Series 1 Episode 18: Rider from Shang-Tu

Serial: Marco Polo
Episode: 5 (Rider from Shang-Tu)
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companions: Barbara, Ian, and Susan

Writer: John Lucarotti
Director: Waris Hussein
Producer: Verity Lambert
Original Air Date: 21/03/1964

BEAUTIFUL CINNAMON GOLDFISH TOO GOOD FOR THIS WORLD, TOO PURE (and other stories)

In which the Doctor gets his sass on, the men fight some bandits, Ping-Cho and Susan are my new (Br)OTP, and Tegana continues to prolong the serial by forever putting spanners in the works.

In the bamboo forest, Tegana’s pals are watching and waiting for his signal to attack (a burning torch). Meanwhile, Ian has rushed back into the tent aghast:

DOCTOR: What's the matter? Did you kill him?
IAN: No, of course not. He was dead.

I love how the Doctor automatically assumes Ian has murdered someone. Babs suspects bandits; Ian reckons they must be just on the point of attacking them. Susan asks the Doctor what to do; the Doctor tells her they should stick to the plan, by which he means get the keys and scarper. Susan spots Tegana outside and Ian says they’re too late and the only thing he can do now is warn Marco. Or maybe let Tegana’s pals kill him and loot the Tardis keys from his still-warm corpse? No? Just a suggestion, Ian. Bae tells him to be careful, because of course.

Doing the noble and serial-prolonging thing.

Ian sneaks into Marco’s tent to wake him and the two hurry to join Tegana, who Marco still seems to trust. Ian gathers the rest of Team Tardis, and Marco tells the women to go into the tent and stay there. Ugh. Susan, but of course, asks about Ping-Cho; Marco tells her she’s sleeping but to make sure she stays in the tent if she wakes up.

Ian gets given a sword because he’s a man, despite the fact that by his own admission he doesn’t know how to use one. His can-do attitude is rather endearing, though: ‘No, [I can’t use one of these], but given half a chance, I’ll learn’. The Doctor also gets a sword and a healthy dose of snark from Marco: ‘If you're half as aggressive with this as you are with your tongue Doctor, we can't lose.’

'This is a good sword, Haleth, son of Hama.'

The Doctor, however, is more than a match for Marco’s sass. He thinks they look fucking ridiculous and suggests they all use the Tardis to get the hell out of dodge. Tegana tries to convince Marco that Team Tardis killed the guard; Ian gets shirty with him, telling him ‘not everyone lives by your standards, Tegana’. Ouch. And of course because Tegana’s the one giving the signal, the bandits haven’t attacked yet, giving credence to his ‘lol bandits what bandits’ attitude. Then this happens:

POLO: You deceived me before, Doctor. No, we will not use your caravan. If there are bandits, we shall fight.
DOCTOR: (Waving the sword.) Well, we're not going to get very far with this overgrown bread knife! We shall have to use more enterprise than this.
IAN: The Doctor's right, Marco. We need more than these swords.

Overgrown. Breadknife. Doctor, you kill me.

Anyway, Ian comes up with a Science Plan: bamboo when thrown on the fire will expand and blow up and make ‘a terrifying noise’. I wonder…I’m guessing this might be more than just a Science Plan. Let’s assume Ian is the same age as William Russell, who was…wow, he was 39 when this serial was broadcast, which is at good few years older than my guesstimate. Looking good, Russ. So he would definitely have done National Service, and may well have been stationed somewhere bamboo-friendly if Wikipedia tells me true. But I digress. Let’s hope he succeeds in bamboo-zling Tegana’s pals. See what I did there…?

Anyway, Tegana’s pals are getting antsy, and anyway Tegana’s well old and boring so if he hasn’t given the signal by the time the moon is up they’re going to attack anyway and sod the stealthy part.

Bad guys always bite their swords.

Meanwhile, Ian and Marco have collected a large pile of bamboo. Marco wonders ‘does the lamb conceal the wolf, or the wolf the lamb’? Nobody cares, Marco. Marco asks Ian whether he was trying to escape and what he planned to do to him; Ian tells him the truth, and says he wishes he could explain ‘how important the Tardis is to us’. Marco tries to bullshit Ian about how important the Tardis is to him. Sorry, Marco, but I stopped caring about how homesick you are round about the time you started being a dick to Susan, Ping-Cho, and Barbara.

Marco plans his next move on Ian.

