get it? He's holding a fan. I'm hilarious. |
Marco’s journal entry tries to win us over to him by letting us know he feels really guilty about the whole Tardis thing. Nobody cares about your manpain, Marco.
Upon arrival in Tun-Huang, which according to the transcript is a ‘bustling way station’, Susan and Babs are super-impressed, and Babs is geeking out about the ‘cave of a thousand Buddhas’ that’s supposed to be nearby. Barbara would one hundred percent be the kind of tourist who spends her evenings on holiday reading through the several guide-books she brought with her and you will never take that headcanon away from me. I’m seeing a hotel bar, Ian wearing socks and sandals and holding a pint with an umbrella in it because of reasons and oblivious to the fact that the bartender is trying to flirt with him and trying to take candid snaps of Babs, and Babs giving him evil looks over the top of her DK Guide until he snatches it off her in what he thinks is a romcom-esque annoying-romantic gesture that she just finds annoying and gets an elbow in the ribs for his trouble.
Anyway, Marco joins in and asks Babs whether she’s ever heard of the Cave of Five Hundred Eyes. She hasn’t, and neither has Ping-Cho. Apparently it has something to do with (and I paraphrase Marco Polo's description here) two-hundred and fifty murderous potheads painted on the walls. Ping-Cho knows a story about that, but it ‘needs preparation’ before she can tell it.
Meanwhile, the Doctor plans on getting on with the Tardis repairs. When Ian points out that he’s given Marco Polo the key, the Doctor says he made a second one on the night of the oasis, and that Susan knows all about it. Ian calls him a crafty old fox. Indeed he is.
It’s time for Ping-Cho’s presentation, and Babs needs to talk to Ian urgently about Tegana; apparently she ‘caught him off guard’. Ian tells her to tell him later, and tries to get her to sit by him; Babs would rather stand. Presumably because she’s seen Hamlet and knows all about the filthy jokes that go along with sitting next to guys around Ian’s age whilst watching a play.
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| Country matters |
Then there’s Ping-Cho’s presentation, in which some guy in the mountains persuades his followers to ‘seek out my enemies and strike them down but care not for your lives; paradise is eternal’. Well that’s awkward. The Doctor points out that the word ‘Hashashin’ is where we get the word ‘assassin’. So very, very educational.
Eww but also so very, very problematic. According to the OED, the word 'assassin' comes from a derogatory term used to describe the Nizari sect of the Ismaili branch of Islam - a sect apparently renowned for murdering their political/religious adversaries and whose actions were deemed so erratic it was supposedly as though they were all high on hashish. The 'Old Man of the Mountain' folk tale on which Ping-Cho's presentation is based does indeed imply that they were given drugs before going off to kill people so they might have a taster of the joys of paradise. So basically an Islamophobic term used by people like the real-life Marco Polo to dismiss medieval Nizari Ismailis as trained killers and drug addicts. Which makes Marco's talk of 'evil men' and the proliferation of words like 'evil', 'devious', 'foul', 'wicked', 'ruthless', 'reckless', 'cruel', and 'terror' in Ping-Cho's presentation even more WTF.
At this point, Tegana sneaks out of the room and is followed by stealthy, stealthy Barbara. Is this the first ‘intrepid companion wanders off alone without telling anyone and then gets into trouble and has to be rescued’ moment of the show? I think it might be. I mean it sort of happened to Susan and Ping-Cho last week, but a) Susan’s his granddaughter not his companion and b) it’s not quite as gratuitous.
And now Tegana is in the Cave of Five Hundred Eyes and meeting up with some of his pals. It turns out the warlord Tegana serves (Noghai) has formed an army and is marching for Karakorum. Tegana tells his pals about the Tardis; his pals tell him to deliver it to Noghai and kill Polo and Team Tardis. OH NO!
But EVEN MORE ‘OH NO’ than this, one of Tegana’s pals is in a flap because there’s a woman in the outer cave. WATCH OUT, BABS! And, sure enough, as intrepid Barbara sneaks around the caves, she’s grabbed from behind by Tegana and lets out an entirely understandable bloodcurdling scream.
I need to vent about this. I have no problem with the ‘companion ill-advisedly wanders off alone’ trope, but I have enormous problems with the ‘companion ill-advisedly wanders off alone for the sole dramatic purpose of being captured and having to be rescued’ trope. Especially as it almost always happens to the women. Time and time again we’re shown brave, resourceful women who take matters into their own hands being reduced to damsels in distress as a kind of punishment for their daring to act without the permission of the nearest male authority figure (see Ping-Cho and Marco in the previous episode). It’s lazy, sexist, and oh god it’s all over Classic and New Who like a rash. It also perpetuates and fetishizes the idea that violence (of all kinds) towards women is a natural consequence of women’s independence. Having said all that, in this instance there’s an argument to be made for Barbara’s perilous circumstances being entirely the fault of the men who routinely neglect and belittle the things she says, despite the fact that she was the only one who could speak Tardis in the previous serial and saved everyone’s lives accordingly; if Ian had listened to whatever Barbara was trying to tell him about Tegana in the first place, she wouldn’t be in this situation.
Rant over. (For now.)
Later, Tegana is sipping tea calmly, and it’s creepy as fuck. Everyone has noticed that Babs is missing, and Marco is indulging in a spot of victim-blaming: ‘What kind of country do you come from where a woman can wander alone through the streets at night?’ he cries. A fucking Utopia, mate. Would that it were so.
Tegana says they’ll never find her alive; Ian says they won’t find here sitting here, and is about to storm off alone to find Barbara through the Power of Telly, but Marco says he and Tegana will help comb the city for her. The Doctor asks if they need his help, which warms my heart because not so long ago he was willing to let Barbara die alone in the Dalek city rather than look for her. Character development win. Marco tells the Doctor and everyone else to stay there. The Doctor comforts Susan: ‘Don’t worry, child. We’ll find her. Don’t worry.’ SPACE FAMILY FEELINGS.
Meanwhile, in the cave, the Mongols are cackling like panto villains and rolling dice to see who gets to kill Barbara. WHAT THE FUCK. THAT’S MESSED UP. Also her gagging is very literal: she doesn't get another line until her Damsel In Distress status is revoked later next episode.
Later that night, the Doctor is emerging from the Tardis and is met by Susan and Ping-Cho, who can be trusted according to Susan. They think Babs might be in the Cave of Five Hundred Eyes because she’s a big History nerd and Marco doesn’t like women wandering off alone so she went anyway. They don’t know where it is, but Chenchu the SUPER RACIST YELLOWFACE LANDLORD might know. Oh please make it stop.
Then this happens:
Mr. Mustard Messr. Marco and go save Babs with the two girls while the young virile men piss about combing the city.
In the cave, Susan is morbidly fascinated with the creepy eyes. Which is in keeping with the actions of a space child who let’s not forget thinks putting a human skull on a burning stick is entertainment. The Doctor is nerding out about the minerals in the rock carvings and has to be reminded by Susan that they’re supposed to be looking for Barbara. Rather impishly, he suggests that they ‘see if we can find the spirits’ Chenchu was so worried about.
Speaking of Chenchu, he’s in trouble with Tegana for telling the Doctor about the location of the cave. And has a really obvious bald cap.
Back in the cave, the Doctor reckons they’ve all been on ‘a fool’s errand’ and that Babs is ‘probably in bed and asleep by now’, which is where they ought to be if they had any sense. But what’s this? Ping-Cho has found a handkerchief that Susan recognises as Barbara’s! Susan starts yelling Barbara’s name, while Ping-Cho rather more politely hollers for ‘Miss Wright’. They can be heard all the way to the inner chamber where OH CRUMBS ALMIGHTY some miscreant is holding a dagger to the throat of a resigned-looking Babs! Then – SCREAM ALERT! Susan has seen the eyes in the wall move and let out a shriek that would put a mandrake to shame.
ZOUNDS! WILL BARBARA’S THROAT BE CUT BY TEGANA’S DASTARDLY PALS? WILL THE DOCTOR, SUSAN, AND PING-CHO BE BUTCHERED TOO? WILL THE YOUNG WHITE GUYS SWING IN AT THE LAST MOMENT TO SAVE THE WOMEN/CHILDREN/ELDERLY? WILL WE MEET ANY NICE PEOPLE APART FROM PING-CHO WHO AREN’T (SUPPOSED TO BE) WHITE? WILL THE DOCTOR FIX THE TARDIS BEFORE MARCO I’M-THE-BOSS-OF-ALL-OF-YOU-PEASANTS POLO GIFT-WRAPS IT FOR KUBLAI KHAN? WILL WE GET AN EDUCATIONAL ASIDE ABOUT HASHISH ANY TIME SOON BY WAY OF A SIXTIES FORERUNNER OF THE D.A.R.E. PROJECT?