The Doctor has fallen asleep next to the fire, probably because he’s as bored of Marco’s manpain as I am. Ian continues to be tantalisingly knowledgeable about bamboo. Just as Tegana exclaims that there are no bandits and that it’s all a ruse, who should appear but his impatient chums? Marco wishes Ian good luck with the fighting and all that. Ian wakes the Doctor.

The Doctor is bored of your shit, Marco.

The bandits attack! Back in the tent, Barbara is cuddling the girls Battle of Helms Deep style. It’s gorgeous and I’m sad she’s not also singing about her favourite things. Which would probably be mostly hairspray and wine.

Spot the difference.

Tegana is fighting Acomat and stabs him. Then OH NO one of the warriors has broken into the tent and is menacing Barbara and the girls!

TA-DAAAAAAAAAAAH!

But OH THANK GOODNESS the bamboo has started to explode! Tegana’s ex-chums run away from the explosions in confusion. Ian starts yelling ‘WE WON!’ like a delighted schoolboy. Then this happens:

SUSAN: What was the explosion?
POLO: Bamboo... the bandits thought there were devils in the fire, and fled.
DOCTOR: No, it wasn't the devils in the fire. Their leader was killed. That's why they broke up and ran.
TEGANA: Well, in battle all men face death.
DOCTOR: And few expect to meet it. Hmmm!

Doctor, you get bonus sass points for essentially telling Marco Polo to quit talking racist bollocks.

The next day, everyone is on the road again. Barbara has clearly got her mojo back because she’s slamming her fist on the table and yelling about how much of an ungrateful prick Marco Polo is. The Doctor concurs: ‘If that fool had any decency at all, he’d let us go.’ Ian doubts very much that Marco will do anything of the sort. The Doctor says they’ll just have to try escaping again.

Bang on cue, Marco comes in, and asks them if they’ll promise, on their honour, not to escape again.

Polo tells them quietly, ‘so be it’; the Doctor reminds him they sacrificed their freedom to save him; Marco tells them that as a reward for good behaviour he’s revoking the seizure of their caravan by official decree:

DOCTOR: (Sarcastically.) Huh! Very noble of you, I'm sure!
IAN: What you're really saying, Marco, is that we're no longer Kublai Khan's prisoners - only yours, eh?
POLO: That's right.
DOCTOR: Thanks for nothing.

Ye GODS but I love the Doctor this week. Also, I enjoy how Ian is also calling Marco out on his pseudo-benevolent bullshit. Marco tells them they’ll enjoy all the freedoms they had before and that Susan and Ping-Cho can see each other again, but that he will hang on to the Tardis keys. Thanks for nothing indeed. Nob.

Fierce disapproval is fierce.

Anyway, once alone, Team Tardis starts speculating about how Tegana knows they’re onto him. Ian reckons Tegana was in on the attack, and sure enough Barbara remembers where she’s seen the bandit they buried that morning before – in the Cave of Five Hundred Eyes. If I were Barbara, I would have added at this point ‘where he was playing dice for the chance to murder me’, but Babs is apparently not one to dwell on such matters. The Doctor reckons Tegana had to kill him or risk exposure, and that he must be after the Tardis, too. Ian isn’t sure, but whatever he’s after, they’re in the way of it; Barbara, in a surprising display of magnanimity, wonders whether Marco might also be in danger and whether they ought to warn him. The Doctor tells her not to be hasty, Master Meriadoc.

Enter Susan and Ping-Cho with the titular Rider from Shang-Tu, whose name is Ling-Tau. Ping-Cho goes to tell Marco, who’s hiding the Tardis keys in the journal. He makes Ping-Cho promise not to tell anyone where the keys are and she agrees. DOESN’T MEAN SHE DIDN’T PROMISE TO STEAL THEM, MARCO. Which I hope is what happens.

There’s some educational stuff about how Ling-Tau rides 300 miles in one day which I can’t be bothered to write about but anyway they all have to hurry the fuck up with their journey because the Khan wants to see Marco asap; their belongings will have to follow on at a slower rate.

Everyone arrives at ANOTHER service station. This one is called Cheng-Ting, and it features another station manager in yellowface doing an accent that sounds more like the Scottish hotel owner from Little Britain than anything else.

What Fresh Hell...?

His name is Wang-Lo and everyone finds him terribly funny. He’s put the Tardis in the stables, which the Doctor isn’t terribly happy about and mimics Wang-Lo when he’s gone: ‘I could hardly have placed it in the hanging garden could I…what does he think it is, a potting shed or something?’ Fortunately, his mimicry extends only to Wang-Lo’s supercilious tone.

HOLY RAVIOLI IS BARBARA ACTUALLY SMILING?