Is a woman 'spared' the ordeal of having to do/witness something unpleasant by a man who makes a decision on her behalf/keeps her deliberately ignorant? No.
Does a man automatically disbelieve or belittle something a woman (companion) says happened to her? Yes,
Does a man talk over a woman or talk about a woman as though she isn't there? Not that I recall.
Does the woman companion have to be calmed/comforted by the Doctor/a man companion/a man? No.
Does the woman companion do something stupid/banal/weird which inspires a man to be a Man with a Plan? Nope.
Is there past/future/alien sexism? Yup. Marco's women walking the streets alone thing.
Does a 'present'-day character call anybody out on past/future/alien sexism? The Doctor indirectly tells Susan and Ping-Cho to fuck the patriarchy when he takes them with him to the cave to try to find Barbara.
Not my favourite episode. Barbara has the measure of Tegana from the moment she realises his story about bandits is utter bull, but nobody takes her very seriously, resulting in her going off on her own to follow Tegana which culminates in her being reduced to an object in need of rescue while men with really nasty laughs play dice to see who wins her as a murder prize. Then Marco puts the blame on her for having the audacity to go somewhere on her own without getting his permission. Susan and Ping-Cho are still gorgeous and I love that they're the ones who figure out where Barbara has gone and for reasons relating to their own experience of Marco being a controlling bellend; the young women and the old man are left behind in the official search for Babs, but it's the young women and the old man who are on the right track. Susan also gets better characterisation with Ping-Cho than she does alone: for instance, in the cave, Susan shows a lot more (slightly morbid) curiosity than the somewhat cautious Ping-Cho, but they're both braver together than they are alone. Ian, bless him, just wants his Bae back, and because he doesn't really have any other outlet than virile action, throws himself into combing the city with Marco without any real clue as to where she might be. As I said last week, please remove the straitjacket of masculinity from Ian Chesterton so that he doesn't end up building his whole identity around being protective of Barbara. There's some nice character development from the Doctor, who really does seem to value Barbara these days, or at least is less willing to leave her to die alone like he was in The Daleks. Baby steps. In other news, the yellowface is a whole lot worse this week, and we desperately need a named person of colour other than Ping-Cho who isn't a dick. Also the word 'assassin' is now ruined forever.
At this point, Tegana sneaks out of the room and is followed by stealthy, stealthy Barbara. Is this the first ‘intrepid companion wanders off alone without telling anyone and then gets into trouble and has to be rescued’ moment of the show? I think it might be. I mean it sort of happened to Susan and Ping-Cho last week, but a) Susan’s his granddaughter not his companion and b) it’s not quite as gratuitous.
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| 'I sure hope this isn't just an excuse for me to need rescuing later on.' |
And now Tegana is in the Cave of Five Hundred Eyes and meeting up with some of his pals. It turns out the warlord Tegana serves (Noghai) has formed an army and is marching for Karakorum. Tegana tells his pals about the Tardis; his pals tell him to deliver it to Noghai and kill Polo and Team Tardis. OH NO!
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| Not pictured: the other 498 eyes. Also I hope this isn't supposed to be a Hashashin. |
But EVEN MORE ‘OH NO’ than this, one of Tegana’s pals is in a flap because there’s a woman in the outer cave. WATCH OUT, BABS! And, sure enough, as intrepid Barbara sneaks around the caves, she’s grabbed from behind by Tegana and lets out an entirely understandable bloodcurdling scream.
I need to vent about this. I have no problem with the ‘companion ill-advisedly wanders off alone’ trope, but I have enormous problems with the ‘companion ill-advisedly wanders off alone for the sole dramatic purpose of being captured and having to be rescued’ trope. Especially as it almost always happens to the women. Time and time again we’re shown brave, resourceful women who take matters into their own hands being reduced to damsels in distress as a kind of punishment for their daring to act without the permission of the nearest male authority figure (see Ping-Cho and Marco in the previous episode). It’s lazy, sexist, and oh god it’s all over Classic and New Who like a rash. It also perpetuates and fetishizes the idea that violence (of all kinds) towards women is a natural consequence of women’s independence. Having said all that, in this instance there’s an argument to be made for Barbara’s perilous circumstances being entirely the fault of the men who routinely neglect and belittle the things she says, despite the fact that she was the only one who could speak Tardis in the previous serial and saved everyone’s lives accordingly; if Ian had listened to whatever Barbara was trying to tell him about Tegana in the first place, she wouldn’t be in this situation.
Rant over. (For now.)