Meanwhile, Susan and Ping-Cho are being adorable by the fish pond:

SUSAN: Look at that one there. He's just like Wang-Lo, all fat, smooth and silky. And look at this one here - he's very solemn. He's just like Marco Polo. And look at this one dashing around all over the place. He's got Ian's energy. Ah, look, that one's all by itself. It's independent, like Barbara.
PING-CHO: There's you Susan, hmmm? A wicked goldfish.
SUSAN: (laughs) Now, where are you Ping-Cho? Oh, look there - that little pretty one down there, with the wedding veil.

OH MY GOD COULD YOU BE ANY CUTER?

Susan lets her Wicked Goldfish show.

Also I love this little insight into how Susan sees people (though interestingly there is no Doctor!fish). It’s particularly lovely that she sees a goldfish all on its own and instead of projecting her own loneliness onto it, she thinks of Barbara and independence. Also we need to see more of Susan’s wicked goldfish side (the side that enjoys flaming skulls and creepy cave paintings), as clearly it’s something Ping-Cho sees in her, and indeed brings out of her. Susan’s rather put her foot in her mouth mentioning Ping-Cho’s wedding, though, as it just makes Ping-Cho homesick:

PING-CHO: How I miss my home in Samarkand. And your home Susan? You've never told me about that. Is it so very far away?
SUSAN: (Sadly.) Yes, it is. It's as far away as a night star.
PING-CHO: But you can reach it from Venice, can't you?
SUSAN: No, Ping-Cho, no, I can't.
PING-CHO: And if Messr Marco does give your caravan to Kublai Khan, you will never see your home again?
SUSAN: That's right.
PING-CHO: I gave him my word Susan. I promised not to tell anyone where he put the key.
SUSAN: And I promise you that no-one will ask you.

But seriously Ping-Cho is a beautiful cinnamon goldfish too good for this world, too pure. Also Susan’s promise that she won’t ask where the key is shows just how important their friendship is to her – she’d rather never see her home again than ask Ping-Cho to break her word. Love is real.

Meanwhile I SHIT YOU NOT THE EYEPATCH MONKEY GUY FROM RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK HAS TURNED UP IN CHENG-TING.

SEPARATED AT BIRTH

His name is Kuiju and he’s being hired by Tegana to have the Tardis stolen. Arrangements are arranged.

Eyepatch monkey guy returns to his mirror dimension in 1930s Cairo

Meanwhile, Marco is still writing sad poems in his journal or something. Enter Ping-Cho, telling him dinner’s ready; when Marco goes off to wash the ink off his hands, PING-CHO STEALS ONE OF THE TARDIS KEYS FROM THE JOURNAL! Oh my brave goldfish!

Later, Ping-Cho meets up with Susan in the courtyard and gives her the Tardis key. When Susan tells Ping-Cho that Marco will be angry, Ping-Cho responds by telling her ‘one of us will be on their way home’. Of all the homesick people in this story, Ping-Cho is the one who truly understands that the one thing you can’t do to try to get home is to deny someone else that same chance.

Stealing is FUN

But then OH FUCKSAKE TEGANA. Does this man do nothing but lurk in corners being there at the precise time anyone from Team Tardis gets any closer to escaping? Anyway, Susan and Ping-Cho don’t think he noticed the key. Then this happens:

PING-CHO: You will say good-bye, won't you?
SUSAN: Of course I will! (Beginning to cry.) Ping-Cho... what can I say?

 No YOU'VE got something in your eye.

ME TOO, SUSAN. ME TOO.

Later that night, the Von Trapp Family Singers are sneaking out of the driveway on their way out of Austria I mean Team Tardis is sneaking into the courtyard. There’s a guard, and the Doctor asks Ian if he has any ideas, which is nice.

Are Father and Uncle Max going to push the car all the way to Switzerland?

Ian does have an idea, and the idea is WINE. He staggers up to the guard, pretending to be drunk, then knocks him out. Well hurry up and find this episode already because I would pay good money to see that. It is at this point that Susan decides she needs to go and say goodbye to Ping-Cho, which is lovely but WHY DIDN’T YOU DO THIS EARLIER.

And OH THE COMFORTING HUM OF THE CONSOLE ROOM! They’ve just closed the doors when Ian notices Susan isn’t with them. Barbara realises she must’ve gone to say goodbye to Ping-Cho; the Doctor is so frustrated he actually yells ‘GREAT OLYMPUS’, which is wonderful. Ian tells everyone not to panic and to give her a second; after all, the guard is now unconscious.

!@*#!!!*#@****!!!!!!