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| And with that, Babs is silenced until her eventual rescue. |
Later, Tegana is sipping tea calmly, and it’s creepy as fuck. Everyone has noticed that Babs is missing, and Marco is indulging in a spot of victim-blaming: ‘What kind of country do you come from where a woman can wander alone through the streets at night?’ he cries. A fucking Utopia, mate. Would that it were so.
Tegana says they’ll never find her alive; Ian says they won’t find here sitting here, and is about to storm off alone to find Barbara through the Power of Telly, but Marco says he and Tegana will help comb the city for her. The Doctor asks if they need his help, which warms my heart because not so long ago he was willing to let Barbara die alone in the Dalek city rather than look for her. Character development win. Marco tells the Doctor and everyone else to stay there. The Doctor comforts Susan: ‘Don’t worry, child. We’ll find her. Don’t worry.’ SPACE FAMILY FEELINGS.
Meanwhile, in the cave, the Mongols are cackling like panto villains and rolling dice to see who gets to kill Barbara. WHAT THE FUCK. THAT’S MESSED UP. Also her gagging is very literal: she doesn't get another line until her Damsel In Distress status is revoked later next episode.
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| Unacceptable. |
Later that night, the Doctor is emerging from the Tardis and is met by Susan and Ping-Cho, who can be trusted according to Susan. They think Babs might be in the Cave of Five Hundred Eyes because she’s a big History nerd and Marco doesn’t like women wandering off alone so she went anyway. They don’t know where it is, but Chenchu the SUPER RACIST YELLOWFACE LANDLORD might know. Oh please make it stop.
Then this happens:
SUSAN: You mustn't go there alone, grandfather. And anyway, we must stay with you.YES DOCTOR! Fuck mean
PING-CHO: Messr Marco will be angry - he told us to stay here.
DOCTOR: Never mind about him.
In the cave, Susan is morbidly fascinated with the creepy eyes. Which is in keeping with the actions of a space child who let’s not forget thinks putting a human skull on a burning stick is entertainment. The Doctor is nerding out about the minerals in the rock carvings and has to be reminded by Susan that they’re supposed to be looking for Barbara. Rather impishly, he suggests that they ‘see if we can find the spirits’ Chenchu was so worried about.
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| You can really...BE in this cave. |
Speaking of Chenchu, he’s in trouble with Tegana for telling the Doctor about the location of the cave. And has a really obvious bald cap.
Back in the cave, the Doctor reckons they’ve all been on ‘a fool’s errand’ and that Babs is ‘probably in bed and asleep by now’, which is where they ought to be if they had any sense. But what’s this? Ping-Cho has found a handkerchief that Susan recognises as Barbara’s! Susan starts yelling Barbara’s name, while Ping-Cho rather more politely hollers for ‘Miss Wright’. They can be heard all the way to the inner chamber where OH CRUMBS ALMIGHTY some miscreant is holding a dagger to the throat of a resigned-looking Babs! Then – SCREAM ALERT! Susan has seen the eyes in the wall move and let out a shriek that would put a mandrake to shame.
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| Man-dressed-as-his-mother-stabbing-you-in-the-shower screamface. |
ZOUNDS! WILL BARBARA’S THROAT BE CUT BY TEGANA’S DASTARDLY PALS? WILL THE DOCTOR, SUSAN, AND PING-CHO BE BUTCHERED TOO? WILL THE YOUNG WHITE GUYS SWING IN AT THE LAST MOMENT TO SAVE THE WOMEN/CHILDREN/ELDERLY? WILL WE MEET ANY NICE PEOPLE APART FROM PING-CHO WHO AREN’T (SUPPOSED TO BE) WHITE? WILL THE DOCTOR FIX THE TARDIS BEFORE MARCO I’M-THE-BOSS-OF-ALL-OF-YOU-PEASANTS POLO GIFT-WRAPS IT FOR KUBLAI KHAN? WILL WE GET AN EDUCATIONAL ASIDE ABOUT HASHISH ANY TIME SOON BY WAY OF A SIXTIES FORERUNNER OF THE D.A.R.E. PROJECT?
Summary (as applicable to this episode)
Does it pass the Bechdel test? Indeed.
Is the gaze problematic? Difficult to tell from the telesnaps, but from the moment Babs is captured she's silenced so we're just treated to visuals of her being manhandled and bound and gagged and sitting there while men laugh about who gets to murder her. It's fucking obscene.
Is/are the woman companion(s) dressed 'for the Dads'? No.