But OH FOR THE LOVE OF ZEUS effing Tegana has snuck up on Susan and caught her before she can get to the Tardis. GRANDFATHER!!! Is what Susan screams.

Seriously though Tegana get a fucking hobby.

GREAT OLYMPUS! SO CLOSE AND YET SO FAR! AND THERE ARE STILL ANOTHER TWO EPISODES TO GO! SERIOUSLY, WHAT DO THESE GUYS HAVE TO DO TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE? WHY IS TEGANA SO IRRITATINGLY EFFICIENT AT FOILING THEIR ESCAPE PLANS? WILL PING-CHO BE OK OR WILL MARCO LOCK HER IN A TOWER OR SOME OTHER SUCH NONSENSE? WHY *IS* MONKEY GUY FROM INDIANA JONES WORKING FOR TEGANA?

Summary (as applicable to this episode)

Does it pass the Bechdel test? And how.

Is the gaze problematic? Not as far as I can tell.

Is/are the woman companion(s) dressed 'for the Dads'? No.

Does a woman fall over/twist her ankle (whilst running from peril)? No.

Does a woman wander off alone for the sole dramatic purpose of getting into trouble so she can be rescued later? No.

Is/are the woman companion(s) captured? Everyone's captured. Again.

Does the Doctor/a man companion/any other man have to rescue the woman companion(s) from peril? The men have to defend the women from bandits, so...?

Is/are the woman companion's/s' first/only reaction(s) to peril gratuitous screaming? Susan does scream for her Grandfather when Tegana grabs her but that's reasonable I think.

Does a woman companion go into hysterics over something reasonably minor? Nope.

Is a woman 'spared' the ordeal of having to do/witness something unpleasant by a man who makes a decision on her behalf/keeps her deliberately ignorant? No.

Does a man automatically disbelieve or belittle something a woman (companion) says happened to her? Not directly but Marco continues to disbelieve any evidence presented to him against Tegana from last week.

Does a man talk over a woman or talk about a woman as though she isn't there? Probably some talking-over from Marco.

Does the woman companion have to be calmed/comforted by the Doctor/a man companion/a man? No.

Is a woman the first/only person to be (most gratuitously) menaced by the episode's antagonist(s)? Susan and Tegana.

Is a man shamed into doing/not doing something because the alternative is a woman doing/not doing something? No.

Does the woman companion come up with a plan? Ian comes up with the wine-related plan, but it's Ping-Cho who comes up with and executes Operation Tardis Key.

Does the woman companion do something stupid/banal/weird which inspires a man to be a Man with a Plan? Nope.

Does a woman come up with a theory and is it ridiculed by the Doctor/a man? Just a hangover from last week.

Does a woman call the Doctor out on his bullshit? No. The Doctor is at his sassy best this week.

Does a woman get to be a badass? Ping-Cho is a Quiet Badass. Like a Quiet Bat Person but better.

Is the young, strong, straight, white male lead the person most often in control of the situation? Yes.

Is there past/future/alien sexism? Marco.

Does a 'present'-day character call anybody out on past/future/alien sexism? Ish.

Did a woman write/direct/produce this episode? No/No/Yes.

Verdict

This episode is all about my new (Br)OTP and I'm so glad. Their friendship is beautiful and Ping-Cho is my favourite serial-specific character to date. She's probably the bravest person in this whole serial, if only for the reason that, unlike Team Tardis, she can't just fly away from the consequences of her actions here. She could get into real trouble for stealing the Tardis key for Susan, and she knows that in giving Team Tardis a way of getting home she's denying herself something beautiful, but she still does it. And she calls Susan a wicked goldfish, which is my new favourite thing. Moreover, as I've said, she's a stark contrast to Marco, who allows his desire to return home to justify the fact that he is denying Team Tardis the chance to return to their homes. He can't see the irony of what he's doing. The Doctor gets to be so very, very sassy this episode and I appreciate it mightily. It's also something of a comeuppance for him, as now he gets to feel what it's like to be essentially kidnapped. He should thank his lucky stars Babs and Ian aren't planning to hold him hostage until they get home. Speaking of the two humans, it's more of an Ian-heavy episode what with his exploding bamboo antics and general action stuff. Barbara doesn't get to do much except notice how attached Susan is to Ping-Cho, slag Marco off behind his back, and oh yeah attempt to use her body as a human shield during the bandit attack. Which is commendable, I must say. Next episode it looks like we're going to meet Kublai Khan at last! Though how they're going to spin out Team Tardis's predicament for another two whole episodes is anyone's guess.