Does a woman fall over/twist her ankle (whilst running from peril)? No.
Does a woman wander off alone for the sole dramatic purpose of getting into trouble so she can be rescued later? YES.
Is/are the woman companion(s) captured? BARBARA.
Does the Doctor/a man companion/any other man have to rescue the woman companion(s) from peril? They will soon!
Is/are the woman companion's/s' first/only reaction(s) to peril gratuitous screaming? Susan's scream when two of the five hundred eyes in the cave of the same name start to move is a little gratuitous, but otherwise no.
Does a woman companion go into hysterics over something reasonably minor? Nope.
Does it pass the Bechdel test? Indeed.
Is the gaze problematic? Difficult to tell from the telesnaps, but from the moment Babs is captured she's silenced so we're just treated to visuals of her being manhandled and bound and gagged and sitting there while men laugh about who gets to murder her. It's fucking obscene.
Is/are the woman companion(s) dressed 'for the Dads'? No.
Does a woman fall over/twist her ankle (whilst running from peril)? No.
Does a woman wander off alone for the sole dramatic purpose of getting into trouble so she can be rescued later? YES.
Is/are the woman companion(s) captured? BARBARA.
Does the Doctor/a man companion/any other man have to rescue the woman companion(s) from peril? They will soon!
Is/are the woman companion's/s' first/only reaction(s) to peril gratuitous screaming? Susan's scream when two of the five hundred eyes in the cave of the same name start to move is a little gratuitous, but otherwise no.
Does a woman companion go into hysterics over something reasonably minor? Nope.
Is a woman 'spared' the ordeal of having to do/witness something unpleasant by a man who makes a decision on her behalf/keeps her deliberately ignorant? No.
Does a man automatically disbelieve or belittle something a woman (companion) says happened to her? Yes,
Does a man talk over a woman or talk about a woman as though she isn't there? Not that I recall.
Does the woman companion have to be calmed/comforted by the Doctor/a man companion/a man? No.
Is a woman the first/only person to be (most gratuitously) menaced by the episode's antagonist(s)? Yup. Barbara.
Is a man shamed into doing/not doing something because the alternative is a woman doing/not doing something? No.
Does the woman companion come up with a plan? No.
Does the woman companion do something stupid/banal/weird which inspires a man to be a Man with a Plan? Nope.
Does a woman come up with a theory and is it ridiculed by the Doctor/a man? Yes. Barbara's suspicions regarding Tegana are not ridiculed but are in no way heeded.
Does a woman call the Doctor out on his bullshit? No.
Does a woman get to be a badass? Barbara goes off on her own to follow Tegana but gets captured doing it.
Is the young, strong, straight, white male lead the person most often in control of the situation? Yes.
Is there past/future/alien sexism? Yup. Marco's women walking the streets alone thing.
Does a 'present'-day character call anybody out on past/future/alien sexism? The Doctor indirectly tells Susan and Ping-Cho to fuck the patriarchy when he takes them with him to the cave to try to find Barbara.
Did a woman write/direct/produce this episode? No/No/Yes.
Verdict
Not my favourite episode. Barbara has the measure of Tegana from the moment she realises his story about bandits is utter bull, but nobody takes her very seriously, resulting in her going off on her own to follow Tegana which culminates in her being reduced to an object in need of rescue while men with really nasty laughs play dice to see who wins her as a murder prize. Then Marco puts the blame on her for having the audacity to go somewhere on her own without getting his permission. Susan and Ping-Cho are still gorgeous and I love that they're the ones who figure out where Barbara has gone and for reasons relating to their own experience of Marco being a controlling bellend; the young women and the old man are left behind in the official search for Babs, but it's the young women and the old man who are on the right track. Susan also gets better characterisation with Ping-Cho than she does alone: for instance, in the cave, Susan shows a lot more (slightly morbid) curiosity than the somewhat cautious Ping-Cho, but they're both braver together than they are alone. Ian, bless him, just wants his Bae back, and because he doesn't really have any other outlet than virile action, throws himself into combing the city with Marco without any real clue as to where she might be. As I said last week, please remove the straitjacket of masculinity from Ian Chesterton so that he doesn't end up building his whole identity around being protective of Barbara. There's some nice character development from the Doctor, who really does seem to value Barbara these days, or at least is less willing to leave her to die alone like he was in The Daleks. Baby steps. In other news, the yellowface is a whole lot worse this week, and we desperately need a named person of colour other than Ping-Cho who isn't a dick. Also the word 'assassin' is now ruined forever.
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